Late-night jokes 7/8
Note: I get so many 'hits' on the late-night joke recaps that I know you enjoy them .. but the late-night shows have been in re-runs, so pickin's are slim lately.
"Earlier this morning in London, police defused a potentially massive car bomb parked in front of famed Piccadilly Circus. President Bush got a little confused. He called the new prime minister and made sure all the animals and clowns were safe." --Jay Leno
"Authorities said the terrorist planned to detonate the bomb with his cell phone. Luckily, the guy had Cingular so he couldn't get a signal." --Jay Leno
"President Bush's immigration bill failed to pass. To be fair, this is not the first time in his life George Bush has heard the term 'failed to pass.'" --Jay Leno
"It was voted down by the Senate. You know, I wondered why the help at Wal-Mart seemed so testy today. ... In fact, some illegal immigrants are so angry, they are threatening to leave the country." --Jay Leno
"The Senate switchboard completely shut down after they got over 10,000 calls protesting the immigration bill. 10,000 calls ... all from Lou Dobbs." --Jay Leno
"The other day at the Mexican/U.S. border, three illegal aliens were discovered under the hood of a Ford pick-up truck, crouched around the engine. When President Bush heard about it, he said, 'No, that was wrong. We don't call them engines anymore. They're now Native Americans.'" --Jay Leno
"President Bush is hosting Russian President Vladimir Putin at the Bush family compound in Maine this week. They're going fishing and boating. The press is calling it the 'Lobster Summit.' Now, don't confuse that with Paris Hilton's upcoming weekend in Maui. That's called 'Crabfest.'" --Jay Leno
"Experts say the price of milk could rise to as much as $4 a gallon. $4 a gallon for milk? I didn't know Dick Cheney was involved with the dairy industry" --Jay Leno
"Another presidential debate last night. One of 90 scheduled before the election in November next year. Democrats gathered at Howard University in Washington, DC. Joe Biden talked about AIDS in the black community. He's against it and he had some interesting things to say [on screen: Biden saying he and Barack Obama have been tested for AIDS]. It looks like Joe Biden has the African American vote wrapped up" --Jimmy Kimmel
"In an interview with the Christian Broadcasting Network, presidential candidate Rudy Giuliani said his dreams of becoming a priest ended when he realized he couldn't give up having sex. Ironically, that's also what ended his first and second marriages." --Jay Leno
"Donald Rumsfeld writing a book about the war in Iraq. To give you an idea of how accurate this book is, it never ends. It's 80,000 pages." --Jay Leno
"Big day in England. Former Treasury chief Gordon Brown is now the new prime minister of Britain. President Bush was thrilled. In fact, he called and said, 'Brownie, you're doing a heckuva job.'" --Jay Leno
"Last night, Republicans and Democrats in the House voted themselves a $4,400 pay raise. Well, why not? A job well done. What are they at -- a 14% approval rating?" --Jay Leno
"The Senate voted down the immigration bill. When he heard about it, a disappointed President Bush said, 'No way, Jose!'" --Jay Leno
"Yesterday on CNN, Los Angeles Mayor Antonio Villaraigosa accidentally called Hillary Clinton Senator Kennedy. See, that's when you know you need to lose a few pounds before bikini season" --Jay Leno
"The price of milk is going up. Some experts say it could hit $4 a gallon. In fact, President Bush said today if the price of milk continues to rise, we may have to invade Wisconsin." --Jay Leno
"How many folks saw Paris Hilton last night on the 'Larry King Live' program? ... The interview went pretty well. Larry only flatlined once. ... I think Larry's getting old. He kept calling her Charo. ... Paris said she hated prison. There's some insight. She said she had to eat mystery meat. I think I've actually seen video of her doing that" --David Letterman
