Late-night jokes recap 2/7
"Well, it's all over now. Hillary can remove the duct tape from Bill's mouth." --David Letterman
"But, by God, I wish that John McCain a great deal of luck. I'm telling you, at my age, I'm just happy to see a president who's older than I am, you know what I mean?" --David Letterman
"John McCain says that he's been tested, re-tested and tested again. And that's just his prostate." --Jay Leno
"How about that Mitt Romney? ... He looks like the guy that would approve your check at a supermarket. ... He looks like the piano player at an upscale department store. ... He looks like a guy who winks when he shakes your hand. ... He looks like a guy who is married to an over the hill actress. ... He looks like a guy who would brag about his cholesterol. ... He looks like the owner of the steakhouse who keeps interrupting dinner to find out how things are going" --David Letterman
"All the candidates are out there stumping like it's November. Do you know why campaigns call it stumping? Anybody know? You know where it comes from? It's interesting. It's called stumping because when you ask them, 'When are we getting out of Iraq,' they're stumped. 'How about health care?' They're stumped. 'The economy?' Stumped." --Jay Leno
"How about the (Super Bowl) commercials? There's some good ones. How about the one, mytalkingstain.com? ... A stain that can talk. This sounds like Bill Clinton's worst nightmare, doesn't it?" --Jay Leno
"You know what's amazing about Los Angeles? This city never fails to amaze me. Last week, Governor Schwarzenegger was in town. All the Republican candidates were here. All the Democratic candidates were here. All with secret service protection. And all put together, they still had less of a motorcade than Britney Spears going to the hospital." --Jay Leno
"How about that Mitt Romney, huh? This guy looks like a lawyer who advertises on the back of a bus. ... This guy, he looks like an American actor who's popular in Germany. ... He looks like a contractor you'd have to sue, this Mitt Romney. ... He looks like the neighbor with the neat garage, that Mitt Romney. ... You remember Mitt Romney from the '80s? He was Mr. Goodwrench." --David Letterman
"John Edwards said that even though he is out of the presidential race, he still cares for the little people. And today, to prove it, he had lunch with Dennis Kucinich." --Jay Leno
"You know what's interesting? How the GOP candidates are sniping at each other. Romney wants Huckabee to quit. Some think McCain is too liberal. Others think Romney is too conservative. Remember the good old days when the Republican Party was united against the poor?"--Jay Leno
"Well, we had President Bush's last State of the Union. ... How many saw this speech? ... When are we going to fit this guy for a helmet?" --Bill Maher
"I hope Americans learn one thing -- never again elect a black-out drinker. ... This is the guy who parks his car on the front lawn and says, 'How did that get there?'" --Bill Maher
"Hillary and Obama debated at the Kodak Theatre. The camera showed so many celebrities in the audience, I thought I was watching a Lakers game. ... Hillary and Obama. Is it just me or did they look like the local weekend news anchor team? 'Over to you, Hillary. That is a lot of puppies. Thank you.'" --Bill Maher
"This is who the Democrats brought out to Kodak Theatre -- James Bond was there, Leo DiCaprio, Diane Keaton, Steven Spielberg. Now, not to be outdone, this was who John McCain was campaigning with last week -- Wilford Brimley, the Quaker Oats dude. They are a little celebrity challenged. John McCain must have said to his staff, 'Find me someone who makes me look young. Make up a short list of people who are older than me.' And they said, 'Sir, that is a short list. Joan Rivers doesn't want to do it, and we're not sure if Abe Bagota is dead.'" --Bill Maher
"Speaking of dead, the Republicans had their debate at the Reagan Library. They opened the debate -- I couldn't make this up -- with a shot of Reagan's diary. The actual handwritten, leather-bound Reagan diary with a little key. I swear to God, Anderson Cooper said he was afraid to even touch it ... like it was something out of Harry Potter. Republicans don't want to have a debate, they want to have a seance. They want to bring back Reagan's ghost and have him run the country, hovering over your bed like Eva Longoria in that movie." --Bill Maher
"Rudy Giuliani dropped out of the race. I will miss Rudy Giuliani as a comedian. I will miss the arguments he had with Mitt Romney. It was like a Halloween costume debating a mannequin." --Bill Maher
"The other guy who dropped out last week I have the highest regards for -- John Edwards. That's his platform that they are running on. He worked his ass off. He never got enough oxygen with those two show ponies in the race. It was like being on the red carpet when George Clooney shows up." --Bill Maher
"I think Hillary is getting a little too sensitive. Like when they asked her about the surge, she said she didn't want to talk about Barack's poll numbers." --Jay Leno
"I asked my daughter who she liked for president today. She told me she likes Obama because he has big ears like Will Smith. You know, ear size is one of the key issues with young people nowadays." --Jimmy Kimmel
