Late-night jokes 5/23
"The price of gas just keeps going up. Gas is so expensive that today I saw Jimmy Carter and President Bush carpooling." --Jay Leno
"Carter actually said George W. Bush is the worst in history. Then Bush said, 'No, that's not true.' He said he was the worst in math and English. He actually got a C-minus in history." --Jay Leno
"Ex-presidents are not supposed to insult the current president. It's one of those unwritten rules. Well now Jimmy Carter is backtracking. He's saying his comments were misinterpreted. Yeah, I'm sure the phrase 'worst in history' can be taken any number of ways." --Jay Leno
"Under President Bush, sure, we have the war in Iraq. But the young kids don't remember. Under President Carter, we had something far worse -- disco." --Jay Leno
"All the candidates have made their financial disclosures. Mitt Romney appears to be the richest Republican, worth about $250 million. To which Rudy Giuliani said, 'I would have been worth that much if I just had one wife too.'" --Jay Leno
"Senator John McCain and Texas Senator John Cornyn recently got into a heated match, yelling at each other over the details of this new immigration bill. ... Ironically, you know how it ended? A Mexican standoff." --Jay Leno
"President Bush said today we need to find a middle ground on immigration. We already have a middle ground on immigration. It's called Texas, Arizona, Southern California." --Jay Leno
"According to a new survey in Money Magazine, six percent of Americans said they would be willing to sleep with their boss if it would help their career. When he heard about it, the head of the World Bank, Paul Wolfowitz, said, 'I need names. I need phone numbers.'" --Jay Leno
"Last week, Tony Blair paid his final visit to the White House in preparation for his departure from the British stage, signaling the end of famed celebrity power couple 'Primesident Blush.' ... So, there it is. The end of an era. I'm sorry, I misspoke. A huge, seemingly endless series of errors" --Jon Stewart
"The president of Iraq, Jalal Talabani, came to America to check into a weight loss clinic 'cause he's dangerously obese. Apparently, Talabani is the only Iraqi these days worried about dying of natural causes." --Conan O'Brien
"C-SPAN is launching a new satellite radio station that will be completely dedicated to covering the 2008 presidential election. Experts say that listening to C-SPAN is the perfect solution for people who find watching C-SPAN too stimulating." --Conan O'Brien
"This week, Congress is considering issuing a no-confidence resolution concerning Attorney General Alberto Gonzales. After hearing this, President Bush said, 'You know, that's not going to help his confidence.'" --Conan O'Brien
"It looks like the Senate and the president have finally agreed on an immigration bill. ... This one looks like it could become law and, of course, nobody likes it. The conservatives say the bill gives amnesty to the illegals. The liberals say it doesn't go far enough to protect the hardworking immigrants here in America. And the L.A.P.D. doesn't know who to beat up." --Bill Maher
"The 12 million people who are here illegally are going to have to go back home to their home countries, touch base, pay a $5,000 fine and then reapply. Also, you have to prove you've never broken the law here or you can't get back in. So, Alberto Gonzales is really screwed." --Bill Maher
"The liberals are saying that this guest worker program ... is really just a way to depress wages and create a permanent underclass of exploited labor. To which the president said, 'And the problem is?'" --Bill Maher
"I don't blame the president. He doesn't really understand, first of all, what amnesty means. He thinks amnesty is what happens on soap operas when people wake up and they can't remember anything." --Bill Maher
"I kid the president. What a week he had. It was a bittersweet moment. He was in the Rose Garden for the last time with his long-time lover Tony Blair. As you know, Tony Blair is stepping down as prime minister and made his final visit to the U.S. There they were in the Rose Garden defending together their decision to go to war in Iraq. Dick Cheney had to be restrained, because usually when he sees two lame ducks, you know." --Bill Maher
"The man who is described often as the architect of the Iraq war, Paul Wolfowitz, who went on to be the head of the World Bank, is finally stepping down. Leave it to the Bush people to find the one Jew who can't run a bank." --Bill Maher
"The people who were trying to get him out had to agree to say that he was not guilty of doing any wrongdoing. That was very important to Wolfowitz because he does not want anything to tarnish his reputation as the architect of the Iraq war." --Bill Maher
"Lieutenant General Douglas Lute, the Pentagon's director of operations, was chosen to oversee the fighting in Iraq and Afghanistan as a war czar. Lute was chosen after being the last one in the room to yell, 'Not it!'" --Amy Poehler
"The average national price of a gallon of gas hit an all-time record high of $3.15 this week. Meaning that wherever you're going this summer, it might be cheaper to mail your car." --Amy Poehler
"A new bird called the gorgeted puffleg, which is a blue-and-green-throated hummingbird species, was discovered in a cloud forest in Columbia. Though still nothing on bin Laden" --Amy Poehler
"The Associated Press says that many of the Mexican people in Mexico are against this new immigration bill. Oh, man. Let's hope they don't boycott coming here." --Jay Leno
"They're going to have to pay a $5,000 fine. Where are these people going to get five grand? I mean, what are the chances Wal-Mart's going to give them a raise?" --Jay Leno
"It's Friday, which means Rudy Giuliani is pro-choice again. ... Actually, presidential candidate Rudy Giuliani says he believes in a woman's right to choose, and he's shown that time and time again when it comes to choosing women. He's likes to have his choice. I think this is his third one." --Jay Leno
"The head of the World Bank, Paul Wolfowitz, resigned after getting in trouble for promoting his girlfriend and then giving her a huge raise. This is a worse tragedy for the girl ... because now it means she slept with him for nothing" --Jay Leno
"Do you know the story of Shrek? Shrek is a beastly ogre ... and he marries into a family of royalty. Then, eventually, he goes on to become governor of California." --David Letterman
