Sooner Be Blue

"This week they had the annual congressional baseball game. The House Republicans beat the House Democrats 5-2. Typical of both parties -- the Republicans kept stealing, and then after the game, the Democrats demanded a recount." --Jay Leno

 

"According to a new Gallup poll, the new Democratically-controlled Congress has the lowest approval rating in the history of Gallup poll-taking. Only 14% of Americans have confidence in Congress. 14%! Even HMOs are at 15%. At least with the HMO, they put a rubber glove on first." --Jay Leno

 

"The government of Iraq is under a lot of pressure from President Bush to find a fair way to share their huge oil profits. You know, like we do here in this country." --Jay Leno

 

"Elizabeth Edwards called Ann Coulter on Chris Matthews' 'Hardball' yesterday to complain about the attacks on her husband. See, it's a good thing Coulter hadn't attacked Rudy Giuliani, or she would have had three angry wives calling" --Jay Leno

 

"Ralph Nader talking about running for president again. He's been accused of being a spoiler. You know what that is? A spoiler is a politician who ruins the chances of another candidate. For example, Al Gore's spoiler was Ralph Nader. George Bush Sr.'s spoiler was H. Ross Perot. John Kerry's spoiler was John Kerry." --Jay Leno

 

"Earlier this week President Bush took part in the taping of the Ford's Theatre gala that will air this December on ABC. It's a Christmas show and they tape it in June. It's always awkward taping six months in advance. For example, right now President Bush is still without a clear cut strategy for Iraq. But come December ... no, I guess we'll be okay." --Jay Leno

 

"A new poll says that 40% of Americans still believe that Iraq was responsible for 9/11. Unfortunately, two of those people -- Cheney and Bush " --Jay Leno

 

"In a 5-4 decision the court found against the student's speech rights, as the court felt that 'Bong Hits 4 Jesus' constituted an implied pro-drug message. Said the student whose actions five years ago started the whole case quote, 'I did what, now?'" --Jon Stewart

 

"Tony Blair meets with the Pope, hopefully he'll get the Swiss Guard deployed to Iraq. Plus, the administration considers closing Gitmo, I assume because it's cheaper to store our prisoners in India." --Stephen Colbert

 

"Over the weekend, the president kick-started the Holiday Season by pre-taping his appearance for ABC's Christmas Galleria. ... I believe the Constitution declares him the Christian in Chief. So to everyone who criticizes the president for not firing Alberto Gonzales, give him a break, you can't fire a guy at Christmas." --Stephen Colbert

 

"You remember Dick Cheney, he's the vice president of the United States. He shot an old man in the face and didn't tell anybody. Eventually, the news got out. Turned out the old man was fine. It was a hilarious story, and the old man ended up doing the right thing [on screen: atty Harry Whittington apologizing to Cheney's family for the amount of media coverage]. At the time we all thought, 'My God, how do you shoot an old man in the face ... and get him to apologize? Ohh, Cheney. He must be evil. What's he hiding? What are his secrets?' Well, as it turns out, what he was hiding is everything." --Jon Stewart

 

John Oliver, on Cheney claiming the systems of checks and balances do not apply to him: "He is correct. For Dick Cheney exists neither in the executive branch nor the legislative, yet simultaneously in both. He is neither man nor beast, yet has elements of the twain. He is at once everything and nothing, substance without form, shape without motion, time without reason. He is the highlander."

 

"The New York Times says Ralph Nader is thinking of running for president again. We couldn't be more excited. ... Nader says he rejects the term spoiler. It's a lot better than loser." --Jay Leno

 

"CNN has video from the Middle East of a suicide bomber graduation ceremony. 300 suicide bombers graduated. You thought you hated it when your kid moved back home after graduation." --Jay Leno

 

"The CIA has released some documents that detail illegal and scandalous activities they were involved in more than 30 years ago. The activities include wiretapping of phones, warrantless searches and opening citizens' mail. Thank God that kind of thing can't happen today." --Jay Leno

 

"Hillary Clinton has chosen the Celine Dion song 'You and I' as her campaign theme. I understand Bill was leaning towards 'My Humps.'" --Jay Leno

 

"For his campaign, John Edwards has chosen a theme song from 'Hair.' ... And Giuliani chose 'All My Exes Live In Texas.'" --Jay Leno

 

"Congress now has a 14% approval rating, the lowest in the history of poll taking. You know what that means? George Bush is now the popular guy." --Jay Leno

 

"President Bush is hosting a visit by the president of Vietnam. He didn't want to go, but his father couldn't get him out of this one." --Jay Leno

 

"Hillary Clinton has a new campaign ad that spoofs 'The Sopranos' finale. In the ad, she orders carrot sticks at a diner, then switches the jukebox to a Celine Dion song. Hillary's calling the ad a lot of fun, and Bill is calling it a chilling window into his personal hell." --Conan O'Brien

 

"It was announced this week that Hillary Clinton has finally picked a theme song for her campaign. Now if she could just pick a position on Iraq." --Jay Leno

 

"Hillary Clinton has picked 'You and I' by Celine Dion as her campaign theme song. In a related story, John McCain's campaign song also by Celine Dion. It's the theme from 'Titantic.'" --Jay Leno