Sooner Be Blue

 

"Barry Bonds hit his 756th home run and broke Hank Aaron's record. ... President Bush called to congratulate him the next day  ... because 'I realized I had a rare opportunity to talk to the only guy in the country who's less popular than I am.'" --Conan O'Brien

 

"Hillary Clinton says she's going to reach out to health care employees by working a shift as a nurse at a hospital. When he heard about this, Bill Clinton was upset and said, 'Great. This will ruin the plot of my favorite porn movie.'" --Conan O'Brien

 

"Rudy Giuliani and Mitt Romney said they will not participate in the Republican debate next month in Florida. John McCain said he will be there ... if he can get a ride." --Jay Leno

 

"Elizabeth Edwards is speaking out again. [She's] a little upset. She said the problem with her husband John Edwards' fundraising -- you know, compared to the other candidates -- is she can't make him black and she can't make him a woman. That's the same problem Michael Jackson's people have." --Jay Leno

 

"Supreme Court Justice John Roberts is back on the bench, even though he is prone to seizures. ... When President Bush heard this, he said, 'That's great 'cause I'm prone to illegal searches'" --Jay Leno

 

"Mitt Romney -- the only candidate named after a glove, one of the leading Republicans, he's called the war on terror the defining mission of our generation -- was asked in Iowa why none of his five draft-age or army eligible sons are serving in the military. He said -- and this is a quote, people -- 'One of the ways my sons are showing support for the nation is helping me get elected, 'cause they think I'd make a great president.' When I read that, I was moved ... and I'll tell you why. To know that the Romney boys love America so much and the whole family that they're willing to give up all five of their boys for the Romney campaign. Who knows what kind of post-traumatic care these boys will need after the election?" --Jon Stewart

 

"A lot of people were wondering whether President Bush would acknowledge Bond's record. He did. In fact, he told Neil Cavuto on Fox News today that he spoke to Barry Bonds on the phone. ... See that. He does care about black people after all. ... He probably just wanted to take the rare opportunity to talk to someone whose approval rating is lower than his is." --Jimmy Kimmel

 

"Although it's warm here, it is really hot back East. ... In fact, in Washington, DC, it is so hot that President Bush wasn't just reading other people's mail, he was actually fanning himself with it." --Jay Leno

 

"President Bush signed a law last Sunday that broadly expands the government's authority to eavesdrop on our telephone calls and e-mails without a warrant. So, our phone calls are being watched. Our e-mails are being watched. The only thing not being watched? NBC." --Jay Leno

 

Earlier this week at a campaign event in Utah, hundreds of people showed up to hear a speech by Barack Obama. After Obama's speech, the Utah crowd said, 'That was great. Now let us know if an Asian guy ever comes to town.'" --Conan O'Brien

 

"Last Sunday, all nine Republican candidates skipped church to take part in a forum on ABC's 'This Week.' Stephanopoulos asked, 'What is a defining mistake of your life and why?' ... Rudy Giuliani said, "Here's a hint. It starts with annulling my first marriage to my second cousin and it ends with my kids from my second marriage supporting Barack Obama because they hate my third wife." --Jon Stewart

 

"Congratulations to Matt Damon. His movie, 'The Bourne Ultimatum,' had the biggest movie opening ever for the month of August. It made $70 million. Today, Senator John McCain asked Matt Damon to be his running mate." --Jay Leno

 

"If you haven't seen the movie, it's about a guy who works for the government who can't remember his past. I think the original title was 'The Alberto Gonzales Story.'" --Jay Leno

 

"At Camp David, President Bush signed a bill into law that expands his wiretapping powers. President Bush said he knew the bill would pass because he had bugs planted in both houses of Congress." --Jay Leno

 

"President Bush met with the president of Afghanistan, who was wearing that hat and the robe. ... President Bush was a little confused. He thought he was meeting the professor from the Hogwarts school." --Jay Leno

 

"The presidential race heating up slowly over the last nine years. ... Potential Republican candidate -- he hasn't declared yet, but a lot of people think he's going to run -- Fred Thompson is now busy defending his much younger wife. In a recent interview, Senator Fred Thompson said that all criticism of his wife should be directed at him. As a result, conservative groups told Thompson he's been showing too much cleavage." --Conan O'Brien

 

"Starting today, the New York Times reduced the size of their newspaper. They cut the paper's width by an inch and a half. The move was announced with the headline 'Big Changes At New York Tim.'" --Conan O'Brien

 

"Archaeologists in Hungary say they have discovered a forest of trees that's 8 million years old. The archaeologists say that they haven't seen wood that old since the last time Larry King watched porn." --Conan O'Brien

 

"Here's a remarkable story of recovery. ... Seems a brain-injured man who had been in a coma for the last six years is now awake -- eating and speaking with his family. In fact, you know what you call a man who has been in a coma for the last six years? Mr. President." --Jay Leno

 

"The Statue of Liberty's crown may reopen. It's been really odd. Most of her body has been closed to the public. No, wait. That's Condoleezza Rice" --David Letterman

 

"According to store owners in Iraq, Iraqi consumers are now developing a taste for American products like Pringles, Fruit Loops and Kraft macaroni and cheese. In a related story, Iraqis are also developing huge asses" --Conan O'Brien

 

"The big story in Washington D.C. . . . not the war in Iraq, not Alberto Gonzales lying to Congress, not healthcare . . . the big story everyone is talking about, Hillary Clinton showing a little cleavage. It's amazing isn't it? The United States is 231 years old, but apparently the media is only 13." --Jay Leno

 

"Democratic presidential candidate Barack Obama said today that he would not use nuclear weapons under any circumstances. I didn't realize his battle with Hillary had escalated to this level. I just thought there was a little friction.' --Jay Leno

 

"Madame Tussauds' new wax museum in Washington D.C. is going to feature a "scandal room," featuring wax likenesses of elected officials involved in sex, alcohol, or ethics scandals. Why would you go there, when you can just walk five blocks to the Capitol building and see the real thing?" --Jay Leno

 

"Latest on the campaign: It was reported that things are going so badly for Sen John McCain, McCain has to carry his own luggage. Meanwhile, things are going so badly for Dennis Kucinich's campaign, he has to carry Barack Obama's luggage." --Conan O'Brien

 

"According to a new survey, 58% of people who follow the news think Attorney General Alberto Gonzales should resign. Here's the frightening statistic: 72% of Americans who do not follow the news think Alberto Gonzales is the guy who is married to Kelly Ripa." --Jay Leno

 

"According to the Washington Post, Hillary Clinton has been showing a little cleavage out there on the campaign trail. People feel this is why her lead over Barack Obama has increased. ... But I think there's something to it. In fact, today, Barack Obama made a speech with a rolled up sock in his pants." --Jay Leno

 

"The White House is now demanding Congress move quickly on a new treaty to allow more Arctic oil drilling, 'cause they say the melting polar ice caps means more oil is easily available. See, this combines the two things the administration loves -- global warming and drilling for oil." --Jay Leno

 

"The Bush administration is now looking into the possibility of pumping Iraq's oil into Israel. Well, that should calm things down over there. Finally a common sense solution!" --Jay Leno

 

"There's a new sex poll. ... According to researchers, there are 237 reasons why people have sex. ... For me, number two would be my credit card went through. A little farther down on the list, I happen to be in an elevator with Paris Hilton. ... Reason 237: something to do while my wife is running for president" --David Letterman