Late-night jokes 7/20
"The U.S. Senate held an all-night session, trying to get the votes needed to begin troop withdrawal from Iraq. They lost. They stayed in the Senate chamber all night long, with some of them sleeping on cots. In fact, Hillary stayed up so late, she actually saw Bill sneaking in." --Jay Leno
"Things got a little testy at about four o'clock in the morning when a fight broke out between Senator David Vitter and 89-year-old Senator Robert Byrd over the last diaper." --Jay Leno
"A report card on Iraq shows progress on only eight of 18 areas. Eight out of 18. And, of course, President Bush is thrilled. That's the best report card he's ever got in his life." --Jay Leno
"Louisiana Senator David Vitter held a press conference this week, where he admitted yes, he was a client of the DC madam, but he said those stories of hookers dressing him in diapers were not true. Boy, what do you do there? Are you supposed to take the word of a politician over a hooker? It's a tough decision for people." --Jay Leno
"Vitter's wife was by his side when he made the announcement. She called the senator her 'best friend.' Unfortunately, his best friend is someone named Thumper." --Jay Leno
"Down in Washington, DC, they had the all-night Senate session. The senators were there all night. It was the DC madam's slowest night ever." --David Letterman
"The Republicans were saying, 'Pulling out the troops in 120 days would lead to chaos in Iraq.' And I'm thinking, 'Well hell, chaos would be an improvement.'" --David Letterman
"So why did this all-night session happen? Because while Democrats have a majority in the Senate, they don't have the 60-vote supermajority needed to bring bills like this to a vote, thus forcing the Democrats to stay up all night to prevent the Republicans from staging an all-night, vote-blocking filibuster. You can see why we're fighting so hard to export this type of government to Iraq" --Jon Stewart
"The Senate held an all-night session, and Senator Hillary Clinton gave a speech at four in the morning. Apparently, it was the first time Hillary gave a speech at four in the morning that didn't start with, 'Where the hell have you been?'" --Conan O'Brien
"This week, President Bush announced he's launching a new campaign to solve the conflict between the Israelis and the Palestinians. When asked why, Bush said, 'It's fun to finally be working on a problem that I didn't cause.'" --Conan O'Brien
"Congress is working all night to try and solve the problem in Iraq. And I was thinking, 'Gee, maybe they should have done that before we went in.'" --David Letterman
"That's right, Congress is working all night. At least Senator Vitter's wife will know where he is." --David Letterman
"He appeared at the press conference with his wife. Did you see the look on her face? I haven't seen a woman that happy since New Jersey Governor Jim McGreevey gave his famous 'I'm a gay American' speech." --Jay Leno
"In other political news, John McCain's communications director has quit. McCain did not have an immediate comment ... because his communications director quit." --Jay Leno
"Things not looking good for President Bush. His approval rating has dropped so low the only thing he's above now is the law." --Jay Leno
"The Los Angeles Catholic Archdiocese has paid $660 million to settle these sexual abuse claims. Plus, they also have to release all the priests' confidential, personal files. I think those are called pedo-philes." --Jay Leno
"According to a new AP poll, the most popular presidential candidate among registered Republicans is 'none of the above.' At the moment, Rudy Giuliani is running third, just behind 'Good Lord, not him.'" --Conan O'Brien
"Louisiana Senator David Vitter came to prominence in the '90s demanding President Clinton's impeachment for the Monica Lewinsky affair. Well, it seems the condom is on the other foot. Last week, Vitter became the highest profile John implicated in the DC madam scandal. ... It kinda reminds me of the old saying, 'The only thing I trust less than a Louisiana senator sleeping with a hooker, is one that isn't.'" --Jon Stewart
"As we speak Republican senators are being forced to stay up all night debating yet another Democratic proposal on a timetable for withdrawal from Iraq. Still, this is an opportunity for Republicans to stand up for what they believe in -- keeping us in Iraq no matter what. So, at this late hour, heroes like Trent Lott and John McCain are in the Senate trenches, kept in the line of political fire much longer than any of them signed on for. Democrats, bring these boys home." --Stephen Colbert
"It was so hot, Mayor Villaraigosa had an affair with Ann Coulter just to cool off. ... What does the mayor of Los Angeles have in common with President Bush? Apparently, neither of them have any plans to pull out soon. " --Jay Leno
"The latest sex scandal concerns Florida Republican state Representative Bob Allen, who was arrested ... for offering to perform a sex act on an undercover police officer in exchange for $20. $20? Finally, a politician who's not afraid to put his money where his mouth is." --Jay Leno
"Osama bin Laden has released another new video. See, that shows how dumb this guy is. He releases it the same week as 'Harry Potter.' ... On this latest tape, bin Laden says, 'a happy man is one who dies for his religion.' Do you ever notice the one who is giving the advice is never the one blowing himself up?" --Jay Leno
"Sports Illustrated says that Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice is like a 'golf nut' now. She plays golf all the time. She went golfing with Cheney. Condoleezza shot an 83 and Cheney shot two attorneys and an accountant." --Jay Leno
"The L.A. Catholic archdiocese has agreed to pay a $660 million settlement in a sexual lawsuit against Catholic priests. ... $660 million? Yet, nobody goes to jail and they just get to write a check. Who do these priests think they are -- Scooter Libby?" --Jay Leno
"Congratulations to former Vice President Al Gore. His youngest daughter Sarah got married over the weekend. Very happy for them, although Al couldn't enjoy the reception. He was so obsessed with how fast the ice sculpture was melting" --Jay Leno
"The U.S. government is now offering $50 million for the capture of Osama bin Laden. $50 million for the capture of Osama bin Laden. Are you like me, thinking, 'Wow, do we really have that much left?'--David Letterman
"Louisiana Senator David Vitter has admitted he was a client of the DC madam. She made public a list of all her clients' phone numbers. Here's my question: If you're so stupid to go to a prostitute and give her your real name and your Senate office phone number, how did you get elected in the first place?" --Jay Leno
"The DC madam said he sometimes paid $300 an hour just to have the hookers talk to him ... and they didn't have sex. Another example of government waste." --Jay Leno
"Here's just the creepiest part of the story: there are now reports that the senator paid prostitutes to dress him up in a diaper. He's not denying these allegations. He did poo-poo them though." --Jay Leno
"It seems that a member of the Florida House of Representatives and the co-chairman of John McCain's Florida campaign, a man named Bob Allen, has just been arrested for soliciting an undercover male police officer for sex. He offered to perform a sex act on the police officer for $20. Remember the good old days during a campaign, when you only had to kiss babies?" --Jay Leno
"According to the current issue of Sports Illustrated, Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice has become a 'golf nut.' She's pretty good, too. The only sand trap she can't get out of? Iraq." --Jay Leno
"Former President Clinton about to publish a new book called 'Giving.' ... Really? Shouldn't 'Getting' be the name of the book?" --Jay Leno
"The President's approval rating just keeps getting lower and lower. Right now, he's somewhere between former President Richard Nixon and the hunter who shot Bambi. And by tomorrow, he's expected to rank somewhere between John Mark Karr and Chinese toothpaste." --Jimmy Kimmel
