Late-night jokes 7/14
"What is it with Republicans and weird sex? If it's not young boys, it's diapers, some other strange fetish. Why can't they just have sex under a desk with an intern like a normal person." --Jay Leno
"The darling of the religious right, conservative Senator David Vitter of Louisiana, has not only admitted to having sex with prostitutes, he would pay them $300 to make him wear diapers. And today that crazy astronaut called him 'my dream guy! He's got my vote.'" --Jay Leno
"Today, Vitter put out a statement saying he only started to cheat on his wife after he started to hang out with the wrong crowd, you know -- Giuliani, Newt Gingrich, the mayor of L.A." --Jay Leno
"And listen to this, here's another bizarre one. A member of the Florida House of Representatives and the co-chairman of John McCain's Florida campaign, a man named Bob Allen, arrested for soliciting an undercover male police officer for sex. He offered to perform a sex act on the officer for $20. How broke is the McCain campaign? I knew they needed money, I had no idea. Man, that's not a good sign when you're sending guys to the men's room to raise money." --Jay Leno
"The senator from Louisiana, David Vitter, he's admitted now he dates hookers in Washington, D.C, and also in Louisiana. But, he said, in his defense, he always selected the girl with the lowest bid. So he's fiscally prudent." --David Letterman
"But good for Vitter, he said that it did not cost the taxpayers a cent. He pays for the hookers with his bribe money." --David Letterman
"President Bush was talking about Iraq today and he said that the United States and Iraq has met eight out of 18 of the benchmarks ... required in Iraq. If things don't improve, people are going to think the war isn't going well." --David Letterman
"This week, former New York City mayor Rudy Giuliani said he is opposed to medical marijuana. However, Giuliani did said he is a huge supporter of medical Rogaine." --Conan O'Brien
"This is odd, a politician in California wants to put an eight percent tax on all porn movies and X-rated entertainment. The politician says it could raise $100 million a year, and that's just from Charlie Sheen" --Conan O'Brien
"Well now more problems with this Vitter guy. You gotta go on his website, he's like Mr. Religious, Mr. Family Values. Well now a second madam has come forward and told the Associated Press that he was also a customer at her brothel. This guy was cheating on his hooker with another hooker." --Jay Leno
"And this madam says that Vitter was not only having sex with the prostitutes -- this is unbelievable -- he would also pay them to dress him up in a diaper. See, that's what you call a pampered politician. And she also said today in an interview that he sometimes paid $300 an hour just to have the hookers talk to him because his wife didn't listen to him. Well, I bet she's all ears now." --Jay Leno
"Homeland Security Chief Michael Chertoff said today that he had a gut feeling that there would be another terrorist attack this summer. ... Now is that reliable? How do we know it's not just bad clams? It's like, 'False alarm. It was Long John Silver, we're gonna be fine.'" --Jay Leno
"And Colin Powell said this week he once spent two and a half hours trying to talk President Bush out of going to war in Iraq. Well actually, the first hour and a half were spent trying to get Bush to put down the Gameboy." --Jay Leno
"Because of the war in Iraq, President Bush's popularity now plunged to 2% BC. You know what that means 'BC'? Below Carter. It doesn't get any worse than that. In fact, Bush's only supporters now are Laura and one of the twins." --Jay Leno
"Officials in Iran have announced that a man convicted of adultery there has been stoned to death. ... Imagine if they did that in Washington, they'd be out of stones like the first week." --Jay Leno
"A new poll finds that Dick Cheney has a 59% disapproval rating, which makes him the least popular vice president in history. Even worse, the only people polled were Cheney's wife and kids." --Conan O'Brien
"The pope announced that the Catholic Church provides the only true path to salvation and that other Christian groups are either defective or not true churches. Yeah, the pope finished by saying that 'God loves everyone, but he loves me more.'" --Conan O'Brien
"John Edwards is on the campaign trail. He's now doing something called his 'Poverty Tour', where he's visiting people who have no money and no hope. In fact, his first stop today: John McCain's headquarters." --Jay Leno
"More news coming out about the big Live Earth concert, apparently Michael Jackson was supposed to perform, but didn't due to a misunderstanding. Apparently he wound up on the wrong planet, yeah I don't know what happened there. I think he was on Uranus." --Jay Leno
"They have prostitutes in Washington D.C., and it now turns out that senators and congressmen and important, powerful people are dating the prostitutes. ... And there's a senator from Louisiana, David Vitter, admitted he's been dating prostitutes. And he was very generous with one girl, he paid her with a new highway project in her home state. ... One thing I'll say for this guy from Louisiana, this David Vitter, at least he went to a professional and left the congressional pages alone." --David Letterman
"Washington, D.C.: It's so hot there, a chunk of ice fell off Dick Cheney. So hot, Scooter Libby wishes he was in the cooler. ... So hot today, President Bush pardoned Al Roker. So hot, Al Gore's son was doing 100 mph in a Mr. Softee truck." --David Letterman
"Did you hear about this? Al Gore's son was arrested speeding doing 100mph. Al's already made a movie about it called 'An Inconvenient Son'" --David Letterman
"It was so hot, the mayor of Los Angeles found out what his mistress would do for a Klondike Bar. ... That's the big story in Los Angeles. It seems our mayor is getting a divorce and is dating a local TV news anchor. To which Rudy Giuliani said, 'Hey, when I was mayor that was a slow week.'" --Jay Leno
"You know, this President Bush had commuted Scooter Libby because he felt that 30 months in jail for four felonies was way too harsh, so he reduced it a little back to nothing, zero. See, that's called the rich white guy reduction. See, that's 'cause his name's Scooter. There's not a lot of guys named Jamal gettin' that deal. Nah, Jamal is doin' 30 months for jaywalking." --Jay Leno
"Some sad news. Al Gore's son, Al Gore III, arrested in Laguna Niguel, California. Police found marijuana in his car. Police searched the car after pulling him over for going 100mph in his Prius. When his dad found out he said, 'Whew, thank God it was a Prius. That could've been so embarrassing'" --Jay Leno
