Sooner Be Blue

"Welcome to "The Tonight Show." Happy Black History Month. Did you know this is Black History Month? If Barack Obama keeps winning, it looks like Hillary could be history." --Jay Leno

"I think the only way Hillary is going to get into the White House now is by using the tunnel that Bill dug to sneak out." --Jay Leno

"Mike Huckabee's campaign is starting to taper off a little bit. Like for the big rallies, Chuck Norris just sends his stunt double." --Jay Leno

"Over in Africa, President Bush was welcomed as a hero in Tanzania. See, that's because President Bush always said one day third world countries would have the same economy as the United States and thanks to his economic plan, now they do." --Jay Leno

"The United States military is thinking about shooting down Hillary's campaign before it falls to earth and hurts somebody." --David Letterman

"How about that John McCain, though? He looks like the guy in front of you at the movies whose wife has to repeat everything, doesn't he a little bit? He looks like the guy who has to always be told something is on his chin. He looks like the guy who still has a rotary phone. He looks like the guy who backed over his own mailbox. He looks like the guy whose sweater is always misbuttoned - you know that guy? He looks like the guy that always tells you he's 72 years young. He looks like the guy who's bragged that oatmeal has lowered his cholesterol." --David Letterman

"Senator Barack Obama won the Wisconsin Democratic primary, which makes Obama the first black man to ever win a primary in Wisconsin and the first black man to ever go to Wisconsin." --Conan O'Brien

"How about this John McCain, huh? Whoa, my gosh, he looks kind of like a Wal-Mart greeter. He looks like the neighbor who says, "Oh, that dead tree is on your property," one of those guys. He's the guy who is always early for the early bird special. He looks like the guy at the supermarket who is confused by the automatic doors. He looks like the uncle who pretends to remove his thumb." --David Letterman

"Castro's retirement will not change the relationship Cuba has with the United States. Cubans will still not legally be allowed to enter the United States unless they have an overpowering fastball." --David Letterman

"Experts believe that now that Fidel has resigned, he will either be succeeded by his brother, Raul, or by his idiot son, Fidel W. Castro." --David Letterman

"He ran Cuba for almost 50 years. And political analysts are now debating what kind of changes the Cuban people will hope for. I'm gonna guess: term limits." --Jay Leno

"He was president a long time. Do you realize that when Castro came to power in 1959 John McCain was only 61 years old?" --Jay Leno

"Well, congratulations to the new nation of Kosovo. They gained their independence this week. Of course, President Bush was shocked when he heard this. He said: 'Independence? But, we haven't even invaded them yet.'" --Jay Leno

"I like John McCain. He looks like an old guy in a coffee shop who's still complaining about the designated hitter. He looks like the guy who asks the driver if he's on the right bus. He looks like the guy who's always saying, 'What was that? Nothing? That's what I thought.'" --David Letterman

"Hillary Clinton out on the campaign trail. She's very sly. You know, she's been campaigning about Black History Month, and she said today that America has come so far that a black man could one day grow up and possibly be vice president of the United States." --Jay Leno

"And Senator John McCain was on the Larry King show the other night. He and Larry got in a big argument over whose prostate was larger." --Jay Leno

"This campaign is kind of fascinating, because the three major candidates have to be very careful when they criticize each other. Like, you can't criticize Hillary. Ooh, that's sexism. You can't criticize Barack. Ooh, that's racism. And you can't go after McCain, because that's elder abuse." --Jay Leno

"Hillary Clinton's campaign is accusing Barack Obama of plagiarizing a speech by the Governor of Massachusetts. They may have a point because Barack's speech was entitled, 'I love Chowdah.'" --Conan O'Brien

"President Bush met the president of Tanzania and he gave him a pair of Shaquille O'Neal's sneakers. The president of Tanzania was thrilled and plans to use Shaq's shoes as a house for hundreds of his people." --Conan O'Brien