Sooner Be Blue

 

"The results of President's Bush's annual physical were released. It revealed that last year President Bush got a rash from a tick bite. After hearing this, Bill Clinton said, "A rash from a tick bite? I'll have to remember that one." --Jay Leno

 

"In a recent interview, President Bush's father said he gets upset when people tell him his son is doing a bad job. Bush's dad went on to say, 'You'd think after 60 years I'd be used to it.'" --Jay Leno

 

"Karl Rove resigned. Big blow to the White House. Rumsfeld's gone, Wolfowitz, Harriet Miers, Dan Bartlett -- all gone. Cheney -- never much help during the summer. That's his egg-laying season." --Jon Stewart

 

"It was this week in 1974 that Richard Nixon resigned the presidency after getting caught lying and violating the Constitution. Remember when that kind of thing used to get you kicked out of office?" --Jay Leno

 

"A gay rights group sponsored a debate among the Democratic presidential candidates to discuss gay issues. Dennis Kucinich might be getting a little desperate - he showed up wearing all leather." --Jay Leno

 

"Last week was a busy, busy week for both major parties. Starting with the Democrats, who met for a candidates forum on Logo, the gay-oriented cable channel that is not Lifetime or Bravo. ... It was generally a friendly event, except for one William Richardson [on screen: Richardson saying homosexuality is a choice, when asked if homosexuality is a choice or it is biological]. ... Richardson then swung into damage control mode, explaining the next day he didn't understand the question because of jet lag. Yes, apparently, the governor had just flown in from the 1950s." --Jon Stewart

 

"The brand new president of the Young Republican National Federation, 33-year-old Glenn Murphy, has resigned after one month in office, after police say he is being investigated for performing an unwanted sex act on a sleeping man. Murphy defended himself by saying the act was consensual and he may have had just too much to drink at the time. Well, what guy hasn't done that after a couple of beers? ... See, there you go. The Democrats may talk a good game at the gay rights forum, but the Republicans are actually out there doing gay things." --Jay Leno

 

"The Iowa straw poll, a quadrennial ritual for Republican candidates, was held Saturday in Ames, Iowa. And the big winner of this unofficial, preseason survey of the Iowa electorate? Former Massachusetts Governor/part-time J.C. Penny catalogue underwear model Mitt Romney with over 30% of the vote." --Jon Stewart

 

"For those of you who still care, what exactly is the Iowa straw poll? [on screen: a political science prof. explaining that GOP candidates tend to pay the $35 ticket fee for voters in hopes they will come out and support them]. So, it's an election with no Democrats, in one of the whitest states in the union, where rich candidates pay $35 for your vote. Or, as the Republicans call it, 'Our vision for the future.'" --Jon Stewart

 

"President Bush had his annual physical. And next week, Vice President Dick Cheney will have his annual autopsy. ... The White House revealed that last year President Bush was treated for lyme disease. This disease is spread by ticks that burrow under your skin. You don't even know they're there. You know, kinda like a government wiretap." --Jay Leno

 

"President Bush has left for vacation and his poll numbers are going up. So, basically, people approve of the job he's doing more when he's not doing the job." --Jay Leno

 

"This week, the government announced a new operation to crack down on the hiring of illegals here in Los Angeles. It's called Operation You're Going To Have To Cut Your Own Lawn and Raise Your Own Kids." --Jay Leno

 

"During a debate sponsored by a gay group, Senator Hillary Clinton was criticized because of her husband's 'Don't Ask, Don't Tell' policy. In response, Hillary said, 'Sorry, but our entire marriage is based on me not asking and him not telling'" --Conan O'Brien

 

"It pains me to say this, but a 'Tip of the Hat' to the New York Times. This week, America's most venerated journal of treason reduced its paper size from 13 1/2 inches to 12. I haven't seen this much liberal shrinkage since John Kerry went windsurfing" --Stephen Colbert

 

"At the top of last night's show, we mentioned presidential candidate Mitt Romney's response when he was asked why none of his five sons had enlisted in the military [on screen: Romney saying, 'My sons are all adults and they've made decisions about their careers, and they've chosen not to serve in the military']. You know what? Fair answer. I respect that. As long as you don't then try to equate with what they're actually doing now with military service, I think you're in the clear [on screen: Romney saying, 'One of the ways my sons are showing support for our nation is helping me to get elected because they think I'd be a great president.']. Oh, I get it. So yeah, they're not actually in the military, but they're about as close as you can get to it in supporting our nation. ... Who are these men, this brand of brothers who, against all odds, are making a 99-county Winnebago tour of Iowa without caffeine? --Jon Stewart

 

Daily Show correspondent Aasif Mandvi, asked if Mitt Romney's sons will get to come home from serving their country soon: "The good news is if their father keeps saying stupid s--- like this, then yes, yes they will"

 

"Presidential candidate Mitt Romney was asked to explain why none of his five sons are in the military and he said that his sons demonstrate their patriotism by going on the road and campaigning for him. Now there's a tough choice: Iraq, or Iowa?? "Fallujah or Cedar Rapids? Honey, what do you think?" --Jay Leno