Late-night jokes 3/20
"President Bush is safely back from his tour of Latin America. He said it really opened up his eyes. He said, 'We thought we had a lot of illegal immigrants here, they're all over the place down there.'" --Jay Leno
"The White House keeps changing its story about who fired these U.S. attorneys. First it was the Justice Department, then it was Harriet Miers ... and the new e-mails released yesterday suggest it's Karl Rove's idea. ... Of course the problem with e-mails is you think you've erased them and then they're still there. Which is why President Bush writes all his memos on an Etch-E-Sketch." --Bill Maher
"Donald Rumsfeld, former Secretary of Defense, was admitted to a Washington hospital yesterday for a heart procedure. They said this is the first time in medical history that the patient had more blood on his hands than the surgeon." --Bill Maher
"General Peter Pace, who is the chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff running our war in Iraq, was speaking out about gays in the military. He says he doesn't want any gays in the military. He thinks that homosexuality is immoral. You know what, general? You can say what you want about gays, but at least they know when it's time to pull out of a s**thole." --Bill Maher
"At the White House, President Bush celebrated St. Patrick's Day by saluting prominent Irish Americans. President Bush saluted Sandra Day O'Connor, Tip O'Neill and Barack Obama." --Conan O'Brien
"We've had unseasonably warm weather here in Los Angeles. I was sweating like Newt Gingrich watching 'Cheaters.'" --Jay Leno
"You know what's interesting about this election? Several of the candidates are men who have been divorced more than once. See, we have to expect this from politicians now. It's not like the old days ... when a politician would stay married to the same woman his entire life, you know, like Bill and Hillary. " --Jay Leno
"The big rumor is that Newt Gingrich may run for president. Newt Gingrich has the best reason to stay out of the Mid East -- he knows they stone adulterers." --Jay Leno
"According to a transcript of a U.S. military tribunal released Wednesday, Khalid Shaikh Mohammed admitted to planning the 9/11 attack, saying, 'I was responsible for the 9/11 operation from A to Z.' He then politely asked the interviewer to kindly remove the curling iron from his butt." --Seth Meyers
"Military contractor Halliburton announced this week that it is moving its corporate headquarters from Houston, Texas, to Dubai. A Halliburton spokesman said Dubai was chosen because of its convenient location just outside the long arm of the law." --Amy Poehler
"Alberto Gonzales has gotten into trouble for firing eight U.S. attorneys for what appears to be political reasons. President Bush said today he still has confidence in Gonzales -- the same confidence he had in Rumsfeld, Scooter Libby, and Michael Brown of FEMA." --Jay Leno
"Al Qaeda's number three man mastermind Khalid Shaikh Mohammed has confessed to being the mastermind behind September 11th and said he planned 29 other attacks, including plotting to kill Bill Clinton. To which Hillary Clinton said, 'You too?'" --Jay Leno
"In a speech in Iowa, Barack Obama described John Edwards as cute and good looking. How does this make Hillary feel? ... Apparently, Edwards spends more time on his hair." --Jay Leno
"The California legislature announced that they have moved their state's presidential primary from June to February. When asked why, a California lawmaker said, 'Because it's really fun to hear Governor Schwarzenegger try to say 'February.'" --Conan O'Brien
"People are really angry about ... a web site that encourages people to vote for the worst singer. I mean, this is not a joke. We're voting for the next 'American Idol' here. This is not some kind of game. ... I know it was funny when we reelected President Bush, but this is serious." --Jimmy Kimmel
"This week President Bush concluded his eight-day tour of South and Central America, and he was greeted by throngs of rabid admirers. The guy ignites more passion down there than the Virgin Mary on a piece of toast." --Stephen Colbert
"Good news for the Bush administration. Just one week after the outrageous Walter Reed medical scandal, that story is gone ... because there's a new kid in town. His name is 'Outrageous Fired Federal Prosecutors Attorney General Scandal'. Yes, in one week, it's been revealed the administration screwed over wounded vets -- the most revered people in America -- and lawyers -- the most reviled people in America -- proving they've got range." --Jon Stewart
