Sooner Be Blue

 

"Israel has recalled its ambassador to El Salvador after the ambassador was found drunk and naked in the yard of his residence. And today, Israel announced he is their new ambassador to Ireland." --Conan O'Brien

 

"Former Speaker of the House Newt Gingrich has admitted that he was having an extramarital affair back in 1998, at the same time he was the leading critic of Bill Clinton's affair with Monica Lewinsky. But Newt says you can't compare the two affairs because his woman was really hot." --Jay Leno

 

"Rudy Giuliani has defended Newt Gingrich, saying it's okay Newt had an affair and that no one is perfect. That's when you know the Republicans are in trouble -- when a guy with three marriages and an affair is defending the guy with three marriages and two affairs, so they can team up and beat a Clinton." --Jay Leno

 

"You see all those people protesting while President Bush was in South America? Bush hasn't heard that many people shouting 'Gringo go home' since his last trip to L.A." --Jay Leno

 

"Thirty towns in Vermont have voted to impeach President Bush, but Bush says he doesn't care what a bunch of Canadians think." --Jay Leno

 

"Nebraska Senator Chuck Hagel -- he's a Republican -- called a press conference to announce he'll be making a decision about running for president sometime later in the year. So, he called a press conference to say maybe later in the year he's going to say something important. This is the kind of bold, decisive leadership this country needs." --Jay Leno

 

"People are saying Scooter Libby is taking the fall for Cheney. Personally, I think Libby got off easy -- usually when you take one for Cheney, it's a shot in the face" --Jay Leno

 

"President Bush visited a Mayan temple this weekend in Guatemala, and afterwards ... Mayan leaders performed a cleansing ceremony to clear Bush's bad energy. ... When he heard this, Bush got upset and said, 'Oh yeah? He who smelt it, dealt it.'" --Conan O'Brien

 

"After visiting Guatemala, Bush flew to Mexico. There was an awkward moment when Bush greeted the Mexicans by saying, 'Hello future Californians.'" --Conan O'Brien

 

"Apparently, while Newt [Gingrich] was leading the Clinton impeachment over the Monica Lewinsky affair, he himself was having an extramarital affair. ... Now there's a huge cry from the left about Newt's so-called hypocrisy, but the former Speaker explains how that is actually a positive [on screen: Gingrich saying, 'I drew the line in my mind that said even though I run the risk of being deeply embarrassed, I have no choice but to move forward']. You see, it's very easy to condemn another man's dalliances when you're faithful to your own wife. But to be a hypocrite and still do it, that takes courage. ... So Newt, if you are running for president, you have my blessing ... because I still won't vote for a Mormon, and you're the best adulterer we've got." --Stephen Colbert

 

"In Guatemala, Mayan priests are set to perform an ancient cleansing ritual to rid the air of whatever Bush left behind. Mayan priests -- the ones who in the old days used to kill and eat the virgin's heart. So let's recap what the Mayan priest basically is saying: Dressing up like a condor and using a sharpened stone to remove a living man's heart? Si. Protective corn tariffs? Unclean." --Jon Stewart

 

"There's big news involving Vice President Dick Cheney's former company Halliburton -- the one that issued him a $34 million severance package. They're taking their over $10 billion in ... contracts and moving their headquarters from Houston to Dubai -- a Middle Eastern city that's home to the world's largest shopping mall, the world's tallest hotel, an indoor ski resort with real snow, and an artificial archipelago where you can live on a man-made island in the shape of continents. And the guest workers there are civil rights free. How do they do it all while still being a plotting ground for the 9/11 hijackers? Well, let's just say that's what happens when Las Vegas and Saudi Arabia have a baby." --Jon Stewart

 

"Scooter Libby was found guilt of perjury, obstruction, and making false statements -- or, as the White House calls it, a press conference." --Bill Maher

 

"The Republican base is furious. They are saying it is wrong to convict someone of perjury and obstruction of justice unless there is proof of an underlying blow job." --Bill Maher

 

"All the Republican papers are saying Bush must pardon Scooter Libby right way. .. I say that if Bush doesn't pardon him, at least he should give him a new nickname, because if you have 'Scooter' on the back of your prison jumpsuit, you are just asking for it." --Bill Maher

 

"The president is ... on a five-nation tour of Latin America. A lot of people are saying while he's below the border, what a great time to build that wall." --Bill Maher

 

"To give you an idea of how popular he is not ... in South America, after he visits the sacred Mayan ruins, the Mayan priests are going to perform a purification ceremony ... to get rid of the bad spirits. ... And if it works there, they're going to try it in Iraq, New Orleans, Guantanamo Bay, Ground Zero and the atmosphere of the planet Earth." --Bill Maher

 

"While he was there, Bush did an interview with the Brazilian press and he said the most difficult decision a president could ever make is sending troops into harm's way. But enough about Walter Reed." --Bill Maher

 

"The Boston Globe is saying that Barack Obama owes $375 in parking tickets from when he was a student in the '80s at Harvard. And because he's running for president, he's going to pay them. All right, is he black enough for ya now?" --Bill Maher

 

"Yesterday, I. Lewis Libby, a.k.a. 'The Scooter', the vice president's chief of staff found guilty on four of five counts ranging from obstruction of justice to lying to a grand jury. Yes, we got the guy -- the one-man cancer on this White House has been removed." --Jon Stewart

 

"The man who lied to the FBI about whether the president secretly declassified files so the vice president could pass the identity of an undercover CIA agent to reporters so as to discredit the woman's husband, who had presented evidence undermining the president's case for war, has been ... what are we talking about again?" --Jon Stewart

 

"Obviously, this has come at a bad time for the White House. Usually, you want the conviction of a high-ranking official and the veterans-sleeping-in-moldy-rat-holes stories on different days." --Jon Stewart

 

"This whole scandal came to light when Robert Novak became the first person to publish details outing the CIA operative. And it really would be a shame if amidst all the legal wrangling and the heated words about this case we lost sight of the one essential truth that I think all parties can agree on: Bob Novak is a HUGE douche bag." --Jon Stewart

 

"An aide to the prime minister of Canada called President Bush a moron. Well that's not fair. Here's a guy who never worked a day in his life, got rich off his Dad's money, lost the popular vote and ended up president. That's not a moron, that's genius!" --Jay Leno

 

"President Bush made a speech about Homeland Security in front of Mt. Rushmore. There was an awkward moment when Bush looked up at the monument and said 'Which one is President Rushmore?'" --Conan O'Brien

 

"Scooter Libby, who got indicted, has set up a legal defense fund to help pay his legal bills. It's pretty good, for a $1,000 donation you get a hand-written thank you note and the name of a CIA agent." --Jay Leno

 

"Libby was indicted on two counts of obstruction of justice, three counts of perjury, and one count of not being as smart as Karl Rove." --Jon Stewart