Sooner Be Blue

"A New Orleans prostitute has come forward and said she has had sex with married Louisiana Senator David Vitter two or three times a week over a four-month period. This is actually good news for the Republicans. Finally a sex scandal involving a woman." --Jay Leno

"Senator Vitter is denying this woman's allegations. Who are you gonna believe? A U.S. senator or a hooker? I've gotta go with the hooker." --Jay Leno

"With most of the country against the war, our top military man in Iraq, General Petraeus, says he does not know if the war is making us safer. ... In fact, for a lot people, it's more dangerous ... like Republicans." --Jay Leno

"Petraeus gave his progress report on Iraq to Congress. Senator Barbara Boxer said Petraeus was overly optimistic; Mel Martinez of Florida thanked the general; Senator Larry Craig of Idaho said, 'There's something about a man in uniform.'" --Jay Leno

"Rudy Giuliani and Fred Thompson are now tied neck and neck in national polls. Actually, you know, if they were on the ticket together, that would be a tough team for the Democrats to beat. I mean, if they could just get all their ex-wives to vote for them" --Jay Leno

"General David Petraeus testified before the Senate for 10 hours with just two bathroom breaks. During the same period, Senator Larry Craig took 73 bathroom breaks." --Conan O'Brien

"General Petraeus said the troops can start coming home next summer. ... I believe his exact words were, 'And then it's Hillary's mess.'" --David Letterman

"Another big day on Capitol Hill. General Petraeus testified again before Congress about the Iraq war. Some Democrats are claiming that Petraeus' answers are scripted by President Bush. Which explains Petraeus' use of the word 'surgerrific.'" --Conan O'Brien

"I guess the Secret Service had a little scare yesterday. ... For a couple of hours, they could not find President Bush. Turns out he was just hiding behind General Petraeus." --Jay Leno

"General Petraeus testified before the Senate. After listening to him, Senator Larry Craig said, 'I'm feeling a surge of my own.' ... Senator Craig from Idaho is blaming the media for his guilty plea, especially that cute guy from the Associated Press." --David Letterman

"In this new video, Osama bin Laden makes a pitch to America by attacking the Democrats. And then he says we should all convert to Islam 'cause there are no taxes. He's now running third in Iowa." --Jay Leno

"Restroom enthusiast Senator Larry Craig said today the only reason he plead guilty to that incident in the Minneapolis airport bathroom was because he was being hounded by reporters investigating rumors that he was gay. And what better way to shoot down those rumors, really." --Jay Leno

"It's not just the Republicans. In Tennessee, Democratic state Representative ... Rob Briley, the chair of the Judiciary Committee, got drunk, fled the scene of the accident, led police on a 100-mile-per-hour chase, and when the cops pulled their guns on him, he demanded he finish his drink. He's now being charged with impersonating a Hollywood celebrity." --Jay Leno

"Several Jewish groups are upset because President Bush issued Rosh Hashanah greetings over a week early. So they're saying that Bush doesn't know when Rosh Hashanah is. Bush says he'll make up the mistake by sending them all something nice for Christmas" --Conan O'Brien

"While he was in Australia, President Bush accidentally referred to Australian troops as Austrian troops. And he called it the OPEC summit instead of APEC summit. Even though he made a lot of mistakes ... he still got a congratulatory phone call from Miss Teen South Carolina." --Jay Leno

"Here's an interesting story: President Bush got in a very testy exchange with the president of South Korea over North Korea. ... The South Korean President wants the U.S. government to officially end the Korean War, which was 55 years ago. We never officially ended that war. ... But you know President Bush, he doesn't like setting timetables." --Jay Leno

"According to University of Minnesota, buildings and ruins with high dome ceilings help people think better and help them think smarter. They say the bigger the dome ceiling, the smarter people in it think. You think that's true? Explain Congress!" --Jay Leno

"It's kind of ironic. The whole time Senator Craig was copping a feel, he was actually feeling a cop." --Jay Leno

"But he did say today that if he is found guilty, he would be willing to do some kind of community service. You know, like picking up paper in the men's room." --Jay Leno

"Former Senator Fred Thompson, who announced he's a presidential candidate on our show, is out on the campaign trail. ... Thompson's wife is a very attractive woman. She is 24 years younger than he is. In fact, he's got four Secret Service agents keeping an eye on the two Secret Service agents who are keeping an eye on her" --Jay Leno

