Late-night jokes 10/12
"One of President Bush's closest advisers said that Republican presidential candidate Mike Huckabee is going to have trouble getting elected 'cause his last name is Huckabee. He said the only way it could be worse is if his name was George W. Huckabee." --Conan O'Brien
"President Bush says that these rumors that he's just getting ready to attack Iran are propaganda. He said he and Cheney were ready months ago." --Jay Leno
"Anybody see the Republican debate last night? ... It was late getting started. They had to go through the bags under Fred Thompson's eyes." --David Letterman
"Here's what I don't understand: Rudolph Giuliani had three wives and he's not the Mormon candidate?" --David Letterman
"Former 'Law & Order' star Fred Thompson appeared in his first presidential debate last night. Political experts called him uneven, flat and dull. In other words, Thompson was the highlight of the debate." --Conan O'Brien
"There were times when Thompson looked like a bystander when Romney and Giuliani were going at each other. See, I don't think Fred understands how these debates work. Like he went backstage and asked the producers, 'I need more lines.'" -Jay Leno
"According to the latest poll, New Hampshire voters -- kind of prickly voters -- are unexpectedly warming to Hillary Clinton. So, this could be the proof of global warming -- Hillary thawing." --Jay Leno
"Senator Larry Craig ... has been selected for the Idaho Hall of Fame. Well, what a well thought out choice that was. ... Actually, he's not being inducted into the entire hall, just the men's room" --Jay Leno
"There was a Republican debate held in Dearborn, Michigan. It was 'Law & Order' star Fred Thompson's first presidential debate. I'd say the addition of Fred Thompson has given these debates exactly what they need -- another old white guy." --Jimmy Kimmel
"But the main story line of the debate turned out to be an actual argument between Mitt Romney and Rudy Giuliani about tax cuts. It got pretty ugly [on screen: Romney calling one of Giuliani's assertions 'baloney']. Ohhh, sugar! Let's keep this civil. We don't want Romney going all 'applesauce this' and 'fudgesticks that' on your ass. Baloney? Who says baloney?" --Jon Stewart
"The Republican debate is the first one that former Senator Fred Thompson will attend. Thompson says he wanted to attend the previous debates, but he got stuck driving his wife to cheerleading practice." --Conan O'Brien
"The Republicans had another big presidential debate on CNBC. CNBC -- it's like NBC, but with even less viewers. ... All the big name Republican candidates were there. The old guy was there, the really old guy was there, and the really, really old guy was there. ... Did you see 'em lined up? They looked like a pack of vanilla wafers. It's the attack of the white guys. It's a hockey game about to break out." -Jay Leno
"They finally revealed the cause of those fires ... in the bathroom of the Senate office building last week. Turns out, Idaho Senator Larry Craig's scented candle tipped over and lit his massage oils on fire." -Jay Leno
"Hybrid vehicles are so quiet at slow speeds that blind people say they are a safety risk. Again, this is another issue I don't think President Bush understands. Like today, Bush said, 'Maybe blind people shouldn't be driving them'" --Jay Leno
"During a recent speech, President Bush said, 'My job is a decision-making job. As a result, I have made a lot of decisions.' Apparently, Bush's decision that day was to write his own speech." --Conan O'Brien
"Republican presidential candidate Fred Thompson is being criticized for being out of touch, because in a recent interview, he talked about strengthening our relationship with the Soviet Union. Which, of course, no longer exists. Thompson says he feels bad about the mistake and he plans to personally apologize to Stalin." --Conan O'Brien
"In a recent interview, journalist Robert Novak says that in order to get rid of Senator Larry Craig, the Republican leadership is going to have to 'get him in a room and slap him around.' When he heard this, Craig said, 'Don't say it unless you really mean it'" --Conan O'Brien
"The Chicago Cubs were swept by the Arizona Diamondbacks. Do you realize Arizona wasn't even a state the last time the Cubs won the World Series? To give you an idea of how long ago that was, Fred Thompson was still married to his first wife." --Jay Leno
"Columbus Day ... or, as Native Americans call it, 'Illegal Immigration Day.'" --Jay Leno
"Senator Larry Craig, the man of the peep hole ... I'm sorry, man of the people ... said he was going to resign. He has now vowed to stay in the Senate and finish his term. You know, you just don't flush a career like that down the toilet." --Jay Leno
"There's a new medical device that allows doctors to non-invasively view your colon on a television screen. The device is called a virtual colonoscopy. Or, as Senator Larry Craig calls it, 'A PlayStation'" --Jay Leno
"In a preview of a looming 2008 election battle over stem cell research and global warming, Hillary Clinton, Thursday, accused President George W. Bush of waging a war on science. Of course, based on his previous wars, this will probably just end up creating more scientists." --Seth Meyers
"According to a poll, Bill Clinton has emerged as an asset in his wife's campaign, with 60% of Americans saying they would be comfortable with him as first husband. While 71% of women say they'd be extremely comfortable with him as a second husband." --Amy Poehler
