"At a John Kerry speech at the University of Florida, a student was asking the senator so many annoying questions that police tasered him. ... Of course, people in Washington were stunned by this. What? John Kerry's still giving speeches?" --Jay Leno
"While the cops had him down, did you hear what he yelled to the police? He was yelling ... 'Don't tase me bro.' You know something, any time a white guy says the word 'bro,' he deserves to get tasered." --Jay Leno
"When the cops arrested O.J., they found him at the blackjack table trying to play the race card." --Jay Leno
"O.J. Simpson was charged with 11 criminal counts, including kidnapping, robbery and assault. Afterwards, O.J. said, 'Wow. Now I really have done it all.'" --Conan O'Brien
"Yesterday during a speech, Jesse Jackson criticized Barack Obama, and said Obama's been acting like he's white. Obama said Jackson's comments were hurtful, and they completely ruined his night at the Jimmy Buffett concert." --Conan O'Brien
"O.J. is back on the loose. He was released on a $125,000 bail today in Las Vegas. O.J. has been charged with 10 felonies, including robbery with a deadly weapon and kidnapping. He could get life in prison for all this. Isn't that something? You kill two people, you get nothing -- but steal your own football jersey, you go away for life." --Jimmy Kimmel
"Tonight we talk about the video we've all seen, the video of the University of Florida student, Andrew Meyer, being tasered at a John Kerry speech. By the way, considered one of the most pleasant outcomes of attending a Kerry speech. Many people, from what I've seen, choose to be tasered." --Jon Stewart
"In political news, Vice President Dick Cheney is very upset about the way General Petraeus has been treated by the Democrats. Vice President Cheney said it is horrible that people mock and insult a soldier. I'll be sure to pass that on to John Kerry when I see him." --Jay Leno
"Speaking of John Kerry, a University of Florida student was tasered after asking John Kerry about the 2004 election. ... I believe this is the first time anyone's ever been electrified at a John Kerry speech." --Jay Leno
"You probably saw the footage on the news. In fact, John Kerry was so shocked when it happened, he almost showed a facial expression." --Jay Leno
"Actually, to his credit, John Kerry said he did not want the kid tasered. He figured if he would just keep talking for a few more minutes, the student would have nodded off on his own." --Jay Leno
"In a new book, former Mexican President Vicente Fox says George W. Bush's Spanish is at best grade school level. Unfortunately, so is his History, Math, Science." --Jay Leno
"President Bush has tapped retired federal judge Michael Mukasey ... to replace Attorney General Alberto Gonzales. Conservatives in Washington say Mukasey is a real 'law and order' guy. To which Bush said, 'He was on that TV show, too?'" --Jay Leno
"The airport bathroom in Minneapolis where ... Senator Larry Craig was arrested has become a tourist attraction. ... Isn't that unbelievable? See, when I travel, I like to go to the men's rooms that the locals use, not some tourist trap" --Jay Leno
"Senator John Kerry was heckled while giving a speech, and the heckler had to be subdued with a taser gun. When reached for comment, the man said being tasered in the chest was still better than sitting through an entire Kerry speech." --Conan O'Brien
"Mexican President Vicente Fox has a new book coming out. In it, he says ... George Bush is the cockiest guy he's ever met. Apparently, the first time they met, Bush kept demanding to meet the Taco Bell chihuahua. ... Fox also says Bush speaks grade school Spanish. Well, in fairness, he speaks grade school English too." --Jimmy Kimmel
"If the world's off track, O.J. must come back. ... But is it too late? Would a media so focused on elevating national discourse in this election cycle even notice? [on screen: multiple news reports that 'whatever happens in Vegas doesn't necessarily stay in Vegas']. You did it, O.J. You're a uniter. By the way, Las Vegas is now changing its slogan to 'Las Vegas: No One Leaves This Room Motherf-----.'" --Jon Stewart
"The bathroom stall at the Minneapolis airport where Larry Craig was arrested has now become a tourist attraction where people go to have their pictures taken. Not only that, for $10, Larry Craig will autograph your penis." --Conan O'Brien
"In a new book, Mexico's former president, Vicente Fox, says that President Bush's Spanish is at grade school-level. Fortunately, Bush's feelings weren't hurt, because Fox made the comments in Spanish." --Conan O'Brien
