"Director Steven Spielberg has announced that he will endorse Hillary Clinton for president. He says he likes Hillary because she combines the warmth of the raptors in 'Jurassic Park' with the charisma of the mashed potato tower in 'Close Encounters.' ... You'd think he'd endorse Dennis Kucinich after giving him the lead role in 'E.T.'" --Jimmy Kimmel
"This just in: al Qaeda is claiming credit for the vague ending of 'The Sopranos.'" --David Letterman
"George Bush ... was in Albania and his watch was stolen. ... They have a description of the guy. They say the suspect is armed and punctual. ... It's not a laughing matter. Don't kid yourselves. It's an important watch. It's the one Cheney uses to hypnotize him" --David Letterman
"Here's some broadcasting ugliness. ... Dan Rather, who used to host the 'Evening News' here at CBS, said this about Katie Couric, who is now hosting the 'CBS Evening News.' Dan Rather said ... she is tarting up the news. Dan followed that comment by saying, 'Bring me another whiskey sour.'" --David Letterman
"The country of Iran announced this week they're going to publish the writings and speeches of the Iranian president ... which, of course, answers the question 'What's the worst Hanukkah gift you could give someone?" --Jay Leno
"Last week when President Bush was in Albania, they named a street after him. During the street naming ceremony, Bush told the Albanians, 'I am honored to be standing here on Lame Duck Boulevard'" --Conan O'Brien
"President Bush made a stop in Albania on Sunday. Unlike just about every other place he's ever been, they really like him there. They love him. They mobbed the president, and he ate it up. The only problem is that they may have also stolen his watch. ... Today the White House said the president's watch was not stolen. They said he took it off before he started shaking hands, which means there are two possibilities. Either ... Albanians stole the president's watch, or the president took off his watch because he doesn't trust Albanians. Neither scenario paints a particularly rosy picture of Albanian-American relations." --Jimmy Kimmel
"President Bush is back from his European tour. He became the first president ever to visit Albania. He got a hero's welcome. Although there was one awkward moment, when he told the crowd, 'I love the Albino people.'" --Jay Leno
"People were lining the streets, waiting to cheer President Bush. ... In this country he has a 28% approval rating, but in Albania, he's a God. It's like that whole David Hasselhoff's a star in Germany. ... He was so popular over there Albania actually named a street after President Bush. It's a dead end street, but it's the thought that counts." --Jay Leno
"The mayor of Los Angeles, Antonio Villaraigosa, has announced he is separating from his wife. As former Mayor Rudolph Giuliani calls that, 'The first step to the White House.'" --Jay Leno
"Fred Thompson's on the show tonight. After leaving the Senate, Fred was a regular for years on 'Law & Order.' That's typical Hollywood typecasting. He's a Republican ... so Hollywood automatically puts him on 'Law & Order.' See, if he was a Democrat, he would have been the young stud pool boy on 'Desperate Housewives.'" --Jay Leno
"According to the L.A. Times ... Fred Thompson closing in on Giuliani in the polls. He's second. He's popular with what they call the Republican base. He's considered a straight shooter. Don't confuse that with Dick Cheney, who is a shooter who can't shoot straight." --Jay Leno
"According to a new poll out today, Hillary Clinton's lead in the polls is due to her support by women. ... See, she's attracting the woman vote and Bill is attracting the other woman vote." --Jay Leno
"Vice President Dick Cheney is going into surgery. He's having a new pacemaker installed. ... Doctors are confident that Cheney will be up and sneering in no time." --David Letterman
"George Bush was touring through Albania and he's shaking hands with people and someone steals his wrist watch. ... The Secret Service jumped right on it and they turned in a description of the watch. Mickey's gloves are white. His pants are red. His buttons are yellow. It's all part of George Bush's 'No Pickpocket Left Behind' program." --David Letterman
"This week in the country of Albania, President George Bush was mobbed by adoring, cheering crowds. Bush was overheard saying, 'I wonder who they're mixing me up with.'" --Conan O'Brien
"He's back in Washington now. ... Earlier today, President Bush gave a speech at a Republican luncheon where he pushed his immigration bill. Reportedly, the Republicans in attendance didn't care for the speech, but the guys in the kitchen loved it." --Conan O'Brien
"CBS News reports that the Pentagon once considered building a bomb filled with hormones that would turn enemy soldiers gay. ... Experts say the gay bomb would have meant battlefield victories for the U.S. and higher ratings for the Tony Awards" --Conan O'Brien
"This weekend, President Bush visited Albania and everywhere his motorcade drove, he was greeted with cheers and applause. The Albanians were really excited, and kept saying, 'Look, a car!'" --Conan O'Brien
"Yesterday, President Bush talked about his immigration bill and said, 'The political process is two steps forward, one step back.' Then Bush said, 'It's just like the Hokey Pokey.' Then he did it for 40 minutes." --Conan O'Brien
"I have good news to report. Americans were greeted this week as liberators! The bad news? The country was Albania and we've never invaded." --Jon Stewart
"Sometimes it seems like Americans don't appreciate President Bush. He is currently at a 29% approval rating in this country. I assume the other 71% are undecided. We Americans sometimes forget there are people all over the world who don't even have a President Bush. When our commander-in-chief made a visit to Albania he got a hero's welcome, swarmed by mobs of adoring fans. And if you missed that footage, just click over to Fox News. I believe they're running it on a loop." --Stephen Colbert
"A lot of people have asked, 'Why the big response'? Isn't it obvious? He's a strong leader, he's spreading democracy, and in Albania, it is effectively still 2002."--Stephen Colbert
"So to the Albanians, the president has just recently launched a highly popular war in Afghanistan. There's no Iraq, no congressional page sex scandal, no Jack Abramoff, no wire-tapping, no secret prisons, no torture, no Valerie Plame, no Abu Ghraib, no no-bid contracts, no Hurricane Katrina, no attorney firings, no contents of Karl Rove's basement freezer. Oh. I'm sorry, I may have spoken too soon. I don't know if that one's broken yet. It's going to be big." --Stephen Colbert
"President Bush was in Rome ... and had a big gaffe at the Vatican. President Bush is in trouble for calling the Pope 'sir' instead of 'your holiness.' Hey, it could have been worse. I'm surprised he didn't call him the 'Popester'" --Jay Leno
"Joint Chiefs of Staff [Chair] Peter Pace is leaving his job. He's the one who announced that all homosexual acts are immoral, and so is adultery. No wonder he left. He attacked all the members of Congress." --Jay Leno
"Vice President Dick Cheney's former top aide, Scooter Libby, was sentenced to 30 months in prison. However, the sentence could be cut short if Vice President Cheney needs a heart transplant." --Jay Leno
"By a vote of 93-5, the Louisiana state House has voted to make it illegal for teachers to have sex with their students. Here's my question: Who are the five people who voted for it?" --Jay Leno
"Paris Hilton is behind bars, but still no word on Osama." --David Letterman
"There seemed to be tension between President Bush and Russian President Vladimir Putin ... President Bush thinks this is good. He thinks a new Cold War could help end global warming." --Jay Leno