Late-night jokes recap 2/18
"Have you been watching the Roger Clemens congressional hearings? He denies being injected by his trainer. But what I thought was interesting was every time they mentioned 'buttocks,' Sen. Larry Craig swooned." --David Letterman
"Mexican President Felipe Calderon is visiting the United States. Before hand he came here, he sent his advance team ..all 12 million of them." --Jay Leno
"Supreme Court Justice Samuel Alito gave a speech in New Jersey and he condemned the show 'The Sopranos' because he says it makes New Jersey look bad. Which really isn't true - New Jersey makes New Jersey look bad." --Conan O'Brien
"President Bush has got a little less than a year left in office so he is trying to squeeze in as many free trips as he can. He's visiting Africa - this is his second trip there as a President. This time, he's going to meet with a number of key leaders including the President of Benin and the leader of Rwanda. Last time, he refused to meet anyone other than Babar, the cartoon elephant." --Jimmy Kimmel
"After John McCain swept the primaries he purposely stole a line Barack Obama's been using, 'I'm fired up and ready to go.' When Obama heard this he stole a line McCain's been using, 'I'm old and not sure where I am.'" --Conan O'Brien
"Roger Clemens testified before Congress about his alleged use of steroids and human growth hormone. There was an awkward moment when Clemens leaned on the table and it shattered." --Conan O'Brien
"Not a good night for Hillary Clinton. She got the pantsuit beaten off of her." --Jay Leno
"Barack Obama is now considered the front-runner. You know what they say, behind every successful man is a woman. Hillary was surprised to find out that it was her." --Jay Leno
"Actually they say the race between Barack and Hillary could be decided by the voters of Texas. Texas! Which is a comfort -- when it comes to providing smart politicians, Texas is the place you want to be." --Jay Leno
"Senator John McCain did very well. He swept as well. He won all his primaries. Of course the big question with McCain is his age. I don't want to say he's old, but I understand his new campaign slogan is, 'What did I come in here for again?'" --Jay Leno
"The C.I.A. has admitted to destroying videotapes of terrorist suspects being tortured. They said the reason they destroyed the videotapes was under the new agreement they didn't want to have to pay the writers residuals every time it showed up on the Internet." --Jay Leno
"Roger Clemens denied before Congress that he was ever injected with steroids or human growth hormones. Then he gave himself away when he asked for a pillow to sit on during the rest of his testimony." --Jay Leno
"How about that Mitt Romney? I'm going to miss him. He looks like the archaeologist who ignored the curse of the mummy's tomb. ... He looks like the dull fiance that Julie Roberts dumps for the co-star. ... He looks like the author of the book on seven keys to success. ... He looks like the guy who puts on a dress and wig and sneaks into the lifeboat." --David Letterman
"Roger Clemens denied using steroids, and at one point he got so angry that he snapped the Washington Monument in half like a twig." --David Letterman
"Another gift from the comedy gods: Baseball great Roger Clemens sat in front of Congress to answer questions about whether or not he used performance-enhancing drugs. Clemens says he didn't; his former trainer says he did. I might be the only one who believes them both. ... I only know this: I watched this thing for three hours and I have not heard the word buttocks used so often in congressional hearings. They're very focused on buttocks because it takes their minds off the economy and the war and all that other stuff." --Jimmy Kimmel
"Boy, talk about a black eye for baseball. Congressional investigations into Roger Clemens and the steroid use begin. And it's interesting, you know? We didn't get bin Laden but by God, we're nailing this guy." --David Letterman
"Roger Clemens testifys that a size 48 neck is completely normal." --David Letterman
"And of course Mitt Romney dropped out of the race, and I'm going to miss him. Romney looks like a guy who says to the bartender, 'If I wanted a glass of tonic, I would have ordered it.' ... Romney looks like a guy you just met who uses your first name too much. ... Mitt Romney looks like a cavalry officer who has no intention of honoring the treaty with the Apaches." --David Letterman
"Very awkward moment in the Hillary Clinton campaign today. I guess Hillary told her staff to call Democrats with money, and they called Barack Obama." --Jay Leno
"The government is going to be handing out rebate checks. We're like a bad car dealership now in this country, handing out the rebate checks. They're trying to restore confidence in the U.S. economy. The bad news - half the people want the money in euros, the other half want it in pesos." --Jay Leno
"According to a new poll, the nation's youth do not have as much faith in the federal government being able to help them in their future. Fifty percent of the young people polled said they felt the federal government would get in their way of their goals and their ambitions. The other 50 percent said they had no goals or ambitions and hoped to work for the Federal government." --Jay Leno
Scientists for the United States Army have developed a sandwich that can remain edible for three years. Well, if that doesn't get guys to re-up, nothing will. Let me tell you, that shows you how dedicated our armed forces are. I mean, the other side offers their guys, what, 72 virgins? We get a 3-year-old sandwich." --Jay Leno
