Sooner Be Blue

 

"The head of the World Bank, Paul Wolfowitz, resigned after getting in trouble. He promoted his girlfriend and gave her a job at the Bank. That's big news. A Republican forced out over a sex scandal involving ... a woman?!" --Jay Leno

 

"John McCain said that he is willing to be the last man standing in support of the war. I think he already is." --Jay Leno

 

"A nature watchdog group says we have five years to fix global warming or face catastrophic consequences ... like the possibility of another Al Gore movie." --Jay Leno

 

"The White House and key members from both houses of Congress have come to an agreement on an immigration bill. Now people from Mexico can finally come to this country and no longer go through all that red tape." --Jay Leno

 

"Here's news from Washington, DC: We now have a new war czar. Yes, he was appointed by President Bush, so what could go wrong?" --David Letterman

 

"At the White House, President Bush and British Prime Minister Tony Blair held their last joint press conference. In other words, it was the last time they played Christopher Robin and Pooh." --Conan O'Brien

 

"Fox News aired the second Republican presidential debate. My favorite part was when the white guy went after those two white guys, and three other white guys chimed in." --Conan O'Brien

 

"They had another Republican presidential debate. ... Did you see those Republican candidates? They looked like the evil law firm in a John Grisham movie." --David Letterman

 

"There are rumors coming out of Washington that when Vice President Dick Cheney was CEO of Halliburton, he used to go visit prostitutes. This could explain why one girl was paid $2 billion." --David Letterman

 

"Cheney going to a prostitute? I can't believe a good-looking guy like that would ever have to pay for sex" --David Letterman

 

"They had the second Republican debate. And the main difference this time? [on screen: Fox News Channel's Brit Hume saying the debate is being sponsored by Fox News and the SC GOP]. Isn't that redundant?" --Jon Stewart

 

"The Republican presidential candidates had a big debate, 10 candidates. The last time that many rich white guys got together, I think Exxon merged with Mobil." --Jay Leno

 

"Plans are in the works for another terminator movie, 'Terminator 4,' but Arnold Schwarzenegger will not return as the terminator. I guess they finally realized that a hi-tech robot from the future should be able to speak a little better English than that." --Jay Leno

 

"I'm happy to report that Vice President Dick Cheney has returned from the Middle East. And he certainly straightened that mess out. ... He made a stop in Egypt, as a matter of fact, on the way home. Apparently, Halliburton wants to rebuild the pyramids." --David Letterman

 

"President Bush introduced plans to cut the nation's addiction to oil. Dick Cheney, who's been on a trip to the Middle East, said, 'I can't leave that guy for two minutes. He does something stupid like this.'" --Jay Leno

 

"Last week, Tony Blair announced that he will step down as U.K. prime minister in June. Seems arbitrary, but that's the British parliamentary system for you. I guess instead of term limits, you just retire whenever Merlin tells you to." --Stephen Colbert

 

"Listen to what Mr. Romney said on '60 Minutes' about his church's history [on screen: Romney saying that he 'cannot imagine anything more awful than polygamy']. Really? You can't think of anything more awful than multiple wives? What if one of those wives was a minotaur? What if it was gay polygamy, and they're all dudes? Or what if they were gay minotaurs? Mr. Romney, presidents can't have a failure of imagination. ... Point is you should not apologize for your religion. You don't see me apologizing for what Catholics did in the past -- the Crusades, the Inquisition, guitar mass" --Stephen Colbert

 

"Tony Blair, prime minister of England, is stepping down. He said he wanted to spend more time humping Bush's leg. ... He said he hopes people remember him as the people's poodle." --Bill Maher

 

"They didn't have the heart to tell Bush. They didn't say Blair was gone. They just said he went to live on a farm." --Bill Maher

 

"Apparently, we may have foiled a terrorist attack right here in America. Six bozos were going to attack the army base at Fort Dix, New Jersey. But Bush outsmarted them ... because, as we all know, every single American soldier is safely in Iraq." --Bill Maher

 

"There's a DC madam. She's got a little black book. Apparently, Dick Cheney's undisclosed location may have been in her little black book. The vice president's office has vigorously denied that he had ever had anything to do with giving a human being pleasure" --Bill Maher

 

"Hamas has started a new children's show, which features Farfur, a Mickey Mouse knock-off who teaches Islamic radicalism and hatred toward America and Israel. Farfur replaces the network's previous children's show, Dora the Exploder." --Seth Meyers

 

"A 75-year-old retired nurse has become the first black woman to reach the North Pole, in what has to be the worst Katrina relocation story yet" --Seth Myers

 

"While visiting troops in Iraq, Vice President Dick Cheney told them that he knows they are suffering hardships from extended deployments, but the longer stays are vital to the mission. Then, still pointing his side arm, he slowly backed into his plane and left." --Amy Poehler

 

"The president said today he would go along with Congress' request to establish benchmarks regarding Iraq. For example, the Iraqi government would have to show results by certain dates before they are given any more money. Forget Iraq. Why don't we try that here?" --Jay Leno

 

"British Prime Minister Tony Blair announced that he will step down next month. After hearing this, President Bush said, 'That's a shame. He's the only world leader who took the time to learn English.'" --Conan O'Brien

 

"According to a new State Department report, the number of terrorist attacks in Iraq jumped 91% from 2005 to 2006, many of the attacks planned and executed by al-Qaeda, and several of those attacks using deadly chlorine gas. That's right people: Iraq and al-Qaeda, working together with weapons of mass destruction... finally Iraq has become the country we thought it was when we invaded." --Jon Stewart

 

"An employee at Circuit City busted up a terrorist ring. Well, no wonder I can never get a salesman to help me pick out an answering machine. They're out chasing al Qaeda guys. ... This guy's pretty good. Not only did he bust up the terror ring, he also sold them a bunch of crap they didn't need" --David Letterman

 

"20% of teenagers say they would like to grow up and be president of the United States. ... So kids, remember, if you don't study and all you do is party, it could happen for you" --Jay Leno