"In all, Bush was in Iraq for a total of six hours, all of it within the 17-mile perimeter of the highly-secured Al Asad airbase. His take away? [on screen: Bush saying, 'When you stand on the ground here in Anbar and hear from the people who live here, you can see what the future of Iraq can look like']. A giant, heavily-armed U.S. military base surrounded by a bloody sectarian free for all. He's a dreamer" --Jon Stewart

"President Bush embarrassed himself and the nation in Australia. I don't know if you know this, he was at the APEC convention ... he said it was OPEC. Then he referred to the Australians as the Austrians, and then he almost walked off the edge of the stage and killed himself. He was going to step on a rake and have it hit him on the head, but he was saving that for the French, he said." --Bill Maher

"In Australia, a TV comedian dressed himself up as Osama Bin Laden and got within feet of Bush's hotel. They got him, and the Bush spokesman said it was obviously not the real Bin Laden because they caught him." --Bill Maher

"Bin Laden said if Americans want the war in Iraq to end, they must convert to Islam. Well, I mean, between that and waiting for the Democrats to end it, I say go with Islam." --Bill Maher

"And listen to this, in the video he appears to be wearing a fake beard. That's why Bush can't find him, he is cunningly disguised himself as Osama Bin Laden." --Bill Maher

"But all of this is very good news for Senator Larry Craig of Idaho because now he's not the only guy in the headlines with a beard." --Bill Maher

"At first he said he was going to quit, then he said he's not going to quit, now he said he's going to quit again. He wants to fight for his right to potty. You go girl!" --Bill Maher

"See this is why Republicans are falling in love with Fred Thompson, ... because when Fred Thompson goes to a men's room, it's because he has an enlarged prostate." --Bill Maher

"Now there is a new biography of President Bush out, have you heard this? Where it says the president cries a lot. The president said, 'I do tears.' So lets see, he's impulsive, he's stubborn, he's weepy. Sorry Hillary, apparently we already have our first female president." --Bill Maher

"Fred Thompson just unveiled his campaign slogan, his campaign slogan is: 'United in our core beliefs.' Yeah, if the slogan's a hit, Thompson plans to unveil another one: 'United in our core beliefs: Special Victims Unit." --Conan O'Brien

"Legal experts say that Larry Craig may try to have his guilty plea overturned because he didn't have an attorney present at the time. ... To prevent this from happening in the future, Craig now brings at least one attorney into each bathroom stall." --Conan O'Brien

"School started, kids are back in school, and parents are warning their kids: do not, do not talk to strange Senators." --David Letterman

"How about that poor Senator Larry Craig from Idaho, oh my god, I'm telling you, I wouldn't give this guy's troubles to a monkey on a rock. He resigned from the Senate and someone will now have to fill the Senator's seat. And I'm thinking, isn't that what got him in this mess to begin with?" --David Letterman

"Osama Bin Laden releases yet another video tape, ... he makes an appearance once or twice a year to show he's still alive. Kind of like the Rolling Stones." --Jay Leno

"Did you know this? Interesting story, FredThompson married his first wife when he was 17, and, ironically, married his second wife when she was 17." --Jay Leno

"Well at the big summit meeting in Australia, Bush called the APEC conference the OPEC conference, he called Australian troops Austrian troops, and then left the stage the wrong way. So he's given the wrong information when he got there, he stumbled when he was there, and couldn't figure out how to leave. It's like Iraq all over again." --Jay Leno

"And also at the summit in Australia, President Bush said we're 'kicking ass' in Iraq. Is that the kind of language the President should be using, kicking ass? Which kind of sums up where Washington is right now. The president wants to kick ass, Congress trying to kiss ass, and Senator Craig trying to grab ass." --Jay Leno

"A spokesman for the Senator said that yes, he will resign after all. So apparently he had the same problem he had in the men's room: nobody to give him a hand." --Jay Leno

"But actually, Senator Craig was quite philosophical about the whole thing. He said, when you close one bathroom stall door, another one opens up" --Jay Leno

"President Bush had a big day of dumbness when he was in Sydney, Australia ... he called the APEC conference the OPEC conference, he called Australians Austrians, and at the end of his speech he went the wrong way and almost fell off the stage, somebody had to grab him. With Karl Rove gone, the president acts like a slightly-inbred golden retriever that slipped off it's leash." --Jimmy Kimmel