Late-night jokes 10/19
"During an interview, Vice President Dick Cheney's wife said that Vice President Cheney and Barack Obama are actually distant cousins. When Dick Cheney found out, he said, 'I knew there was something creepy about that guy.'" --Conan O'Brien
"Isn't that amazing, Obama and Cheney related? Dick Cheney now has more blacks and gays in his own family than in the entire Republican Party." --Jay Leno
"Obama and Cheney are actually cousins, but Barack did not inherit the family sneer." --David Letterman
"Condoleezza Rice, bless her heart, is trying to work out a peace agreement between the Palestinians and the Israelis. That's about as doable as she is" --David Letterman
"If you'd like to find out if you're related to Dick Cheney, there's a very simple test. Here's what you do: You go out to a shooting range and if you can't tell the difference between a lawyer and a quail, you could be related." --Jay Leno
"Tough choices on TV last night. I couldn't decide whether to watch 'Dancing With The Stars' or toe-tapping with Senator Larry Craig. ... Matt Lauer had his big interview with Senator Craig last night. At first, they had a lot of sound problems. You always get those echoes from the bathroom." --Jay Leno
"A baker in Austria is in trouble for making his employees pay for the time they spend in the bathroom. This guy will record their bathroom breaks and then deduct the money from their pay. Can you imagine that? That's got to be Senator Craig's worst nightmare." --Jay Leno
"Senator Larry Craig was interviewed by Matt Lauer this week, and Craig said that he's a victim of gladiator politics. Then Craig said, 'And trust me, no one's watched more gladiator movies than I have" --Conan O'Brien
"Yesterday, the Dalai Lama had a private meeting with President Bush. You know, the last Dalai the president greeted was Parton. ... Believe it or not, they actually have a lot in common. One of the goals of Zen Buddhism is to completely empty your mind. The president did that years ago." --Jimmy Kimmel
"Earlier tonight on NBC, Idaho Senator Larry Craig was on Matt Lauer. Until Matt was able to push him off." --Jay Leno
"The interview was conducted in Senator Craig's home in Idaho. Beautiful home. Four bedrooms, 29 bathrooms." --Jay Leno
"One embarrassing moment. I guess half way through the interview, Larry Craig's wife came into the room, saw Matt Lauer sitting there, and said, 'Is this another one of your boy toys?'" --Jay Leno
"This past weekend, Senator Craig was inducted into the Idaho Hall of Fame. See, I don't know how these things work. Is he a pitcher or a catcher?" --Jay Leno
"President Bush met with the Dalai Lama today at the White House. Another awkward moment. When the Dalai Lama showed up, Bush said, 'So, where's the llama?'" --Jay Leno
"China is outraged at the United States for honoring the Dalai Lama at the White House. They're pretty mad. I hope they don't try to get back at us, you know, like maybe putting lead in our toys or anti-freeze in our toothpaste." --Jay Leno
"A globe of the world once owned by Adolph Hitler is going to be auctioned off. ... So, Hitler's globe if you're thinking about getting a Christmas gift for Ann Coulter." --Jay Leno
"Rudy Giuliani and John McCain have teamed up to attack Mitt Romney. See, you need two people to attack Romney -- one for each of his positions on the issue. ... Political experts are saying that Giuliani and McCain could be the Republican ticket. Or, a remake of 'Grumpy Old Men'" --Jay Leno
"Hillary Clinton raised $35 million in three months. That's the most money ever raised by a woman, if you don't count what Oprah's made since lunch." --David Letterman
"Richard Simmons is on the program tonight. ... It will be good to see Richard again. You know he's the only man who's embraced more overweight women than Bill Clinton" --David Letterman
"Earlier this year, Al Gore won an Emmy and an Oscar. Now that he's won a Nobel Peace Prize, some people say he may run for president. Gore says he's not even thinking about the presidency 'cause he's totally focused on winning the Heisman." --Conan O'Brien
"Last week, Al Gore won the Nobel Peace Prize for his efforts to fight global warming. Congratulations to Al Gore. ... Not to be outdone, today the oil companies named President Bush 'Man of The Year.'" --Jay Leno
