Late-night jokes 4/28
"President Bush sent out an e-mail today asking people to send money to the Republican Party. How come those e-mails never get deleted?" --Jay Leno
"Yahoo announced they're going to host the first ever online presidential debate. Why Yahoo? Why not on a eBay? Candidates end up going to the highest bidder anyway" --Jay Leno
"New York City Mayor Michael Bloomberg is busy. He says he wants to copy an anti-poverty program that is currently used in Mexico. Apparently, Mexico has a great anti-poverty program. It's called 'a bus ticket to Los Angeles.'" --Conan O'Brien
"Rosie O'Donnell announced that her reign of terror is over. ... Rosie joined 'The View' in September of last year. She will leave on June 13th. ... Congratulations, Rosie. In nine short months, you transformed morning television from a peaceful land of movie plugs and menopause chat to a violent, sadistic battlefield littered with clumps of Donald Trump's hair, Elisabeth Hasselbeck and piles and piles of Krispy Kreme donuts" --Jimmy Kimmel
"I got myself a new computer this week. I got the Alberto Gonzales Dell computer. Have you seen this one? It destroys your e-mails and has no memory." --Jay Leno
"Almost everybody in Washington is still calling for Gonzales to resign. President Bush said Gonzales' testimony last week increased his confidence in him. Bush said he had no idea Gonzales could lie like that." --Jay Leno
"Presidential candidate Dennis Kucinich introduced articles of impeachment against Vice President Dick Cheney. Do you know what would happen if Cheney was impeached? George Bush would become acting president." --Jay Leno
"In a speech in New York City, Hillary Clinton said when she gets to the White House in 2009 ... she's afraid to see what's she going to find underneath the rug in the Oval Office. You know, I don't think the Clintons are the best people to talk about the rug in the Oval Office." --Jay Leno
"The former president of Russia, Boris 'buy me a drink' Yeltsin, has passed away. He left behind a bar tab of $3.2 billion." --Jay Leno
"There was a prison riot in Indianapolis .. over 35 former congressmen were involved." --Jay Leno
"Are you folks excited about the 2008 presidential campaign? ... Hillary Clinton says that if she's elected, she will name her husband Bill Clinton a roving ambassador to the world. ... Hmmm. Let me think about this. Bill Clinton traveling around the world without his wife? No, I can't see anything going wrong there." --David Letterman
"Some other world class entertainers gathered this weekend for a good cause at the White House Press Correspondents' Dinner. This is where politicians cut loose and make fun of each other and themselves. Last year Stephen Colbert was the headliner, but he was a little bit too funny for their liking I guess, because this year, they went a slightly safer route. They exhumed Rich Little to be the MC. ... Now, when we finally need Dick Cheney to shoot an old man, he's nowhere to be found." --Jimmy Kimmel
"Sheryl Crow was at the dinner to raise awareness of global warming, and she has an interesting plan. Sheryl Crow is encouraging people to only use one square of toilet paper when they go to the bathroom. ... So in other words, don't ever shake Sheryl Crow's hand" --Jimmy Kimmel
"President Bush is standing by Attorney General Alberto Gonzales. Bush says Gonzales is an honorable man. You know what that means? George is drinking again" --David Letterman
"Sanjaya has quite a weekend ahead of him. He's going to the White House Correspondents' dinner on Saturday night, which means there's a really good chance he will meet President Bush. It's crazy to think that a guy who did not get the most votes, who's not good at what he does, is famous despite the fact that he is consistently horrible, would get the chance to go to the White House and meet Sanjaya." --Jimmy Kimmel
"In the wake of his disastrous performance before the Senate Judiciary Committee, Attorney General Alberto Gonzales maintains that he still won't resign.... During the hearings, he said 'I don't remember' or ' I don't recall' over 50 times.... Even the most conservative senators think he should resign. Sam Brownback thinks he should resign, and he's so conservative, he thinks watching 'Will and Grace' gives you AIDS" --Seth Meyers
"Really, President Bush? You think [the Gonzales testimony] went well? Which part? Because the best thing anyone can say about Gonzales' testimony was that he didn't use the word 'nappy,' and he remembered to wear pants." --Amy Poehler
"Over in Washington, Alberto Gonzales testified yesterday before Congress. He is the Sanjaya of the Bush administration. He had a month to rehearse and he still sucked." --Bill Maher
"He said some version of 'I don't remember' 71 times. I know it's 4/20, but even I'm not that big of a pothead." --Bill Maher
"NBC is taking a lot of heat these days, because they aired the videos of this crazed killer. The president of NBC says they debated whether they should air this material for hours, and they were finally persuaded to come down on the side of making a s**tload of money. ... If we only knew there was this big an appetite for raving lunatics, we would have never canceled Imus." --Bill Maher
"Also taking some heat today is Harry Reid, the Democrat leader in the Senate. He apparently told President Bush Iraq is lost. And Bush said, 'Maybe it's with Karl Rove's e-mails.'" --Bill Maher
"Sanjaya was voted off 'American Idol.' ... Experts say that America wasn't going to vote for a guy who spends that much time on his hair ... which is more really bad news for John Edwards." --Jay Leno
"A new study says that heart disease is related to erectile dysfunction. No wonder Dick Cheney's been so grumpy all the time." --Jay Leno
"On Capitol Hill, Attorney General Alberto Gonzales raised his right hand, swore to tell the truth, and then had a good laugh. ... He testified that he had nothing to hide. Well, not anymore ... he deleted everything." --Jay Leno
"After weeks of mock testimony, there you have it. Alberto Gonzales doesn't know what happened, but he assures you, what he doesn't remember was handled properly." --Jon Stewart
"Gonzales used the phrase 'I don't recall' 45 times before lunch. I should point out ... that's a lot. ... What could make a guy forget such a big decision that happened so recently? [on screen: Gonzales saying, 'I went back and looked at my calendar for that week. I traveled to Mexico for the inauguration of the new president. We had National Meth Awareness Day']. Now we know! --Jon Stewart
