Late-night jokes 6/8
"They say it's just a matter of time before former senator and 'Law & Order' actor Fred Thompson gets into the Republican race. Apparently, 10 rich white guys doesn't offer enough choices to the voters. They need 11 rich white guys." --Jay Leno
"So nobody saw the Republican debate? There haven't been that many white people on TV since NBC canceled 'Friends.'" --Jay Leno
"According to the Boston Herald, observers are saying that Hillary Clinton looks like she's had some work done. In fact, she has changed her appearance so much in the last year, at one of the campaign rallies, Clinton accidentally hit on her." --Jay Leno
"Leaders from the eight wealthiest countries in the world are gathering in Germany for what they call the G8 Summit. The G8 was created in 1975 to give Europeans who aren't into soccer something to riot about.... "--Jay Leno
"Scooter Libby has been sentenced to 30 months in prison ... even though he is a good friend of Vice President Dick Cheney. Hey, he got off easy. Cheney's other friends got shot in the face." --Jay Leno
"A low-level researcher at Yale University has been arrested for a scam he was running out of the Yale Law library. The guy claimed to be a lawyer and was charging illegal immigrants $5,000 a piece to get a greencard. They say this is the biggest scam pulled off at Yale since, I guess, George Bush got his diploma" --Jay Leno
Daily Show correspondent John Oliver, on lightning striking Rudy Giuliani while he was speaking about abortion at the GOP debate: "No, it was not a coincidence. That was divine endorsement. Or, in this case, God saying, 'Vote for anybody but Rudy Giuliani.' And God said onto the people of New Hampshire, 'a thrice-married New York City cross-dresser, oh, for the love of me.'"
"In New Hampshire all 10 Republican presidential candidates took part in the debate. Experts say it was like many of history's classic debates, except with eight extra people." --Conan O'Brien
"A federal judge sentenced Scooter Libby to 30 months in prison for lying. I believe prison is not the place to be when your nickname is Scooter." --Jay Leno
"A Republican presidential debate was held in New Hampshire. ... You know that you're not the party of diversity when even people in New Hampshire are saying, 'Man, those guys are white.'" --Conan O'Brien
"The third Republican presidential primary debate was held in New Hampshire. This is a very important debate ... because the election is only one year, four months, three weeks and six days away. There are 10 Republican candidates. ... There are now, I think, more Republican candidates than there are Republican voters remaining." --Jimmy Kimmel
"Scooter Libby, former aid to Vice President Cheney, was sentenced to 30 months in prison. Afterwards, Scooter said, 'I just hope I have the chance to clear my incredibly stupid name.'" --Conan O'Brien
"Lewis Scooter Libby, former chief of staff to Vice President Cheney, is going to the hoosegow for outing Valerie Plame as a CIA agent. Scooter Libby's getting a 30-month sentence and a $250,000 fine and, of course, an opportunity to discover Islam." --Jon Stewart
"He received a ludicrous 30 months in prison. 30 months? He only obstructed justice for a couple of hours." --Stephen Colbert
"Some speculate President Bush will pardon Libby right before he serves jail time, while others ... know he will." --Jon Stewart
"Louisiana Congressman William Jefferson was indicted Monday on multiple counts of corruption. Among the evidence, $90,000 in cash found hidden in frozen food boxes in Jefferson's freezer. Now, I know it sounds bad, but it was actually just some boxes of Jimmy Dean's 'money-wrapped sausage on a stick.'" --Jon Stewart
"On the downside, Jefferson faces 235 years in prison. On the upside, now we know what it takes for the federal government to pay some attention to a black man from New Orleans" --Jon Stewart
"This week, President Bush is at the big G8 Summit in Germany. Many Germans are protesting his visit. See, that's when you know things are bad ... when the Germans think you're invading too many countries." --Jay Leno
"Vice President Dick Cheney said today the surge policy is working. In fact, gas prices have surged almost $4 a minute." --Jay Leno
"In the Democratic debate the other night, the most prominent candidates got the most questions. Obama got 16, Hillary got 15, Edwards got 13. Poor Chris Dodd ... waited 41 minutes before he got a single question. And that question was, 'Uh. What's your name again?'" --Jay Leno
"During the Democratic debate, all the candidates said that if they were elected, they would get rid of the military's 'Don't Ask, Don't Tell' policy for gay soldiers. 'Don't Ask, Don't Tell' will be replaced by the new policy, 'Don't Tell Me You're Wearing Those Boots With That Gun.'" --Conan O'Brien
"Republican presidential candidate Rudy Giuliani is paying his wife $125,000 a year to help him write his speeches. She's writing his speeches for him ... and you can tell. Like last week, he gave a speech about what awful bitches the first two wives were." --Jay Leno
"How about that pipeline thing? The authorities busted up that plot. They were going blow up the pipeline to JFK. ... Here's the scary part: it turned out the guys doing this ... were called homegrown terrorists. And who says President Bush hasn't created new jobs?" --David Letterman
"President Bush in Europe for the big G8 Summit ... and his approval rating is very low. Right now, he's less popular than that tuberculosis guy." --David Letterman
"Speaking of threats to public safety, I don't know if you watched the Democratic presidential debate ... I didn't. But I assume I would have been really impressed with the way Hillary, Obama, and Edwards cemented their status as frontrunners; Gravel said somethin' batsh*t crazy; Richardson talked about New Mexico; Biden said you can't ship Richardson back to Mexico; and Kucinich called for the deployment of an all-butterfly army." --Stephen Colbert
"After serving eight years in jail, assisted suicide doctor Jack Kevorkian was on 'Larry King Live.' When Kevorkian saw Larry King, he said, 'I swear, he was like that when I got here'" --Conan O'Brien
