Late-night jokes 10/25
"This week, the U.S. Army removed several recruiting ads from a web site because the web site targets homosexual men. The ad said, 'Uncle Sam Wants You ... Bad.'" --Conan O'Brien
"President Bush met with the Dalai Lama at the White House. One kind of awkward moment. ... When the Dalai Lama walked into the Oval Office, he was wearing the traditional robe, and, of course, Bush started chanting, 'Toga, Toga!'" --Jay Leno
"He was given the Medal of Freedom. As you know, the Dalai Lama does not engage in sex, drugs, alcohol, or tobacco. Which raises the question, what was Congress honoring him for? This goes against everything Congress represents." --Jay Leno
"The Dalai Lama told President Bush that he had seen evil firsthand. President Bush said, 'Great, you got to meet Vice President Cheney.'" --Jay Leno
"During a speech at the Capitol, the Dalai Lama admitted that his English language skills equal those of a kindergartner's. When he heard this, President Bush said, 'No one likes a show-off.'" --Conan O'Brien
"Good news for the terrorists: Undercover agents posing as passengers were able to get simulated bombs through the screening process here at LAX 75% of the time ... but not one drop of shampoo." --Bill Maher
"The Turkish Parliament has voted to approve the idea of invading Iraq. President Bush was furious. He said, 'What kind of country takes a vote before it invades Iraq?'" --Bill Maher
"How many arch conservatives are here tonight? Sam Brownback has quit the race for president. His supporter is devastated. ... Brownback said he couldn't raise enough money, he couldn't get enough support, and he got tired of carrying around that fetus in a jar. ... He said he knew he made the right decision to get out of the race when he sat down to tell his wife and she said, 'You're running for president?'" --Bill Maher
"Two of the defendants in the Jena 6 case ... were guests last night at the BET Hip Hop awards. Wow, that's pretty good for teenage kids, right? They said if they had known they'd be getting this much attention, they would have beat the crap out of a white kid a long time ago." --Bill Maher
"More bad news today for Barack Obama. He just found out he's related to Bill O'Reilly too. The guy can't get a break!" --Jay Leno
"Screeners at the L.A. International Airport missed 75% of the fake bombs that were sent though the line. However, they did confiscate 100% of people's water bottles" --Jay Leno
"Al Gore won an Academy award, an Emmy award, and now he's won a Nobel prize. Honestly, I think it's going to his head. Listen to what happened over the weekend: Al Gore was in a bar screaming, 'Who wants a Nobel prize piece of ass?'" --David Letterman
"What a terrific audience we have. We have 500 people here tonight. We have straight people, we have gay people, we have white people, we have black people. It's like a Dick Cheney family reunion." --Jay Leno
"Dick Cheney and Barack Obama ... are eighth cousins. Isn't that amazing? Even more amazing, Dick Cheney, Darth Vader -- second cousins." --Jay Leno
"A very special edition of 'Dateline' the other night. Matt Lauer interviewed Idaho Senator Larry Craig. Actually, the senator was a little confused. He thought it was 'Win A Date with Matt Lauer.' The senator showed up with flowers, condoms, a six pack of Mike's Hard Lemonade. He was there to party. ... If you didn't see the interview, it will rerun on Bravo on 'Queer Eye For Pretending To Be The Straight Guy.'" --Jay Leno
"There was one kind of awkward moment during the interview. During a commercial break, I guess Matt Lauer asked the senator where the bathroom was, and the senator said, 'Any place you want it to be.'" --Jay Leno
"According to a new report, security screeners at our nation's airports -- this is scary -- failed to find fake bombs hidden on undercover agents 60% of the time. ... President Bush said today, 'Well, who cares about fake bombs?'" --Jay Leno
"Remember 20 years ago, 'Baby Jessica'? She was the little baby who was rescued after falling in a well. Huge story. She's almost 21 now and will soon be getting a million dollars from the funds set up with donations when she fell down the well. She's getting a million dollars. In a related story, earlier today, Senator John McCain threw himself down a well" --Jay Leno
"Last week, Vice President Cheney's wife said that Vice President Cheney is actually a distant cousin of Barack Obama. At first Obama was skeptical, then he remembered that his great-great-grandmother once had a demon out of wedlock." --Conan O'Brien
"There's a woman who's got an apartment here in New York, in Brooklyn. She goes to the bathroom and there is a 7-foot python in the toilet. It's just coiled up. A giant killer snake in the toilet. I was thinking, usually when you find something coiling around your leg in a restroom, it's Senator Larry Craig" --David Letterman
"If gays can't get married, then neither can robots. An artificial intelligence researcher is predicting that someday humans will marry robots. A conclusion based on hundreds of studies in psychology and robotics, and 25 minutes alone with a vacuum cleaner. The robot wife is just like a regular wife, only she doesn't say, "Get off me, you bastard," when you accidentally yell out the wrong model number." --Bill Maher
"Rednecks who steamrolled Dixie Chicks CDs four years ago now have to do the same thing to Bruce Springsteen's new anti-war album, and John Mellencamp's anti-war album, and John Fogerty's and Neil Young's. I want to see your irrational hatred of dissent take over until you've got nothing left to listen to but Ted Nugent, Christian rock and the audio version of Charlie Daniels' book, Rah-Rah, Blah-Blah, Woo-Hoo, Yee-Haw." --Bill Maher
"The photocopying machine was invented in 1938. You'd think they'd have worked out the kinks by now, but you go into any office in America and you're guaranteed to see two things: a dead ficus tree and a guy fixing the Xerox machine. The one in our office has had more work done on it than Joan Rivers." --Bill Maher
"Stop saying that people make bad decisions because they're young. Have you seen this group? [photo of Bush, Cheney, Rice, Rumsfeld, Powell]" --Bill Maher
