Late-night jokes 5/13
"President Bush's approval rating has dropped to an all-time low of 28%. Here's my question: Is 28% still technically an approval rating?" --Jay Leno
"Vice President Cheney made a surprise visit to Iraq today. Great. The one place we need him firing off his gun, he doesn't bring it." --Jay Leno
"The price of oil fell to $1.26 a barrel. It went down. In fact, that's why Cheney is in the Mideast ... to find out what went wrong." --Jay Leno
"Barack Obama's wife, Michelle Obama, has been out campaigning for her husband. She praised her husband for having a moral compass. In fact, Hillary Clinton called her and asked, 'Where can I get one of these moral compasses for Bill?'" --Jay Leno
"It's a beautiful day. Or, as Al Gore calls it, the last gasp of a dying planet." --David Letterman
"Paris Hilton is going to prison. Paris Hilton's fans have contacted Governor Schwarzenegger to ask for a pardon for Paris Hilton. The reason they want the governor to pardon Paris Hilton is because she brings beauty and excitement to their lives. There's a precedent for this -- that's exactly why Ford pardoned Nixon." --David Letterman
"Vice President Dick Cheney is on his tour of the Middle East. Over there, he's very popular. He's known as 'Lawrence of Arrhythmia'" --David Letterman
"The 2008 presidential election is heating up. We have narrowed down the field to 18 candidates. 19, if you count Hillary's emotional baggage." --Stephen Colbert
"President Bush hosted a state dinner in Queen Elizabeth's honor. Guests included Trent Lott, Elizabeth Hasselbeck from 'The View' and the winning jockey from the Kentucky Derby. Which explains why the Queen was overheard saying, 'This party bites the big one.'" --Conan O'Brien
"In Iran, President Ahmadinejad is apparently so unpopular that the parliament has voted to take away his powers and shorten his term. When he heard this, President Bush said, 'That lucky bastard'" --Conan O'Brien
"There were record high temperatures yesterday. I blame Al Gore. Until he invented this global warming, none of this stuff happened." --Jimmy Kimmel
"Help is on the way, people -- Dick Cheney in a secret surprise visit. The vice president put on his Sunday best and arrived in Baghdad under cover of darkness. Now I know it appeared to be in the middle of the day, but Cheney, as you know, always brings his own cover of darkness. It's like Pig-Pen, but instead of dirt, followed by an intangible void." --Jon Stewart
"The British press is angry. They're claiming that President Bush disrespected the queen because he accidentally suggested she was over 200 years old and then winked at her. ... When President Bush noticed the queen was annoyed, he said, 'Shake it off,' and slapped her ass." --Conan O'Brien
"There was a big hubbub in Great Britain because President Bush winked at the queen. I'm pretty sure that was the first time the queen's ever been winked at. As you can see, she absolutely loved it [on screen: Queen Elizabeth looking stern]. In the old days, that's the look queens gave before you were beheaded." --Jimmy Kimmel
"Great Britain's Queen Elizabeth II has been touring the new world .. popping by the White House. ... [on screen: Bush saying, 'You helped our nation celebrate its bicentennial in 17, in 1976' .. 'She gave me a look that only a mother could give a child']. She did give that look. Only in this case, the mother is the Queen of England and the child is our president." --Jon Stewart
"This week, former President Bill Clinton wrote the clues for the New York Times crossword puzzle. Which explains why the clue for number 9-Down is 'Synonym for pain in the ass rhyming with Millary.'" --Conan O'Brien
"In a commencement speech over the weekend, Republican presidential candidate Mitt Romney told students they should all get married. But he said, 'Not like Giuliani. Don't go overboard'" --Jay Leno
"How much are you folks paying for gas? Get ready. ... It could be $4 a gallon this summer. It's all part of President Bush's 'No Oil Company Left Behind' program." --David Letterman
"According to the latest poll numbers, Hillary Clinton is widening her lead on Barack Obama. Bad news. The only bright spot is Clinton's continuing struggle to win over anti-war Democrats who demand she say her 2002 war authorization vote was a mistake. She hasn't, and I support that. Her refusal to admit a mistake is her most presidential attribute." --Stephen Colbert
"President Bush and First Lady Laura Bush hosted the Queen of England at a big state dinner. One embarrassing moment when the queen told President Bush she'd be on the throne for over 50 years, and Bush said, 'Try Metamucil.'" --Jay Leno