"Congratulations to Al Gore! Al Gore won an Emmy last night. Actually, you know the secret to his win? This time, they actually counted the votes" --Jay Leno
"Everybody today talking about Mr. O.J. Simpson. ... O.J. Simpson was arrested yesterday for armed robbery in connection with a break-in at a Las Vegas hotel. When the cops cuffed him and took him to jail, O.J. was thrilled and said, 'I've still got it.'" --Conan O'Brien
"Apparently, after O.J. was taken into custody, he was questioned by police. He continues to maintain his innocence. O.J. says there's no way he committed the crime because it's not murdery enough." --Conan O'Brien
"How many saw the president's speech? He pre-empted regular programming, which is nice, because viewers tuning in to see 'Are You Smarter Than a Fifth Grader' for once got to feel they actually were. Yeah, he offered really no new strategy that I saw, but, of course, a new slogan: 'Return on Success.' Sounds like a Dr. Phil book." --Bill Maher
"Of course this is all coming from General Petraeus -- Petraeus Maximus. He testified before Congress and, of course, he said the surge is working. Although he emphasized, not on a Jewish holiday. ... He said we want to draw down troops, 30,000 troops, by next May. Of course, we just sent in 30,000 troops. So you send in 30,000 and you take away 30,000 -- it's called Operation Bulimia." --Bill Maher
"Did you see Britney Spears at the Video Music Awards? I don't want to say that that performance was a disaster, but after the show, I saw Rudy Giuliani having his picture taken standing on her." --Bill Maher
"Oh, I kid Rudy with love, because he is on the attack against Hillary Clinton. Have you seen this? He accused her of spitting venom at General Petraeus, and he paid for a full-page ad in the New York Times. He must miss the days when he was the mayor of New York, and the New York Times would have to print his bulls**t for free." --Bill Maher
"President Bush addressed the nation on this troop situation in Iraq. He said the best method, he believes, is a limited pullout. I don't know. Guys? Guys, that ever work for you? A limited pullout?" --Jay Leno
"Bush's speech was the first one broadcast in Hi-Def. And again, I don't think President Bush quite understands what that means. If fact, when they told him it was Hi-Def, he said, 'Oh great. Does that mean we don't need that lady with the sign language up in the corner anymore?" --Jay Leno
"Idaho Senator Larry Craig announced that he believes the United States is making progress in Iraq, thanks to the troop surge. And after he made the announcement, the guy in the next stall said, 'You want to keep it down, buddy?'" --Jay Leno
"President Bush gave his eighth speech to the nation about Iraq. In it, Bush promised to have the troops home by speech #73." --Conan O'Brien
"Yesterday, it was 'Conception Day' in Russia, where Russians were encouraged to have sex in order to increase their population. In the spirit of international cooperation, America sent Charlie Sheen." --Conan O'Brien
"General Petraeus has been testifying before Congress and a number of senators accused General Petraeus of lying. You've gotta understand why they're upset. If you are going to deceive the American people, you do it the right way ... you run for Congress." --Jay Leno
"Newt Gingrich has hinted he may run for president [audience boos]. And the American people just hinted he may lose." --Jay Leno
"Yesterday was 'Sex Day' in Russia. Government officials have encouraged the people of Russia to take the day off from work and have sex in an effort to increase their population. ... They told people to take the day off from work. That's the difference between our governments right there. In our country, our government officials have sex right there on the job." --Jay Leno
"The NFL is investigating whether or not the New England Patriots cheated during last Sunday's game by videotaping opposing coaches and stealing their hand signals. This could turn out to be the worst scandal involving hand signals since Senator Larry Craig got caught in that men's room." --Jay Leno
"Earlier today, President Bush announced to the nation that he promised to have Lindsay Lohan out of rehab next summer." --David Letterman
"Here's some sad news. ... According to a new study, gorillas are almost extinct. ... The situation is serious. It's grave. Earlier today, the governor of California was placed in a captive breeding program" --David Letterman