Sooner Be Blue

I've missed them...and from my blog traffic report, you have too, you keep clicking up the old ones. These guys don't do too bad without their writers:

 

"It looks like the Democratic field is really starting to get narrowed down. For Democrats, it's going to be Barack Obama versus Hillary. So, it's a black man or a white woman. You know, this is the same decision Michael Jackson has to make every morning of his life." --Jay Leno

 

"The Democrats debated in Las Vegas. Barack Obama picked up a very important endorsement there from the Hookers Union. If you can get the hookers, all you need is about half the magicians and you have the state of Nevada locked up." --Jimmy Kimmel

 

"Dennis Kucinich today got a judge to order MSNBC, the cable channel, to let him be a part of the debate, which is the political equivalent of your mom forcing the other kids to play with you. ... But then a state Supreme Court judge overruled him, so he couldn't go to the debate. Apparently, the fact that he has no chance whatsoever has not slowed Dennis Kucinich down at all. I don't blame him though, because when you look like a Keebler Elf and your wife looks like this [on screen: Elizabeth Kucinich], how can you help but believe that anything is possible?" --Jimmy Kimmel

 

"Well, because of some discrepancies in the voting, New Hampshire says they will do a hand recount of all of Dennis Kucinich's votes. Luckily, they will only need one hand." --Jay Leno

 

"Hey, I thought this was unfair, 'cause we like Dennis Kucinich. He's been here. NBC did not invite Dennis to the Democratic debate in Nevada. Although, to be fair, they did invite his hot wife." --Jay Leno

 

"Fred Thompson said he is out trying to revitalize his campaign. What does he mean 're'? When was it vitalized?" --Jay Leno

 

"California is having a lot budget problems. In his budget talk speech, our own Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger says that California should be more like Arkansas. And Britney Spears' pregnant 16-year-old sister said, 'Hey, I'm doing my part.'" --Jay Leno

 

"The New York Times says the Supreme Court may give the okay for voter ID laws. You know what this is? This means you would have to show an ID to get into a voting booth, which is pretty amazing considering right now most people don't even show an ID to get into the country" --Jay Leno

 

"Last year, New York City was visited by 46 million tourists. Whoa! Thank you, weak dollar. But listen to this. ... The 'Late Show' -- this is great news -- is one of the 20 top tourist attractions in New York City. We are right between the new public pay toilet and the check-cashing dead guy." --David Letterman

 

"The price of milk has gone up 36%. Here's what happened. The cows have joined OPEC. ... But don't worry, President Bush is already on the problem. He is going to fight the high cost of milk. He is planning to invade Wisconsin." --David Letterman

 

"By the way, I wonder why Mrs. Bush didn't accompany the president to Saudi Arabia. Oh, I see [on screen: Bush holding hands with Saudi King Abdullah]." --Jon Stewart

 

"Do you realize how huge 'American Idol' is? It's huge! ... More Americans will participate in 'American Idol' than in the election of our next president. It's true. That's a true fact. And they'll be happier about the result" --Conan O'Brien

 

"President Bush visited our good friends in Saudi Arabia and said the Saudis are fully enlisted in the war on terrorism. Oh, yeah. So fully, they're on both sides." --Jay Leno

 

"And the country says they are getting more progressive. For example, the king said they're considering allowing women to drive in Saudi Arabia. Well, except for Lindsay Lohan." --Jay Leno

 

"According to Google trends, this tracks what people look up on the Internet, people in the world most likely to look up homosexual activity are in Saudi Arabia. Boy, that's the ultimate dilemma for Republicans. Gays with oil. Uh-oh!" --Jay Leno