Late-night jokes recap 2/13
"The GOP likes to call itself the "Big Tent Party," which would make Mike Huckabee the revivalist tent. Ron Paul would be the circus tent. And of course, John McCain is the oxygen tent." --Jay Leno
"Congratulations to presidential candidate Barack Obama. He won a Grammy for best spoken word album. Boy, there's four words you haven't heard in the same sentence in a while - 'presidential' and 'best spoken word.'" --Jay Leno
"Well, you know who he beat out? Bill Clinton. Hope this doesn't cause any tension between the two families." --Jay Leno
"Asked why he is still in the race, Mike Huckabee said, 'I have nothing else to do.' So it sounds like he really is running for vice president." --Jay Leno
"Republicans say that John McCain will be good for business. They didn't say what business, but I'm guessing probably the Scooter Store, Doan's Pills, Craftmatic Adjustable Bed, and the Miracle Ear." --Jay Leno
"As you know, Mitt Romney's campaign is dead. Although I understand why those officials just told President Bush he went to 'live on a farm.'" --Jay Leno
"How about that? Mitt Romney now has suspended his campaign. Yeah, but don't worry about Mitt. He's already gone back to playing Ridge Forrester on 'The Bold and the Beautiful.'" --David Letterman
"Hillary replaced her campaign manager - Patti Doyle was her name - and she hired in her place Maggie Williams. So, for the first time, Hillary now is juggling more women than Bill." --David Letterman
"Barack Obama won a Grammy for his audio book. He's on a roll! 'What did you do over the weekend?' 'I won four primaries and a Grammy.' ... He beat four nominees, including Bill Clinton's audio book. Barack Obama beating a Clinton? They're getting kind of used to that. ... I've heard Bill's audio book - it's not that good. it's two hours of heavy breathing." --Craig Ferguson
"How about that Mitt Romney? He looks like a doctor with a miracle cure for arthritis. ... looks like one of those guys whose cologne you smell long after he's gone. ... like a lawyer in a yellow pages ad, I'm telling you. ... Mitt Romney looks like a guy on a cruise ship who teaches your wife how to cha-cha." --David Letterman
"Fashion Week this week. Hillary Clinton was wearing her strapless pantsuit." --David Letterman
"Rudy Giuliani is announcing his own line of clothing. It comes apart at the seams." --David Letterman
"Mitt Romney threw in the monogrammed towel. That leaves McCain and Huckabee. The old guy and the preacher. Which brings up the philosophical question: Which one is closer to God?" --Jay Leno
"It looks like John McCain has gotten the nod. Of course, McCain getting a nomination, this is Rush Limbaugh's worst nightmare since the pharmacist said, "We're out of OxyContin." --Jay Leno
From David Letterman's Top Ten Reasons Mitt Romney Dropped Out Of The Presidential Race: "Apparently America is not ready for a white male president"
"John McCain was the big Republican winner. One pundit said McCain's lucky nickel was working. He carries a lucky nickel. It must be lucky - six months ago, that was his campaign war chest." --Jay Leno
"Super Tuesday elections. I had the worst trouble with the machines. I kept yanking on the lever. One time, I turned the whole thing over. ... I like to go in there and take off my pants. I hold them outside the curtain and say, "You got these in a 38? --David Letterman
"Big day for Hillary Clinton. She won in Samoa. And coincidentally that's where she's hiding Bill." --David Letterman
"Now refers to Mike Huckabee as "Mike Suckabee" --from David Letterman's Top Ten Signs John McCain Is Getting Too Cocky
