Late-night jokes recap 5/24
"Don't discount this Hillary, because she's nothing if not shrewd, also. These people, they are professional politicians. Don't ever forget that. Don't ever forget that. Hillary has a back-up plan. First, nothing but superdelegates. Remember when we heard all about the superdelegates? ... Well, now she has another back-up plan to get to the White House. She's going to marry John McCain." --David Letterman
"Hey, congratulations to David Cook, the American Idol. ... I believe he received an unbelievable 50 million votes ... which I think is a new record. ... In fact, he got so many votes, Hillary offered him the VP spot." --Jay Leno
"Yesterday, a group of oil company executives testified before Congress. Oil company executives talking to politicians. I believe they set a record for the most number of lies ever told in one room." --Jay Leno
"They say what's driving up the price of oil is a belief in the futures market that there will be a shortage in five years. Okay, so raise the price in five years!" --Jay Leno
"Barack Obama is now focusing on John McCain, is calling it 'a contest of the past versus the future.' How many people wish it were the future and this election was already in the past? Are you sick of it? The McCain campaign announced it will be releasing John McCain's medical records. They would have released them sooner, but it took a while to dig them up, literally. They had to have a team of archaeologists literally dig them up." --Jay Leno
"Dick Cheney gave a commencement address at the Coast Guard Academy. He really enjoyed speaking to the graduates, but his favorite part of the ceremony was water-boarding the valedictorian." --David Letterman
"Big political news this weekend. John McCain invited Louisiana's governor, Florida's governor and Mitt Romney to a barbecue at his home in Arizona, because he wants to choose one of them to be his running mate. McCain says he got the idea of choosing a running mate this way by watching 'Flavor of Love.' He's gonna hand them a rose at the end of the night." --Conan O'Brien
"Barack Obama, true story, campaigned on an Indian reservation, and the tribal chief adopted him. Yeah, adopted him, part of the ceremony. The Indians actually prefer Obama to John McCain, because they still remember when McCain took their land." --Conan O'Brien
"Well, the Democratic primaries are almost over. Next month, one of the last Democratic primaries will be held in the state of Montana. ... Barack Obama was expected to win the support of Montana's black voters, but they both moved to Idaho." --Conan O'Brien
"You know, this election is like a bad NBC show. You can't believe it's still on the air." --Jay Leno
"They showed Hillary on the news at a mall, trying on three or four different pairs of reading glasses with the tags hanging down. Apparently, she's having trouble seeing the handwriting on the wall." --Jay Leno
"Actually, did you hear Hillary's new campaign slogan? 'Hell, no, I won't go! Hell, no, I won't go!'" --Jay Leno
"And then John McCain unveiled his new slogan. 'Hey, you, get off my lawn!'" --Jay Leno
"Barack Obama visited the Crow Nation, where he was formally adopted into the tribe and given his own Indian name. His Indian name is 'One Who Helps People Throughout the Land.' Hillary Clinton also given an Indian name. 'Lady Who Doesn't Know it's Over.' And of course, John McCain was given an Indian name, 'Man who fought with Custer,' I believe. There is still a little animosity." --Jay Leno
"Barack Obama got a big endorsement last week. Senator Robert Byrd of West Virginia, who, believe it or not, is a former exulted cyclops of the KKK, no kidding around, said he will cast his superdelegate vote for Barack Obama. Not a great time for Hillary Clinton when even former Klan members are supporting Barack Obama." --Jimmy Kimmel
"President Bush was in Saudi Arabia to mark 75 years of official relations with the royal family. And 40 years of officially being screwed royally by that family. Did you see the present the royal family gave President Bush? You see what it was? ... A Schwinn. A brand new Schwinn, yeah. That pretty much says it all, doesn't it? He goes over there looking for solutions to the energy crisis, they give him a bicycle." --Jay Leno
