Late-night jokes 3/23
"After Congress subpoenaed presidential adviser Karl Rove, President Bush said he will allow Rove to answer questions, but not under oath. The president said, 'I'm all for him talking as long as he doesn't have to tell the truth.'" --Conan O'Brien
"With the fired lawyers controversy here in the United States showing no signs of abating, President Bush gave an impromptu press conference in the White House's Diplomatic Reception Room. Presumably because the Petulant Tantrum Room was booked." --Jon Stewart
"So would the president put forth a proposal to break this legal stand-off? [on screen: Bush saying, 'I put forth what I thought was a rational proposal. And the proposal I put forward is the proposal.'] He makes a strong case. His proposal is, in fact, his proposal" --Jon Stewart
"It's a major concession from the president's initial offer to Congress, which was that they go f**k themselves." --Daily Show correspondent John Oliver, on Bush offering Congress private interviews with White House aides
"The White House is adamant that its advisers retain the right, if they so choose, to lie ... without consequence. It's executive privilege. ... If Karl Rove knew he'd one day be forced to testify under oath about the advice he gave the president, he'd have to limit that advice to things that weren't shameful, illegal, or spectacularly bone-headed" --John Oliver
"The Democrats are trying to turn these firings of U.S. attorneys into a partisan issue, but the president is above bickering. In fact, he made a generous peace offering. Karl Rove and Harriet Miers would submit to private interviews, but 'they would not take oaths nor would a transcript be made available.' See, the president is just trying to save this country from another painful perjury trial." --Stephen Colbert
"While on Capitol Hill today, Al Gore testified that if we act now, we can still save the planet. Well, not the whole planet. Except Florida. He said screw them." --Jay Leno
"The Ringling Brothers Circus arrived in Washington, DC, this week. That shows you the differences between the administrations. President Bush is very excited to see the circus animals. And, of course, Clinton was all excited to see the fat lady." --Jay Leno
"Vice President Dick Cheney went to the hospital because of discomfort in one of his legs. Apparently, he hurt it while jumping for joy when he saw how high gas prices were." --Jay Leno
"Yesterday on the 'Today' show, Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger said he doesn't care what Rush Limbaugh says because Rush Limbaugh is irrelevant. Arnold started pronouncing 'irrelevant' during the 'Today' show, and finished pronouncing it during the 'Nightly News.'" --Conan O'Brien
"According to a new study, one-third of Washington, DC, is illiterate. To give you an idea of how bad it is, Alberto Gonzales can't even read the writing on the wall." --Jay Leno
"President Bush held a news conference where he accused the Democrats of playing politics with the firing of U.S. attorneys. You know, the attorneys he fired for not playing politics." --Jay Leno
"President Bush even called Alberto Gonzales to offer his support. Given how popular the president is, Gonzales said, 'Uh, no thanks.'" --Jay Leno
"Dick Cheney was rushed to the hospital today. Apparently, Cheney was having pains in his leg. On the way to the hospital, he had tightness in his chest, shortness of breath and profuse sweating. But when they told him he wasn't going to Walter Reed, it all went away." --Jay Leno
"Yesterday the Supreme Court debated a case in which a high school student in Alaska was suspended for bringing the banner that said 'Bong Hits for Jesus' to school. The school got mad and the argument is about whether or not the student's right to free speech was violated. The case is Roe v. Weed" --Jimmy Kimmel
"Some Republicans in Washington are looking for a replacement for Attorney General Alberto Gonzales, but apparently, they need to find an experienced legal mind that President Bush is comfortable with. As a result, the number one candidate is Judge Judy." --Stephen Colbert
"This weekend was the fourth anniversary of the beginning of the Iraqi war. ... A lot of anti-war protests and the Bush administration said they were surprised by the number of protests. And I was thinking, 'You know what? I'm not surprised they were surprised'" --David Letterman
"Today is the fourth anniversary of the war in Iraq. When asked about it, President Bush said, 'See, and people said it would never last.'" --Conan O'Brien
"Hooters announced it's opening up its first restaurant in the Holy Land. After hearing this, Bill Clinton said, 'As far as I'm concerned, Hooters is the Holy Land.'" --Conan O'Brien
"Hillary Clinton announced that the vast right-wing conspiracy is back. Or, maybe she said, 'The vast right-wing conspiracy is Barack.'" --Jay Leno
"According to some new recently declassified documents, Iraq pretended to have weapons of mass destruction to prevent themselves from being attacked. Well, that plan worked well." --Jay Leno
"Khalid Shaikh Mohammed ... confessed to being the mastermind behind the 9/11 attacks. He also said he planned 29 other attacks. Because of this, they said he could lose his New York City taxi cab driver license." --Jay Leno
