Sooner Be Blue

"There's no such thing as a "green" shopping mall. Developers in Chicago are building the first "environmentally sensitive" mall. Yes, nothing says "I care about the planet" quite like a vast, air-conditioned temple to disposable consumerism. Surrounded by 300 acres of concrete. "Look, honey, the Wetzel's Pretzel has organic salt!" Some things are just never going to be easy on the environment. Like a mall, a jumbo jet or the septic tank at Rush Limbaugh's house."--Bill Maher

"Stop swimming with the dolphins. You're not communing with nature. You're scaring the shit out of a fish. You get into the water with the dolphins and stroke them and kiss them and climb on top of them for a ride, and they pretend to enjoy it. Just like your wife. Besides, there's a much easier way to get up close with a dolphin: open a can of tuna."--Bill Maher

"New York City Mayor Michael Bloomberg has quit the Republican Party ... and has become an Independent. ... Bloomberg says he has no plans to be president. Now don't confuse that with President Bush, who has no plans as president." --Jay Leno

"Yesterday, big announcement. Senator Clinton picked the winning [campaign] song during this clever parody of 'The Sopranos' finale. Clever, of course, because it compares the Clintons to a notorious crime family. ... Parody? Or is that what they call in the business, 'getting ahead of the story?'" --Jon Stewart

"In other big political news, Michael Bloomberg, the popular mayor of New York City, has left the Republican Party. ... This act thoroughly decimates the elfin, effete, and Jewish wing of the Republican Party. ... But is there something more? [on screen: reports on rumors Bloomberg will run for POTUS]. ... I assume some of the media feel that the mayor's personal wealth could overcome his image as a short, Jewish, effete, Jewish, bachelor, Jewish, presidential candi-Jew." --Jon Stewart

"New York Mayor Michael Bloomberg is leaving the Republican Party and becoming an Independent, possibly to prepare for a White House run. Well nice try, Bloomberg. You can't just choose to be Independent. It's not like being gay." --Stephen Colbert

"Kind of a scandal brewing for presidential candidate Rudy Giuliani. ... Yesterday, a top aide to Rudy Giuliani was busted for possessing and distributing cocaine. When asked about it, Giuliani said, 'Cocaine? I asked him to get me Rogaine'" --Conan O'Brien

"Do you know who's being suggested as the next Commissioner of Baseball after he leaves office? President Bush. He's a big baseball fan. President Bush, Commissioner of Baseball? And you thought the games would never end now." --Jay Leno

"According to USA Today -- this is why Congress has such a low approval rating -- 72 members of Congress have given over $5 million of campaign money to relatives or companies owned by relatives. There is now a bill in Congress that would ban nepotism in politics. President Bush says he will sign it ... as soon as he runs it past his dad and brother Jeb." --Jay Leno

"As always, the big question with a new operation ... what to call it? Obviously four years into the war, we've already used Desert Storm, Iraqi Freedom, Enduring Freedom, Together Forward, Iron Hammer, Warhorse Whirlwind, Bulldog Mammoth, Panther Squeeze, Red Dawn, Rock Slide, Rifles Fury, Centaur Rodeo. By the way, not only is every one of those a real operation, but each one of them also the title of a Fred Thompson movie" --Jon Stewart

"The White House announced that this summer President Bush plans to meet with the president of Mexico. The two presidents will meet in the capital of Mexico ... Los Angeles." --Conan O'Brien

"A judge has turned down Scooter Libby's request to delay his prison term. In fact, the judge gave him an extra three months just for having the stupid name 'Scooter.'" --Jay Leno

"The Republican Party here in California has obtained a special visa to hire a Canadian to be the state deputy political director, 'cause they say they can't find a qualified American to do the job. Apparently, working for Republicans is one of those icky jobs Americans just don't want to do." --Jay Leno

"The Pentagon is admitting it did experiment with a gay bomb. They say it's no big deal. They were experimenting for the weekend. The wives were out of town. They were just curious. I was told alcohol might have been involved." --Jay Leno

"Republican presidential candidate Sam Brownback kicked off a 1,200-mile campaign trip through Iowa. Brownback said, 'I'm not gonna stop until I find someone who knows who the hell I am.'" --Conan O'Brien

"Democratic presidential candidate Dennis Kucinich is heading an 'Impeach Dick Cheney' movement. First of all, how many heart attacks has Cheney had? Five? Six? Want to get rid of this guy? Buy him a cheeseburger." --Jay Leno

 

"Cheney had an operation on his heart this week. Talk about microsurgery." --Jay Leno

 

"All of the candidates have released their financial statements. Turns out Bill Clinton made $10 million from speaking engagements last year. See that sounds glamorous, but imagine all those nights in a hotel room, Hillary half-way across the country, him sitting there by himself all lonely." --Jay Leno

"Iran's parliament has voted in favor of a bill that would give the death penalty to people convicted of making pornography. Under Iran's penal code, that's one of the worst criminal offensives they have. To give you an idea of how strict it is, you get 20 years just for saying the phrase 'penal code.'" --Jay Leno

"Dan Rather came out swinging this week. He said that CBS and Katie Couric are tarting up the news. Tarting up the news? As opposed to Dan, who just made up the news" --Jay Leno

"I have the latest on the presidential campaign. Hillary Clinton has launched a new website where people can get all the latest Hillary news. In a related story, John Edwards has launched a new website where people can order his secret blend of shampoos and conditioners." --Conan O'Brien

"Some Albanian stole George Bush's wristwatch. I was going through the files and I believe he is the first president to be robbed since ... well, Al Gore" --David Letterman

"The Pentagon has admitted they once tried to develop a gay bomb -- a bomb that would turn enemy soldiers gay. They said their goal was to turn the Iraq war into a musical. ... Gay bomb? Talk about a troop surge. ... I believe the main ingredients in the gay bomb are an agent orange with a chartreuse accent." --Jay Leno

"Scooter Libby is going to jail unless President Bush acts quickly. And the city of New Orleans says, 'Good luck with Bush acting quickly'" --Jay Leno

"One of the key battlegrounds in our gay culture war is actually key battlegrounds. I'm talking about gays in the military. The 'Don't Ask, Don't Tell' policy has thrown our armed forces into chaos in the middle of a war on terror. ... We cannot waiver on this issues, folks, and thank God none of the Republicans did in their recent presidential debate [on screen: none of the GOP WH '08ers raising their hand when asked if gays and lesbians should be allowed to serve openly in the military]. I say their silence speaks volumes. Plus, they kind of had to keep it down because Mary Cheney's baby was sleeping in the next room" --Stephen Colbert

"California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger told a Latino group if immigrants want to learn English, they should not read foreign-language newspapers. The Latino group told Arnold, 'How about you tell us how you learned English, and we'll do the opposite.'" --Conan O'Brien

"Republican presidential candidates Sam Brownback and Tom Tancredo both promised if they are elected president, they will pardon Scooter Libby. So, sorry Scooter, you are going to jail." --Conan O'Brien