Late-night jokes 5/29
"Giuliani has been paying his wife $10,000 a month to help write his speeches. That's every wife's dream, isn't it? To put words in your husband's mouth, and get paid for it." --Jay Leno
"In a related story, President Bush gives his wife, Laura, $5,000 a month to teach him how to pronounce some of the bigger words in his speeches." --Jay Leno
I'm very happy. I checked today and under the new immigration bill, we can keep Arnold as our governor" --Jay Leno
"Good news. ... The Democrats dug around and they found their rubber stamp. ... The new bill contains a plan to establish 18 benchmarks. ... It's sort of like punishing your child by saying, 'If you don't get your grades up, you are grounded ... unless, of course, you would like to go out. And by the way, you are grading yourself and I keep the pot in the silverware drawer" --Jon Stewart, on the Iraq war funding bill
"President Bush was caught driving his truck without a seatbelt on at his ranch, but that's not even the dangerous part, the dangerous part is Dick Cheney was riding shotgun." --Jay Leno
"Former New Jersey Governor Jim McGreevey's ex-wife said, when she found out her husband was gay, she went to Hillary Clinton for advice. Hillary said, 'Gay? I wish I had your problems'" --Conan O'Brien
"Iraqi President Jalal Talabani has come to the United States and checked into a weight loss clinic because he's dangerously obese. ... A spokesperson for the clinic said, 'You can't blame the leader of Iraq for eating every meal like it's his last.'" --Conan O'Brien
"Jimmy Carter called Bush and his administration the worst in history. As you know, President Bush's approval numbers have dropped as low as 28%. That's the lowest for any president since ... Jimmy Carter. So, I guess he knows what he's talking about." --Jay Leno
"It's been a rough week for President Bush. He was caught driving by reporters not wearing his seatbelt. He was down on the ranch driving around without a seatbelt on. His aide said he just refuses to buckle up. Bill Clinton had the exact same problem." --Jay Leno
"Under this new congressional plan, illegal immigrants would be able to live in the United States if they pay a $5,000 fine. $5,000? So, that would rule out working people or parents trying to support a family. However, you would get to keep all the drug dealers." --Jay Leno
"Yesterday, Democrat Bill Richardson officially announced he's running for president. So, now he has officially no chance of winning." --Jay Leno
"Democrats announced they're going to have six debates in six different cities all around the country. The good news is that Hillary Clinton will use a different accent for each city." --Jay Leno
"Experts said this is going to be a very busy hurricane season. To which FEMA said, 'Not for us'" --Jay Leno
"According to a new study, Viagra cures jet lag. At least that's what Bill Clinton told Hillary when she found the pills in his luggage" --David Letterman
"Basically, some immigrants already in the country illegally will have to pay a $5,000 fine, then the head of the household will make a touch-back trip to their home country, at which point they can apply for Z visas ... or one can apply for a probationary card ... or you can get a guest-worker Y visa. ... Of course, you understand all of that because you're an illegal alien who doesn't speak English very well and lives in fear of deportation" --Jon Stewart, on the immigration reform bill
"Barack Obama recently spent two days campaigning in New Hampshire. Everywhere he went in New Hampshire, Obama was greeted with shouts of 'Go Barack!', 'Beat Hillary!', and 'Hey look! It's a black guy!'" --Conan O'Brien
"Iraqi President Jalal Talabani is apparently dangerously obese, so he came to the United States to check into a weight-loss clinic. Talabani says he came here because America may not know how to run Iraq, but they sure as hell know how to run a fat camp." --Conan O'Brien
"Yesterday at his ranch in Texas, President Bush hosted the leader of NATO. There was an awkward moment when Bush said, 'Maybe some day I could visit you in Natonia.'" --Conan O'Brien
