Late-night jokes 5/9
"The last time the Queen of England was in the United States was 1991. An awful lot has changed since 1991. Back then, President Bush was fighting a war in Iraq" --David Letterman
"Queen Elizabeth met with President Bush over the weekend. I thought this was nice of President Bush. ... He took the time to learn a little bit of English so he could speak with her." --Jay Leno
"The Queen was welcomed with a 21-gun salute. Well, 22 if you count Cheney's gun, which went off accidentally" --Jay Leno
"The Queen of England was at the White House. And George Bush, by gosh, I wouldn't give this guy's troubles to a monkey on a rock. He gets confused and he went up to the Queen and congratulated her on her Academy Award." --David Letterman
"A week after the first Democratic presidential debate, last Thursday was the Republicans turn at the Ronald Reagan Library in Simi Valley, California. ... This debate aimed to introduce the candidates to the Republican base, or as they're otherwise known, the 28% of Americans who think the last six years have been ... okay. The night's biggest star was Ronald Reagan himself, whose name was evoked no less than 21 times almost 20 years since he left Washington. Compared to our current president, whose name was evoked uh, uh, uh once." --Jon Stewart
"Let's go to the meat and potatoes. How do the candidates respond to a contentious, complex issue? [on screen: candidates being asked if they don't believe in evolution]. In case you missed it, raising their hands were Sam Brownback, Tom Tancredo, and Mike Huckabee. They will be missed" --Jon Stewart
"Nation, we did it again. This past Sunday, the French people went to the polls and elected conservative, pro-American candidate Nicolas Sarkozy as their new president. ... Just how American is he? He's allowed himself to be photographed with George W. Bush, which means he's more American than many of our presidential candidates." --Stephen Colbert
"Speaking of elections, last week Republicans held their first presidential debate. ... All the big candidates were there. McCain, Romney, Giuliani, Brownback, Huckabee ... and five other candidates who demonstrated the Republican Party's diversity. All the colors of the rainbow from eggshell to ivory." --Stephen Colbert
"When reporters of the Associated Press recently asked some of presidential candidates what their favorite reality shows were, Mitt Romney said 'American Idol.' Joe Biden said he didn't have a favorite show. And surprisingly, Rudy Giuliani picked 'Wife Swap.'" --Jay Leno
"ABC had their big expose on Friday on '20/20' about the DC madam. That turned out to be nothing. They didn't name any names. The DC madam said a lot of the hookers who worked for her were in their late 50s. She said they were the most popular ones ... especially when the Rolling Stones are in town." --Jay Leno
"The people who want Bush's job were in Simi Valley for the big first Republican debate. Ten of them got on the stage. ... Chris Matthews was the host and asked the question, 'Raise your hand if you do not believe in evolution.' Three of these clowns raised their hands. Actually, four. But McCain just had to use the potty. ... McCain said he not only believes in evolution, he remembers it." --Bill Maher
"Sam Brownback, Mike Huckabee and Tom Tancredo -- those were the three guys who said they do not believe in evolution. The irony will be on them when their campaigns die off in favor of stronger, fitter campaigns." --Bill Maher
"The candidates came prepared. Rudy Giuliani, of course, brought his energy; McCain brought his experience; Mitt Romney brought his charm; Mike Huckabee brought his name tag." --Jay Leno, on the Republican debate
"My favorite part of the debate was when Chris Matthews asked, 'Who does not believe in evolution?' And Sam Brownback, Mike Huckabee and Tom Tancredo all raised their paw. ... They said they do not believe in evolution. Then they said the biggest threat to America is religious radicals living in the Dark Ages. " --Jay Leno
"At the Reagan Library, President Bush's name was only mentioned once ... in the entire debate. But to be fair, you often don't hear Bush's name mentioned in libraries." --Jay Leno
"Given the fact we have a war going on in Iraq and global warming and George Bush in the White House, it's nice to see someone taking to the streets in this country. Of course, once again, Mexicans performing the work Americans can't be bothered to do." --Bill Maher, on immigration protests
"This is the week that Congress sent the president a bill to bring the troops home, which, of course, as he promised he would do, vetoed it. The president said setting a deadline for withdrawal was setting a date for failure. And we all know, this is a president who likes his failures unplanned and spur-of-the-moment." --Bill Maher
"Barack Obama has been placed under Secret Service protection. ... Of course, now comes the tough part -- picking a Secret Service codename that Al Sharpton will not find racist." --Bill Maher
"Hillary Clinton, as a former first lady, already has a Secret Service detail. And, of course, Bill Clinton never travels without protection" --Bill Maher
"Because of Barack Obama's immense popularity, he has already been given Secret Service protection. ... Poor Joe Biden. Did you see what he got? A can of a mace and a pen knife." --Jay Leno
"Time Magazine released its list of the '100 Most Influential People in the World.' President Bush is not on the list. However, supermodel Kate Moss is. I guess the scary part is that Katie Moss actually has a better plan for getting us out of Iraq" --Jay Leno
"You know, the Republican Party has had a difficult time lately because not too many people like President Bush. His approval rating is still down in the 30s. And that percent, by the way, is 30 people" --Jimmy Kimmel
