Late-night jokes 4/13
"The White House says it wants to appoint a high-powered official to oversee the wars in Iraq and Afghanistan, and issue directions to the Pentagon and the State Department. This person would be called 'the president of the United States.'" --Conan O'Brien
"Just days after her controversial trip to Syria, House Speaker Nancy Pelosi announced she's considering taking another controversial trip -- this time to Iran. Even worse, when Pelosi gets back, she's going fishing with Don Imus."--Conan O'Brien
"It makes you realize what a helacious s**thole Indiana must be." -- Aasif Mandvi, on Rep. Mike Pence comparing the Baghdad marketplace to summertime in Indiana
"Hillary Clinton, Barack Obama, and John Edwards, as well as a number of other Democratic candidates, say they the will not participate in a presidential debate next month, because the debate is on Fox News and Fox News is biased. How are you going to stand up to terrorists when you're afraid of Fox News?" --Jay Leno
"Earlier today, Senator John McCain moved to re-energize his presidential campaign with a speech to those for whom his politics are very personal -- the last uniformed Americans not deployed in Iraq, the cadets at the Virginia Military Institute. ... How committed is Senator McCain? [on screen: McCain saying, 'I would rather lose a campaign than a war.'] ... Luckily for Senator McCain, he might not have to choose." --Jon Stewart
"In a speech in Alabama, Republican presidential candidate Rudy Giuliani said the one thing about him that you can count on is that we he makes a decision, he sticks with it. You don't believe him? You can ask either of his two ex-wives." --Jay Leno
"All of the major Democratic presidential candidates have now pulled out of a presidential debate sponsored by Fox News, because they feel Fox News is biased. Today, Fox denied the claim and said, 'Well, Republicans are going to win anyway.'" --Jay Leno
"Last week, presidential candidate Mitt Romney called himself a lifelong hunter. Turns out he's only hunted twice in his life. And, of course, both of those times were for Easter eggs. He said he hunts only small animals, like Jed Clampett did. Comparing himself to Jed Clampett? Is that a good idea? Anybody gonna want to vote for President Jed Clampett, especially after eight years of President Jethro?" --Jay Leno
"Do you believe the weather around the country? It was snowing in Washington. It was so white, people thought the Republicans were back in charge. It was so cold in Georgia that Newt Gingrich had another affair just so he could stay warm." --Jay Leno
"The Republicans issued a statement today demanding that House Speaker Nancy Pelosi get back to work. President Bush would have made the statement himself, but he's still on vacation." -Jay Leno
"A consumer watchdog group says there should be a box to check on your ballot if you want a dollar of your taxes to fight crime instead of going to presidential candidates. Which I think is a great idea. I mean, every time you take a buck away from a politician, you're fighting crime right there." -Jay Leno
"Down in Washington, D.C., is the big annual Easter egg hunt they have on the White House lawn. No surprise here -- the $187 billion egg coloring contract went to Halliburton. The kids are all running around hunting for the Easter eggs. And periodically, they'll pick up some of Cheney's shell casings. The kids did a tremendous job. The kids found hundreds and hundreds of eggs. And I'm thinking, 'Hell, lets let them look for bin Laden'." -David Letterman
"CBS News reports that despite the money Obama has raised, Hillary Clinton is not about to roll over. How many times has Bill heard that?" -Jay Leno
"A presidential candidate in France said his plan for birth control would be to encourage people to masturbate. Which explains why no one wants to go into the voting booth after he's done." -Conan O'Brien