"Over the weekend, Senator Craig was inducted into the Idaho Stall of Fame. ... Did I say stall? I meant to say Hall of Fame. This guy got into the Idaho Hall of Fame. So who are the people who lost to Craig?" --Jay Leno
"According to an exclusive interview, Senator Larry Craig said that because of his sex scandal, he's now in 'the toughest fight of his life.' Then Craig added, 'Unless you count that trucker who played hard to get.'" --Conan O'Brien
"Nobel Peace Prize for his work with the environment. Then, in a stunning reversal, the Supreme Court awarded it to George Bush." --Amy Poehler
"I think I know why you're happy tonight ... 'cause Al Gore won the Nobel prize. Al Gore won the Nobel prize. Or, as President Bush announced it, 'Sweden is with the terrorists.' No, the president did not say that. What he said was, 'The Nobel Prize is just a theory. It needs more study.'" --Bill Maher
"You can tell Al Gore is still worrying about these kind of things. They told him today, 'You received the most votes.' He said, 'Yeah, who won?'" --Bill Maher
"Congratulations to former Vice President Al Gore. He won the Nobel Peace Prize. ... And he did it without a single vote from Florida." --Jay Leno
"A White House spokesman said President Bush is very happy Al Gore won. Not Dick Cheney. Oh, no. Dick Cheney said today now he wants to bomb Norway." --Jay Leno
"I have become such a fan of these Republican debates ... Mitt Romney and Giuliani went at each other. It was like watching a mannequin fight a Halloween costume." --Bill Maher
"And Mitt Romney was asked if he would seek congressional approval to attack Iran. ... He said he would check with his attorneys. Is that the right answer? I'm not sure. ... And then Fred Thompson said he would check with his manager and his publicist. That's the right answer." --Bill Maher
"This was Fred Thompson's first debate. You know, the long-awaited savior for the Republicans, Fred Thompson, is finally in the debates. It was a good chance for the voters to finally put the name with the cadaver." --Bill Maher
"The people who are really getting tough with the Middle East is the House Foreign Relations Committee. Those motherf------ are not kidding around. They voted yesterday to condemn, as an act of genocide, the killings of Armenians in Turkey in 1915. See, this is exactly why the voters gave control to the Democrats. They send a stern message to the Ottoman Empire." --Bill Maher
"On the peaceful side of the equation, the Dalai Lama is coming to the United States next week. He's going to get the Congressional Medal of honor, meet with President Bush. He is going to, of course, be wearing his famous flowing orange robes. Nothing religious about that, he just doesn't want to get shot by Cheney." --Bill Maher
"Ramsey Usef, you know that name? He was the mastermind of the first World Trade Center attack back in '93. He's been rotting in prison -- as he should -- for many years. He said he's now converted to Christianity. He has seen the light. He can't wait to get out and bomb an abortion clinic" --Bill Maher
"Congratulations to our own Matt Lauer of the 'Today Show.' Matt has secured the very first TV interview with Idaho Senator Larry Craig. I believe it will be conducted in the men's room at Rockefeller Center. ... Senator Craig said he's looking forward to meeting with Matt and going toe to toe." --Jay Leno
"This week, President Bush said that Congress needs to give him more power to spy on Americans by making changes to the Protect America Act. Did you ever notice they always give these pieces of legislation names you can't disagree with? The Protect America Act. ... Give it a fair name. At least call it the Ignore The Constitution Act." --Jay Leno
"We're learning more and more information about that Republican debate the other night. Apparently, the Republicans were really paranoid about security at the debate. Security was very, very high. To make sure there were no embarrassing incidents, I understand they had three security guards posted at every bathroom stall." --Jay Leno
"Mitt Romney said the other night at the debates that he's the one of all the candidates who is the most optimistic about the future. Well, there's a shock -- a rich, white guy with $200 million in the bank. What's everyone worried about?" --Jay Leno
