Late-night jokes 4/21
"Scary moment last week for Vice President Dick Cheney's plane. ... It hit a bird over O'Hare airport. A bird got sucked into the engine. Or, as Cheney calls it, a hunting accident. I think it's the first bird he ever hit" --Jay Leno
"Things aren't looking good for Republicans. John McCain's campaign is in free fall. Mitt Romney got caught making up those stupid hunting stories. Rudy Giuliani's been married three times. In fact, the Republican candidates are doing so badly, Democrats are gonna have to work extra hard to screw up this next election" --Jay Leno
"Hugh Hefner announced he is backing Hillary Clinton. Hillary actually likes Hugh Hefner. Now don't confuse that with Bill ... who likes huge heffers." --Jay Leno
"Republican candidate Mitt Romney says that Hillary Clinton is wrong when she says it takes a village to raise a child. But when Hillary's book came out, Romney said Hillary was right and it does take a village to raise a child. For a lifelong hunter, this guy sure shoots himself in the foot a lot." --Jay Leno
"Scary moment yesterday for Newt Gingrich. First, Newt got worried when he heard the IRS said they were cracking down on cheaters. Then he realized it was guys who cheated on their taxes, not their wives." --Jay Leno
"Because of the storms back East, over 250,000 people still without power. In fact, it was so bad in Washington, D.C., Attorney General Alberto Gonzales had to resort to destroying e-mails by hand." --Jay Leno
"FEMA told Congress this week that a revised emergency response plan it was ordered to develop after Hurricane Katrina will not be ready by hurricane season. Well, there's a shock. It's only been two years. I'm surprised FEMA even knows when hurricane season is." --Jay Leno
"During appearances in Denver, John Kerry re-opened the door to running for president in 2008. You know, somebody should really lock that door." --Jay Leno
"In a recent interview, First Lady Laura Bush says she can't fall asleep at night without reading. She says that her nightstand holds so many books, she fears it might collapse. I guess that makes it easy to tell which side of the bed is hers" --Jay Leno
"Presidential hopeful John Edwards had a $400 Beverly Hills haircut. That's a lot of dough. Honest to God, ladies and gentleman, this hair piece didn't cost me $400." --David Letterman
"Here's the worst part: Earlier tonight, Edwards hosted a dinner to raise money for a facial." --David Letterman
"The Bush administration is searching for a war czar to manage all the wars we're in and cut through the federal bureaucracy. Because federal bureaucracy is why we're losing. ... So far, at least five four-star generals have declined the position, some citing that this administration -- this is true -- doesn't appear to know what it's doing" --Jon Stewart
"Presidential candidate Tommy Thompson from Wisconsin is speaking to a Jewish group ... and he tells them, 'For the first time in my life I'm earning money, which is part of the Jewish tradition.' Experts say this could hurt him with the Jewish vote in Iowa ... both of them." --Jay Leno
"Mitt Romney has announced that his son Tagg Romney has joined the campaign. No word from the other kids -- Skip, Jump Rope, and See Saw." --Jay Leno
"John Kerry has said he has not ruled out running for president again. Oh, the voters have ruled it out. ... First, Kerry said he wouldn't run. Now he said he might change his mind. It's nice to know he's consistent on changing his mind." --Jay Leno
"President Bush picked [Iraq war architect Paul] Wolfowitz to head the World Bank in 2005. His mission? Use its mighty financial resources to raise the living standards of people around the world. His first beneficiary? Well, his girlfriend. Last week it was disclosed that Wolfowitz had used his influence to get a promotion and a raise for his long-time paramour, World Bank employee Shaha Ali Riza -- considered to be a foremost expert on the Middle East. Which means, you know what they say, opposites attract." --Jon Stewart
"Meteorologists believe the storm actually started in Washington. What happened was the hot air from Congress mixed with the cold chill from the White House. ... It was a powerful storm. The White House said that the storm destroyed over 10 million e-mails. ... They call this storm a Nor'easter. Which really confused President Bush. He heard a Nor'easter was coming and said, 'Great. Let's get the eggs out again.'" -Jay Leno
"The White House said today that they have lost the e-mails requested by congressional investigators -- e-mails that may have dealt with the firing of those eight federal prosecutors. They lost them. Today the administration assured Americans that they are not corrupt, just incompetent." --Jay Leno
"The Bush administration on Wednesday extended the tours of Army troops in Iraq by three months, increasing their stay to a total of 15 months. Troops responded to the news, saying, 'I'm gay.'" --Amy Poehler
"Mitt Romney is running for president. ... He was talking to the press a couple of weeks ago, and he said he likes to hunt. Turns out he's only been hunting twice in his life. ... His aides are panicked. They're saying, 'For God's sake, will you go hunting and shoot somebody in the face?'" --David Letterman
"The women's basketball team at Rutgers has decided to accept Don Imus' apology. Our long national nightmare is over. ... They accepted his apology ... and then they went back to the dorm and listened to the new R. Kelly jam, 'Pee On a Ho.'" --Bill Maher
"President Bush spoke at a Catholic prayer breakfast. You can tell it was a Catholic prayer breakfast because it was in the morning and he said, 'I'm dying for a little Joe.' And they brought him an alter boy" --Bill Maher
"Presidential candidate John Edwards said regarding the Imus scandal that he believes in forgiveness. Imus called Edwards to thank him and ask if he knew any radio jobs in that other America." --Jay Leno
"It was announced that Hooter's will open one of its restaurants in Israel this summer. So much for keeping the meat separate from the dairy" --Amy Poehler
"Republican Congressman Duncan Hunter has filed papers to run for president, but in his official filing, he misspelled the word 'president.' Political experts say it's all part of Hunter's plan to attract Bush supporters." --Conan O'Brien
"Presidential candidate Rudy Giuliani getting some flack for not knowing the price of a gallon of milk and a loaf of bread. ... But he does know how much a wedding cake costs, because he's bought three of those" --Jay Leno
"Turning now to our current president. Tuesday, he took his case for funding the Iraq troop surge to American Legion Post 177 ... and began with the airing of the platitudes [on screen: Bush saying, 'It matters what happens in distant lands.'] Of course, that seems obvious to many people ... but he just found that out." --Jon Stewart
