Late-night jokes 4/7
"The 15 British hostages ... say they were well-treated and not tortured. The hostages said, 'Not once were we forced to eat British food.'" --Conan O'Brien
"Iranian President Mahmoud I'm-A-Nut-Job ... released those 15 British captives. ... He released them after they were held hostage for 13 days. Or, as we call it in this country, JetBlue." --Jay Leno
"Iran was worried that if they didn't act soon, then Nancy Pelosi would go over and talk to them too." --Jay Leno
"Democratic Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi went to Syria, and she said she found some common ground to talk about with the Syrians. I guess they told each other Bush jokes for a few hours." --Jay Leno
"Mitt Romney ... has been telling people he's a 'lifelong hunter,' but the truth is that he went hunting once when he was 15 years old and once last year, so by 'lifelong' he means he went twice. ... I think it's important to add, both of the times he went hunting, he shot an old man in the face ... so he's at least vice presidential material." --Conan O'Brien
"Romney ... was saying he is a 'lifelong hunter.' Turns out he's hunted exactly twice ... in his whole life. Dick Cheney has hunted lawyers more times!" --Jay Leno
"Giuliani said he wants to make it clear he is not in favor of gay marriage. He believes marriage should be between a man and a woman, no matter how many times it takes them to get it right" --Jay Leno
"Tom Tancredo has thrown his hat into the presidential ring ... after talking it over with his family. But even members of his own family were goin', 'Who are you again?'" --Jay Leno
"Congratulations to Hillary Clinton. ... She raised $26 million. Which is kind of risky, you know. If she ends up with too much money, she may have to run as a Republican." --Jay Leno
"Presidential candidate Rudy Giuliani is lashing out at the press, asking the press to lay off his wife. The press responded today. They said, 'Okay. Which one?'" --Jay Leno
"Health officials are now warning that prescription sleeping pills can cause something called 'sleep driving.' It causes people to get up in the middle of the night, drive somewhere, and have no memory of where they went or what they did. To which Bill told Hillary, 'See!'" --Jay Leno
"Rudy Giuliani says the press can attack him all they want, but they should lay off his wife. Giuliani added, 'I just mean this wife. It's open season on the first two.'" --Conan O'Brien
"The big story in the presidential campaign is how much money Hillary Clinton has raised. It's a record. She raised $26 million in the first quarter, and then shifted $10 million she had leftover from her Senate race for a total of $36 million. Hillary Clinton has so much money ... John Kerry is now hitting on her." --Jay Leno
"A big issue this year is how many of these presidential candidates are guys that have been divorced -- some of them two or three times. Do you think that hurts the candidate? See, I think it gives them valuable experience. They know how to negotiate with the enemy." --Jay Leno
"Republican candidates are announcing their first quarter fundraising totals so far. Mitt Romney announced he's raised $23 million, Rudy Giuliani said he's raised $15 million, and Congressman Tom Tancredo announced he's raised two children." --Conan O'Brien
"Police in Connecticut arrested a man for speeding who identified himself as Vice President Dick Cheney. They took the guy to the hospital. Obviously, this guy has mental problems. I mean, these days, what sane person would try to pass themselves off as Dick Cheney?" --Jay Leno
"Hillary Clinton is running for president. ... She's set a fundraising record; she's already raised $26 million. That's a lot of money. To put that in perspective, that is more money than President Bush lost in all the years he was a businessman." --Jimmy Kimmel
"Baseball season has officially started. For the second year in a row, President Bush did not throw out the first pitch. You know why? The rumor is he was worried about being booed. That never stopped the Kansas City Royals" --Jay Leno
"In a recent speech, California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger told his audience, 'don't believe the platitudes of a politician.' Of course, when Arnold said it, it sounded like, 'Don't believe the platypus of a bad optician.'" --Conan O'Brien
"When Iran was holding those 15 British sailors hostage the United Nations told Iran the world is united against them. So now the Iranians knows how we feel." --Jay Leno
"In Nevada, as part of a training exercise, firefighters burned down the famous brothel, the Mustang Ranch. The sad news? Two congressmen were still inside." --Jay Leno
"Bush visited Walter Reed. When you've got a problem like Walter Reed that needs solving, what better sight than to see George Bush walk through the door? ... He's created so many disasters, I'm not sure he knows which is which anymore. He walked into Walter Reed, and he said he wanted to have it ready for next year's Mardi Gras." --Bill Maher
"Some people still love him. He also spoke at the Cattlemen's Beef Association. They love him, but then again, they're used to being knee-deep in bulls**t." --Bill Maher
"The president also had a moving ceremony for the Tuskegee airmen, the all black aviation squadron from World War II. A lot of these guys in their late 80s now. They were given gold medals, they were thanked, they were honored, and then the were re-activated and sent to Iraq." --Bill Maher
"A lot of merriment in Washington. They had the Radio and TV Correspondents' Dinner the other night. That's where the president meets the reporters. He said it's nice to finally put the faces with the leaks." --Bill Maher
"The president got up there and did a little routine. 'Cause times are funny. He did his famous Patriot Act knock-knock joke. There's no knocking. They just break in." --Bill Maher
"Alberto Gonzales is in trouble because his number two man testified basically that he's a big f**king liar. Gonzales said today that he didn't lie about being involved in the firings, he just didn't recall being involved. So I guess they finally settled on a scapegoat ... Jose Cuervo." --Bill Maher
"In New York, Catholic groups have forced an art gallery to shut down an exhibition of a six-foot image of Jesus in chocolate. Or, as Democrats call it, Barack Obama." --Bill Maher
"There's a big scandal going on with ... 'American Idol.' Sanjaya is apparently being kept on the show because there's a web site called votefortheworst.com, which urges the voters to vote for the worst possible choice. Bush heard about it and said, 'Hey, it worked for me.'" --Bill Maher
"President Bush had big April Fools' Day plans. He called Alberto Gonzales and told him he's doing a heckuva a job." --David Letterman
"On Saturday ... Al Gore will be 59 years old. He'll have a cake with 59 candles. 59 candles? Well, hell, there's your global warming right there." --David Letterman
"We're now finding out where all the candidates met their spouses. Barack Obama met his wife at a law firm. John McCain met his wife at a Naval officers' dance. And Rudy Giuliani met his third wife when he was cheating on his first wife with his second wife." --Jay Leno
"Actor and former U.S. Senator Fred Thompson, the guy from "Law and Order," ... is thinking of running. He's only been married twice. By Republican standards, that would make him the family values candidate." --Jay Leno
"The U.N. Security Council expressed concern over Iran capturing those 15 British soldiers. Concerned? With the U.N. involved, this could escalate from concerned to severely frowned upon." --Jay Leno
