Late-night jokes 3/29
"According to the L.A. Times, insurgents in Iraq are targeting educated people like professors and librarians. ... If the intelligent are targeted and killed, then the only ones left to lead the country will be the ignorant. So, at least they are getting closer to an American-style democracy." --Jay Leno
"I think the pressure is starting to get to Attorney General Alberto Gonzales. Did you hear about today? He tried to fire the cast of 'Boston Legal.'" --Jay Leno
"Of course, President Bush is worried too. He thinks this could hurt his guest attorney general worker program." --Jay Leno
"In his new tell-all book, Republican former House Majority Leader Tom DeLay said he partied too much, drank too much, and slept with too many women he wasn't married to. You know what the Republicans call a guy like that? A Democrat." --Jay Leno
"When DeLay was cheating and having sex with all these women, that's when he earned the nickname 'Five-second DeLay.'" --Jay Leno
"According to the latest census survey, the number of people without health insurance has dropped by two million. Duh, they're dead because they didn't have health insurance." --Jay Leno
"The liberal assault on our president continues, folks. Yesterday the Democrats pulled out their most underhanded weapon yet -- Republicans. ... Senator Hagel wasted no time in mavericking the president [on screen: Hagel criticizing Bush and saying the U.S. is not a monarchy]. Of course it's not a monarchy. What an outrageous thing to say. The president should confiscate Hagel's land and revoke his privilege." --Stephen Colbert
"Rudy Giuliani, the Republican frontrunner, was in the news today. ... We thought Rudy Giuliani was [his third wife's] second husband. It turns out it's her third husband. He'll never forget 9/11. But anniversaries, he's got to write those down. ... In addition to this, Rudy's first wife was his cousin. And they say a New Yorker can't win in the South." --Bill Maher
"Did you see this today about Barack Obama? Genealogy research has revealed that Obama's great-great-grandfather was born in Ireland. Oh great, now he won't be Irish enough for people." --Bill Maher
"Looks like the Democrats are starting to get a little ... ballsy. The House of Representatives voted to order President Bush to bring the troops home by September of next year. It passed barely. The Republicans, except for two, all voted against that. Republican Sam Johnson of Texas said, 'This bill literally hands the enemy our war plan.' Which would be embarrassing ... since it's written on a cocktail napkin." --Bill Maher
"I give credit where credit is due. Finally, someone from the Bush family has enlisted. George Prescott Bush, the president's nephew, has enlisted in the Navy. The Navy is a tradition in the Bush family. The first president Bush was a Navy pilot. The current President Bush spends money like a drunken sailor." --Bill Maher
"Dick Cheney again this week was in the hospital. He was experiencing discomfort in his leg. And the doctor asked Cheney if he stretches. Cheney said, 'Are you kidding? I linked 9/11 with Saddam Hussein.'" --Bill Maher
"Alberto Gonzales still fighting for his life. Bush said this week that Gonzales has his full support and he has no plans to fire him. Of course, he made that statement in front of a big sign that said 'Adios Amigo.'" --Bill Maher
"You can tell it's Spring. Laura Bush's smile is beginning to thaw." --Bill Maher
"I love the springtime. It's a time of renewal when the old U.S. attorneys are plowed under ... and the new ones are beginning to sprout. It's a time when Rudy Giuliani picks out his Easter dress." --Bill Maher
"At a Washington museum, a new exhibit is about to open that features a first-grade report card of President Bush's where he received straight A's. This sounds impressive, but President Bush was 23 at the time." --Conan O'Brien
"The '08 presidential campaign is well underway. ... Country legend Merle Haggard has written a tribute song called 'Hillary' that is supportive of Hillary Clinton. Bill Clinton has also written a tribute song called 'Hillary,' but it's about Hillary Duff." --Conan O'Brien
"According to a new report by a genealogy company, Barack Obama's great-great-great-grandfather was born in Ireland. Yeah, that should really solidify Obama's support among Irish African-Americans raised in Hawaii." --Conan O'Brien
"Republican presidential candidate John McCain spent the day campaigning in Newark, New Jersey. Afterwards, McCain said, 'Oh my God, and I thought Vietnam was bad.'" --Conan O'Brien
"NBC and the Fox network announced they are going to join forces to create a new broadcast portal that will compete with YouTube. This amazing new broadcast portal is called television." --Conan O'Brien
"In an interview that came out today, Rudy Giuliani's wife admits that Rudy is her third husband, not her second husband. She completely forgot about her first marriage. Oh, Bill Clinton does that all the time." --Jay Leno
"President Bush said today that he has legal opinion on his side in the Alberto Gonzales case. President Bush can claim executive privilege according to his lawyer ... Alberto Gonzales" --Jay Leno
"This week Georgia Governor Sonny Perdue said he was skeptical about having his state apologize for its role in slavery, saying, 'Repentance comes from the heart. And when I looked deep in my heart, I realized I could really use some slaves'" --Seth Meyers
"Commenting on the fourth anniversary of the war in Iraq, President Bush said, 'It can be tempting to look at the challenges in Iraq and conclude our best option is to pack up and go home.' He then added, 'But we need to stay crazy and not do that.'" --Amy Poehler
"Yesterday Al Gore told members of Congress 'that the planet has a fever and it needs a doctor.' When the congressmen heard this, they asked Gore, 'You won an Oscar for this?'" --Conan O'Brien
"Sources at the Pentagon say that several factories in Iraq will soon begin making clothes to be sold in the United States. Yeah, because Americans only want two things from Iraq -- a stable, central government and affordable, quality menswear" --Conan O'Brien
"I love when they say this is a constitutional crisis. Oh, please. We haven't used the Constitution in years." --Jay Leno, on the U.S. attorney firing scandal
"Attorney General Alberto Gonzales announced his new plan. ... The audience will now be able to call up and vote for which U.S. attorneys they think should be eliminated." --Jay Leno
"Attorney General Alberto Gonzales announced his new plan. ... The audience will now be able to call up and vote for which U.S. attorneys they think should be eliminated." --Jay Leno
"Indicted Republican congressman Tom DeLay, who was forced to resign last year, says in his new book that he used to cheat on his wife all the time and get drunk. He said that 20 years ago he was a self-centered a 'self-centered jerk.' That's all changed now. Now he's just a disgraced politician. Huge improvement." -Jay Leno
"Al Gore told Congress that global warming shouldn't be a political issue, it should be a moral issue. And Congress went, 'A moral issue? What's that?'" --Jay Leno
"He said that in the future our energy sources will work similar to how the Internet works today. Really? So our cars would run on porn?" --Jay Leno
