Late-night jokes recap 9/28
"This kind of seems like bad taste to me. A Giuliani fundraiser is now charging $9.11 ... in reference to 9/11. ... Isn't that inappropriate? I mean, isn't it like a Bill Clinton fundraiser charging $69 a head?" --Jay Leno
"I was a little disappointed to hear this. Rudy Giuliani, Fred Thompson, Mitt Romney and John McCain all said they cannot attend the minority debate this week at Morgan State University because they have scheduling conflicts. They're scheduled to meet with rich white people" --Jay Leno
"Folks, it's official. Congress now has the lowest approval rating of any Congress in the history of the United State. 11%! Their approval rating is so low, today they were invited to speak at Columbia University." --Jay Leno
"This week, the Iranian President Mahmoud Ahma-nut job ... became the laughing stock of the world when he said there are no gay people in Iran. So apparently, he's never been to the Tehran airport men's room." --Jay Leno
"In Iran, homosexuals can be executed for being gay, but only if a homosexual act is witnessed by four other Iranian men. So, they've got four men watching two other men have sex. ... Isn't everybody gay?" --Jay Leno
"The Iranian president also said there are no lesbians in Iran either. Really? In that whole country, there isn't one whole female UPS driver? I don't think so." --Jay Leno
"In Utah, polygamy sect leader Warren Jeffs has been convicted. ... The guy's got 80 wives. 80 wives at the same time. In fact, when Rudy Giuliani heard that, he said, 'Records are made to be broken.'" --Jay Leno
"This Saturday, in Washington, DC, they will hold the Seventh Annual National Book Festival. First Lady Laura Bush will deliver a speech about the joys of reading. And then, President Bush will give the rebuttal." --Jay Leno
"All the world leaders are in town for the U.N. General Assembly. ... Yesterday, President Bush met with President Valdis Zatlers of Latvia, President Festus Gontebanye Mogae of Botswana and President Jakaya Kikwete of Tanzania. Or, as Bush calls them, 'Buddy, Slim and Big Guy.'" --Conan O'Brien
"Yesterday, controversial Iranian President Ahmadinejad insisted that Iran has freedom of the press. He says there are 30 newspapers published there that oppose his government. So, if you're keeping track, that's 30 opposition newspapers and 0 gay people." --Conan O'Brien
"Iranian President Mahmoud Ah-members only jacket-jad is headed back home tonight after a whirl-wind trip to New York. He said many, many crazy things during his time here, but the one most people seemed focused on -- I certainly am -- is his contention that there are no homosexuals in Iran. That claim was challenged by an Iranian news reporter [on screen: Ahmadinejad saying he knows no homosexuals after Iranian reporter says she knows several gay Iranians]. Neither did Larry Craig, right?" --Jimmy Kimmel
"You folks are here on a historic night. The entire balcony is filled with gay Iranians. ... A couple of days ago, up at Columbia University ... Mahmoud Ahmadinejad said that there are no homosexuals in Iran. By the way, that's why in Iran, it's nearly impossible to get your dog groomed." --David Letterman
"Here's some good news, ladies and gentlemen: President Bush says he has a new plan to stop Iran's nuclear program. This is what he's going to do, he's going to have O.J. steal the plutonium" --David Letterman
"Each year, ambassadors and presidents gather with the goal of making it impossible to get across town in less than two hours. ... Mr. President, you're first. This is your chance to send a clear message to Iran at the U.N. Take the first swing [on screen: Bush saying, 'Americans are outraged by the situation in Burma']. We are? Really? I think I would change that statement somewhat to say, 'Americans just found out there was still a Burma.' ... " --Jon Stewart, on Bush's address to the U.N. General Assembly
"At Columbia University, it was 'Take Your Insane Dictator To Work Day.' There was a lot of controversy about letting the Iranian president speak here in the United States, much less at a university. I have to admit, I didn't like it. ... I mean, if he wants to condemn this country and our president, you do it the proper way ... you win an Academy Award." --Jay Leno
"Instead of New York, I wish they would have invited Ahmadinejad to California. That would have been fun to watch Governor Schwarzenegger trying to introduce him." --Jay Leno
"As you know, the Iranian president said a lot of stupid things ... My favorite is when he said there are no homosexuals in Iran. In fact, today, Idaho Senator Larry Craig volunteered to go over there on an ass-finding mission." --Jay Leno
"As you know, women in Iran have to cover up. ... Premarital sex is against the law. In fact, a man can't even touch a woman over there unless you're married. There's no R-rated movies. I'm surprised all guys in Iran aren't gay by now." --Jay Leno
"How about that Mahmoud Ahmadinejad? What a guy this guy is, huh? According to this guy, he says there are no homosexuals in Iran. I guess that explains the pathetic state of their musical theatre." --David Letterman
"But did you see Ahmadinejad's speech at the U.N.? One odd moment: In the middle of the speech, he took a cell phone call from Mrs. Giuliani" --David Letterman
"Ladies and gentlemen, the face of evil, the Hitler of our generation. Let's hear his terrifying words [on screen: Ahmadinejad claiming that there are no homosexuals in Iran]. ... That's so interesting there are no homosexuals in Iran because in America, there are no homosexuals in our conservative movement either" --Jon Stewart
"President Mahmoud Ah-members only jacket-jad addressed the United Nations General Assembly ... This guy is nuts. He denies the Holocaust happened. He says his country has no homosexuals. He's looked very hard for them, he's even placed personal ads. ... Hey, maybe if there were homosexuals in Iran, he'd be better dressed" --Jimmy Kimmel
"Apple launched its iPhone in Europe ... but it's being criticized because they say it's not European enough. Apparently, the iPhone isn't European enough because it actually works the entire month of August" --Conan O'Brien
"The president of Iran gave a speech in New York City, and thousands of New Yorkers are really upset about it. The New Yorkers said, 'If we want to hear a short-tempered Iranian man yell at us, we'll take a cab.'" --Conan O'Brien
"During his speech at Columbia University, President Ahmadinejad said his country 'doesn't have problems with gay people because they don't have homosexuals in Iran.' Which finally explains why Ahmadinejad gets away with wearing a windbreaker from 1983." --Conan O'Brien
"Earlier today, Arnold Schwarzenegger spoke at a conference on global warming, and he said, 'The time has come to stop looking back at the Kyoto Protocol.' Afterwards, people said, 'We didn't solve anything, but it was really fun hearing Arnold say Kyoto Protocol.'" --Conan O'Brien
"Vice President Cheney was recently asked who's going to win the 2008 presidential election, and he said it could go either way. So I guess he means Larry Craig" --Conan O'Brien
"Ahmadinejad ... is against drugs, he's against alcohol, against premarital sex, against homosexuality and pornography. What's he speaking at a college for? Good luck finding any common ground with those kids." --Jay Leno
"According to a new report out of Cuba, Fidel Castro is near death, but is clinging to life and he is determined to outlive the Bush presidency. Wow, just like Dan Rather." --Jay Leno
"Presidential candidate Rudolph Giuliani also on the campaign trail. He spoke to the NRA, the National Rifle Association, last week and he tried to appeal to them by saying that two of his marriages were shotgun weddings." --Jay Leno
"The Forbes list of the 400 richest Americans is out. Everybody on the list is now a billionaire. You can't even be a millionaire and be on the list, you have to be a billionaire to be on the list. So see that, the Bush tax cuts are working" --Jay Leno
