Sooner Be Blue

"Hey, John McCain is moving up in the polls. In fact, he appears to be getting support from younger voters. How young you say? Well, yesterday, he was endorsed by Nancy Reagan. ... She said she's either going to endorse McCain or nobody. Well, that's got to make you feel good, huh?" --Jay Leno

"As you know, Hillary Clinton coming under fire for claiming she was under fire while in Bosnia. Luckily, she was wearing her Kevlar pantsuit at the time." --Jay Leno

"No, Hillary now says that she just made an honest mistake when she said she had to duck sniper fire in Bosnia. There was no hostile fire of any kind. Although, ironically, while she was away, Bill Clinton did see some action." --Jay Leno

"Do you think this is a big deal? See, all candidates exaggerate. Remember when McCain ran in 2000? Remember that? He had to retract a claim that he had been under cannon fire from the Confederates." --Jay Leno

"Of course, this has hurt Hillary's claim that she's the candidate with the most experience. Like, when Hillary said she went to 80 countries, turns out she only wanted to go to one country, but she had booked it through Priceline.com." --Jay Leno

"It's getting nasty. Hillary and Barack really going at it. They're insulting each other, trading barbs, attacking each other's credibility. In fact, the only break they take from attacking each other is when they promise the American people, if elected, they can unite the country." --Jay Leno

"And at a speech earlier today in Sterling, Virginia, President Bush said the economy is going through a rough patch, but he's confident things will work out. Unless you own a home, own a car, have stock, or you're over 65." --Jay Leno

"The mayor of Detroit, Kwame Kilpatrick, has been charged with perjury after he got caught sending his chief of staff text messages about having sex. Yeah. He's also being investigated for having strippers at the mayor's mansion. And, of course, people are shocked. Detroit has a mayor's mansion?" --Jay Leno

"They're calling this the worst thing to come out of Detroit since the Ford Pinto." --Jay Leno

"Here is exciting news for the Spring in New York City. Ringling Brothers Circus is at Madison Square Garden. It's a tremendous show if you folks haven't been there. They have a female contortionist who is so good that Eliot Spitzer sent over a drink." --David Letterman

"I want to clarify something. Ringling Brothers is a three-ring circus. Governor and Mrs. McGreevey are a three-way circus." --David Letterman

"I'm a little upset. You know, Hillary Clinton was supposed to be our first guest tonight, but she got pinned down by sniper fire and was not able to come in." --Jay Leno

"Who would've guessed that Hillary would have more war stories than John McCain?" --Jay Leno

"Well, you know, Hillary Clinton's campaign is now saying she misspoke. She misspoke -- that's like a political word -- when she said last week that she landed under sniper fire during a trip to Bosnia as first lady. Turns out, it was gunfire on a trip to L.A. See, she got confused." --Jay Leno

"She now admits there were no snipers, yeah. And today, Bill Clinton said, 'Hey, if I knew there weren't any snipers, I wouldn't have sent her there in the first place.'" --Jay Leno

"No, Barack Obama will appear on 'The View' this Friday. Right, he thought his pastor was loud and opinionated. Oh, God. Wait 'til Joy gets hold of him." --Jay Leno

"Have you seen New Mexico Governor Bill Richardson? He supported Barack. He's now got a mustache and a goatee. Analysts say he's trying to look more Hispanic, more ethnic. They say that's one of the reasons that Obama joined the Trinity Church with the radical minister, tried to appear more black. See, white politicians can't do that. You can't try to be more white, you know. You don't see white politicians listening to Lawrence Welk, square dancing, eating Wonder Bread sandwiches, you know, hanging out with Michael Jackson, trying to be more white." --Jay Leno

"The mayor of Detroit is creating jobs. The first job he's gonna create -- new mayor of Detroit, apparently. Have you heard of this by now? Detroit Mayor Kwame Kilpatrick has been charged with perjury and lying under oath after being caught sending sexually explicit text messages to his female chief of staff. This was the most embarrassing thing to happen to a Democratic politician in, like, a week." --Jay Leno

"Well, the sad thing is, Kwame Kilpatrick was considered a rising star in the Democratic Party. Apparently, he just spent a little too much time rising."--Jay Leno

"The bad news is, he could be forced out of office. The good news is, any time you get a chance to get out of Detroit, take it." --Jay Leno

"I love this story. I saw it in the paper today. Former New York Governor Eliot Spitzer will explore whether he has an addiction to sex. Oh, shut up. Is sex really an addiction? Is it a disease? Do you think it's a disease? Huh? I mean, I've heard people call into work sick. Can you call in horny?" --Jay Leno

"And it's getting worse and worse for Governor Spitzer. Now, a Brazilian madam has come forward to say that Eliot Spitzer paid her to watch other couples have sex. You know, this whole thing could've been avoided if you put a peep hole in the lieutenant governor's office. That way, he could've watched David Paterson have his affairs and saved five grand an hour." --Jay Leno

"Actually, more revelations coming out about the new governor of New York, David Paterson. He now admits he did cocaine and marijuana. Now he comes up with that. So the first blind, black guy to be governor of New York has had a bunch of extramarital affairs, does coke and smokes dope. You sure he's governor? Doesn't he sound more like a blues singer?" --Jay Leno

"Beautiful day here in New York City. Wasn't it lovely? ... Such a nice day in New York City that the new governor of the state of New York, Governor Paterson, he was using drugs in the park." --David Letterman

"You sure can tell that it's spring because Governor and Mrs. McGreevey had a foursome with Ben and Jerry." --David Letterman

"Here's some news from Hollywood. You know Pamela Anderson? Well, she recently had her marriage annulled. ... Her marriage lasted two months. I mean, honest to God, she goes through husbands like New York goes through governors." --David Letterman

"Listen to this. Maybe you know somebody like this. A couple of 93-year-old guys living in Florida, and guess what, they're hiring prostitutes. 93 years old. ... This is what happens, by the way, when Medicare covers Viagra." --David Letterman

"Speaking of old guys, how about that John McCain? I like John McCain. He looks like the guy who gets frisky with the new waitress at IHOP. ... He looks like the guy who watches his Cadillac go through the car wash. ... He looks like the guy in the supermarket yelling into his cell phone, 'I'm in aisle three, Marge. I can't find the brownie mix.'" --David Letterman

Barack Obama called Hillary today to thank her for distracting everyone away from the whole crazy pastor thing. Obama's campaign is all about hope - hope Hillary keeps saying stupid crap and getting herself in trouble." --Craig Ferguson

"The new governor of New York is having an interesting week. David Paterson, who is legally blind, decided to air all his dirty laundry immediately, and it turns out there's a lot of it. First, he and his wife admitted to having numerous affairs. They even held a press conference last week to do it, and then last night, he talked about a history of drug use. ... One good thing about this whole Eliot Spitzer mess is, we finally found out why New York is the city that never sleeps -- everyone's too busy having sex." --Jimmy Kimmel