Sooner Be Blue

"The Republican race is now down to McCain and Romney. Interesting two guys, you got the guy who spent five years in a prison camp versus the guy who spent five years in the tanning booth." --Jay Leno

 

"The Florida retirees didn't go for that Mitt Romney, either. He reminded them of a guy who tries to get a hold of their nest egg. ... He reminded them of a guy who sells subdivisions in the Everglades. ... He reminded them of the guy who pitches overpriced cemetery plots. ... He reminded them of the pharmacist who doesn't accept their prescription plan." --David Letterman

 

"How sad really that Edwards is out of the race, because he had a stirring message about two Americas. It is so true, there were two Americas. One in which people were voting for Edwards because they were afraid of Hillary, and another America where people were voting for Edwards because they were afraid of Barack Obama." --Stephen Colbert

 

"President Bush said the State of the Union was good, not as good as his buddies at Exxon, but still pretty good." --Jay Leno

 

"President Bush also promoted his stimulus package, where each American will get $600. This is part of the 'You Got Screwed, But Here's Cab Fare Plan.'" --Jay Leno

 

"It was such a riveting speech, the State of the Union speech, Senator Larry Craig only took two bathroom breaks." --David Letterman

 

"About halfway through, Senator Ted Kennedy sent over a couple of drinks to the Bush twins." --David Letterman

 

"All the candidates are talking about national health care, but doctors don't want it. Doctors worry the national health care plan would drastically cut their pay. Yeah, to give you an idea how much of a pay cut doctors would have to take, they said by the year 2010, you could actually have a lot of doctors playing on public golf courses" --Jay Leno

 

"Well, we've marked the one-year-left point in the Bush presidency. Folks, I'm with you, but stop cheering. He is still allowed to touch things. I pray he doesn't have one more giant f--- up in him, because, you know, he does keep trying. He tried to screw up Social Security, right? He tried to appoint his cleaning lady to the Supreme Court. He tried to get a war cry going to attack Iran. It's not like he's going to quit. He's going to be the worst president ever to the very last minute of the very last day. ... So I'm still nervous about this last year. I have the same feeling about this last year of his in office as I have when I'm on the highway and I have to go to the bathroom and I just passed a sign that says 'Next Rest Stop: 28 miles.'" --Bill Maher

 

"Sylvester Stallone announced that he is endorsing John McCain. I think that's what he said. He might have said, 'Hand me my cane.'" --Jay Leno

 

"How about that Mitt Romney, huh? I mean, this guy looks like he'd be selling fruit dehydrators on cable. ... He looks like the guy who tells you how to buy real estate with no money down. ... He looks like a cosmetic surgeon who gets ambushed on '60 Minutes.' ... He looks like the photo that comes with the frame." --David Letterman

 

"Have you heard this story? They're trying to pass a bill now that allows politicians to insist that they be addressed by gender- neutral titles. Is that really necessary? I mean, don't we already have gender neutral titles for politicians? 'Crook,' 'liar,' 'adulterer,' 'pinhead,' 'moron,' these are all gender-neutral." --Jay Leno

 

"The government is thinking of considering charging every person who enters the United States a dollar to raise more money for border control agents. You know, we can't catch people sneaking across the border now. How are you gonna charge them a dollar? ... I got a better idea, why don't we charge American companies a buck for every job they send overseas?" --Jay Leno

 

"Today is the 171st birthday of the flush toilet. Or, as Senator Larry Craig calls it, 'the love seat'" --David Letterman

 

"How about that Mitt Romney, am I right about this guy? ... I mean, he looks like the guy on TV selling life insurance, doesn't he? ... He looks like that guy on a Father's Day ad for Norelco. ... He looks like a guy on cable urging you to tap your home equity. ... He looks like an American President in a Canadian movie. ... He looks like the medical expert in a Victoria Principal infomercial. ... He looks like the spokesman for senior lending networks. ... He looks like the guy who promises accident victims he'll get the money they deserve. ... He looks like the guy on the 'Just For Men' bottle" --David Letterman

 

"A new government study says that millions and millions of dollars of federal money is being wasted every year on frivolous and unnecessary projects. This study was two years in the making, and cost $22 million" --Jay Leno

 

"The Academy Awards were announced. It looks a lot of Oscar buzz for 'No Country For Old Men,' which I think was also John McCain's campaign slogan." --Jay Leno

 

"Another big Oscar nod for 'There Will Be Blood,' the story of a ruthless oil tycoon. Or, as Dick Cheney calls it, 'the greatest movie of all time.'" --Jay Leno

 

"Have you heard this report that Iran and Syria have been printing counterfeit $100 bills in order to ruin the U.S. economy? Hey, you're about four years too late, okay? You know, if the Iranians really want to ruin our economy, make TVs and cars. That's what the Japanese did" --Jay Leno

 

"What about that Mitt Romney? Mitt Romney. He looks like a guy who would run a seminar on condo flipping. He looks like a weekend weather man, doesn't he? He looks like the neighbor who spends way too much time on his lawn" --David Letterman