"Mr. President, we all take pleasure in different things. I have my guilty pleasures, you have yours. Yours is apparently incompetent subordinates bungling our domestic and foreign affairs. Mine is 'Super Nanny.' --Jon Stewart
"The administration is still taking a lot of heat for firing eight U.S. attorneys. That shows you how unpopular this administration is -- when the people are siding with the lawyers." --Jay Leno
"People in Washington are now calling for Attorney General Alberto Gonzales to resign. To give you an idea of how much trouble he is in, the White House is now thinking of replacing him with Scooter Libby." --Jay Leno
"The chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff, General Peter Pace, told the Chicago Tribune he considers homosexual acts to be immoral. In fact, he feels so strongly about this issue that he won't shake hands with the Navy's Rear Admiral." --Jay Leno
An elite military unit made up of American Indians is now being used to track down terrorists in the Middle East, including Osama bin Laden. They're over in Afghanistan right now. They haven't found bin Laden yet, but they did open 13 casinos." --Jay Leno
"Hillary Clinton announced that the vast right-wing conspiracy is back. You know what that means? Bill must be dating again." --Jay Leno
"Everybody is caught up in St. Patrick's Day. Here's exactly what I'm talking about: Earlier today, down in Washington, DC, Vice President Dick Cheney shot a leprechaun in the face. ... Scooter Libby, by the way, is already wearing a button that reads 'Pardon me, I'm Irish.'" --David Letterman
"The chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff recently upset gay activists because he said, 'a homosexual act between two individuals is immoral.' Then the chairman added, 'Unless it's two chicks.'" --Conan O'Brien
"Halliburton is moving its headquarters to Dubai to avoid paying taxes in the United States. Isn't that crazy -- when did Halliburton start paying taxes?" --Jay Leno
"Do you know why they're moving? Because some members of Congress have started investigating Halliburton for over-billing and for taking too much of American taxpayers' money for doing too little work. Or, as Congress calls it, 'competition.'" --Jay Leno
"This just in: Alberto Gonzales has announced he's going to move the Justice Department to Dubai." --Jay Leno
"Attorney General Alberto Gonzales is coming under scrutiny for firing eight U.S. attorneys, apparently for political reasons at the request of the White House. Things are looking so bad for Gonzales that he might have to shave his head and enter rehab." --Jay Leno
"If you want to get rid of an attorney, you don't use Gonzales, you bring in Dick Cheney." --Jay Leno
"Huge controversy at the Pentagon. General Peter Pace, Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff, has publicly stated that homosexual acts are immoral, and so is adultery. Homosexual acts and whoring around are immoral? He just offended every member of Congress right there." --Jay Leno
"While in Latin America, President Bush visited the ancient Mayan ruins. He then invited their officials to come visit our ruins -- the Walter Reed Medical Center." --Jay Leno
"For many years, the Democratic Party seemed a bit disorganized... unable, one might say, to locate their asses, even when presented with two hands and a special ass map." --Jon Stewart
"While in Mexico, President Bush visited the ruins of an ancient Mayan city. There was an awkward moment when Bush said, 'We will get the evil-doers who did this.'" --Conan O'Brien
"Outrage from many Americans, especially the gay ones, over comments made by General Peter Pace, the Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff. He said he believes homosexuality is immoral. The general went on to say that allowing immorality in the armed forces could distract our troops from killing." --Jimmy Kimmel
"Over the weekend, Osama bin Laden had a birthday. ... The guy's still out running around and having birthday parties. It was a big weekend. They went to the Tora Bora Hooters. ... In addition to his birthday, he had to turn his clocks forward to the 2nd century." --David Letterman
"President Bush went in Mexico. It's nice that we still have a president who goes on Spring Break. ... It's all part of his program 'No Margarita Left Behind'" --David Letterman
