Sooner Be Blue

 

"Republicans are still angry about this 10-day-old MoveOn.org ad. You know, the General Petraeus, he betrayed us. And the Senate actually voted to condemn an ad. That's what your government did yesterday, they held a vote to pass a resolution to condemn an ad with a pun it in. And then they had oreos and braided each other's hair." --Bill Maher

 

"And 22 Democrats voted for that, by the way. You know, I have to say, the Democrats are so useless that they could not even pass a bill to get our troops more time between deployments. Only the Republicans could make an argument that a bill that literally supports the troops didn't support the troops. And only the Democrats could lose that argument. Next week, the Democrats are going to vote whether to give Republicans all their lunch money or just some of it." --Bill Maher

 

"The Democrat-controlled Congress' approval rating is now somewhere between rectal itch and that douchbag on the Internet who says 'leave Britney alone.' ... Their approval ratings is 11%. 11%! They were so stunned at this number, the Democrats, that it sent a chill up and down where their spine used to be." --Bill Maher

 

"But, come on, it's not all bad. Hillary did call Dick Cheney Darth Vader. ... Which is very unfair, because Darth Vader would have caught bin Laden by now." --Bill Maher

 

"Iran's president wanted to lay a wreath at Ground Zero, but his critics said, 'No, no. You are trying to exploit Ground Zero for political gain, and that is Rudy Giuliani's job.'" --Bill Maher

 

"Rudy says he is not going to go to the ... 'black debate' this month with Tavis Smiley, and neither are the other Republican frontrunners. I think that's just as well. I don't think the Republicans are really that in tune with the black community, 'cause they asked Mitt Romney today what he thought of the Jena 6 and he said, 'I prefer The Jackson 5.'" --Bill Maher

 

"Vicente Fox, the former president of Mexico, has a book coming out where he talks about George Bush. He said that Bush, the cowboy, is afraid of horses. Well actually, he's not afraid of them, but he had a bad experience. Back in college, a horse defeated him in a debate" --Bill Maher

 

"It's getting pretty nasty out there on the campaign trail. This week, Hillary Clinton referred to Vice President Dick Cheney as Darth Vader. ... And today, he demanded an apology. Not Dick Cheney, Darth Vader." --Jay Leno

 

"The president of Iran ... came to New York to address the United Nations. Why isn't his name on the no-fly list? ... And you don't want to get stuck behind him in the security line. How long would that take? Actually, you know he'd go through the line in two minutes, but they'd strip search the 85-year-old grandmother standing behind him. " --Jay Leno

 

"When Scott Pelley ... on '60 Minutes' told Mahmoud Ahmadinejad that the American people would be very insulted if he visited Ground Zero, the Iranian President disagreed. He said, 'No. There are 300 million people in America with many different points of view. As opposed to Iran, which has 70 million people who aren't allowed any point of view.'" --Jay Leno

 

"An MIT student named Star Simpson walked into Logan Airport in Boston today with a fake bomb strapped to her chest. ... She said it was art, but of course they took it very seriously. Police were called. In fact, it got so scary, it actually scared Senator Larry Craig right out of the airport men's room" --Jay Leno

 

"Yesterday at a campaign fundraiser, Hillary Clinton criticized Vice President Cheney and called him 'Darth Vader.' Cheney denied it and said, 'Darth Vader is evil, half-machine and always wears a cape. And I don't own a cape.'" --Conan O'Brien

 

"Earlier tonight, the Democratic presidential candidates took part in a debate sponsored by the senior citizen group AARP. It was just like the other debates, except the moderator asked the same question over and over." --Conan O'Brien

 

"While in Europe, presidential candidate Rudy Giuliani called for an expansion of NATO. After hearing this, President Bush said, 'I believe it's pronounced Nintendo.'" --Conan O'Brien

 

"Dan Rather announced he is suing CBS for $70 million for damaging his career. After hearing this, Katie Couric said, 'Then I'm suing for $700 million.'" --Conan O'Brien

 

"The Iranian President ... is in New York, but he's been denied permission to go to Ground Zero in New York City. He wanted to go to Ground Zero. I got an idea. Is there any way we can bring Ground Zero to him?" --Jay Leno

 

"Another person was tasered today during a John Kerry speech ... not for being disruptive. I guess while listening to Kerry, the guy slipped into a coma." --Jay Leno

 

"In fact, when asked about that tasing incident the other day, John Kerry said at first he was for the tasing, but then he was against it." --Jay Leno

 

"It is now being reported that restroom enthusiast Senator Larry Craig is no longer using the Minneapolis airport when he flies from Idaho to Washington, DC. Instead he's using Denver. He says Denver's faster, more convenient and with 23 stalls." --Jay Leno

 

"Reporters at the Washington-based web site The Politico said that Larry Craig's return to the Capitol this week was 'about as wanted as a mystery meat sandwich.' ... Which was what Craig was asking the undercover cop for." --Jay Leno

 

"There are now allegations that New England Patriots Coach Bill Belichick may have tampered with the stadium's audio frequencies to eavesdrop on the other teams' conversations. But the good news of these spying allegations is that today Belichick was offered a job with the Bush administration." --Jay Leno

 

"What's going on with Dan Rather? ... Dan Rather's suing CBS for $70 million, claiming that the network where he worked for years forced him out a job. Hmm, you can get $70 million for that?" --Jay Leno

 

"Just today, President Bush gave a press conference to talk about an issue on everyone's mind -- health care. Specifically, this so-called SCHIP insurance bill. It's a Democratic measure that would expand what children would be eligible for federally funded health insurance. And you know why that's bad [on screen: Bush saying, 'The SCHIP plan is an incremental step toward the goal of government run health care for every American']. Oh my God, they're gonna put Communism in our kids' drinking water ... and then inject them with the gay and load them on Michael Moore and float them to Cuba!" --Jon Stewart

 

"So obviously, the president has a better idea [on screen: Bush saying, 'I believe the best approach is to put more power in the hands of individuals. By empowering people and their doctors...']. Okay, I'm just going to stop him right there. ... I think I figured out the disconnect here. I think I figured out the problem. 'Empowering people and their doctors.' See, he thinks the uninsured have doctors." --Jon Stewart