Late-night jokes recap 7/11
"Jesse Jackson has a bit of a scandal going on right now, which I've got to address right up front. Yeah, in case you don't know, Fox News aired video of Jesse Jackson where Jackson was caught saying he wants to cut Barack Obama's nuts off. That's what he said. By the way, for the record, this marks the nicest thing ever said about Barack Obama on Fox News." --Conan O'Brien
"Jesse 'The Nutcracker' Jackson said, he made the comments when he thought the mic was off. Well that makes it so much better, does it really! I never would have said that if I thought I was gonna get caught! Here's my question, why would Jesse Jackson ever go anywhere unless the mic was on? Right? He's Jesse Jackson!" --Jay Leno
"Jesse Jackson also said he thought Barack Obama was talking down to black people by lecturing them on things like fatherhood and being a responsible husband. Jesse thought it was insulting, not only to him, but to his former mistress and their love child." --Jay Leno
"I don't, I don't think Jesse learned his lesson, today he was overheard saying he wanted to cut off John McCain Medicare." --Jay Leno
"Now McCain is coming under fire for comments made by his top economic adviser, former senator Phil Gramm, who called America 'a nation of whiners' and said the country is only in a 'mental recession.' Just a mental recession. Like the $5 a gallon gas, and the bank kicking you out of your house -- that's all in your mind!" --Jay Leno
"This week, Iran test-fired nine missiles, and the White House said this is the sort of thing that could disrupt the Middle East peace process. Just when things were going so well. We had this big love-fest going! I hope this doesn't, ruin it, in any way!" --Jay Leno
"And, for the first time in American history, Congress's approval rating has fallen to just 9%, 9%. You don't know how bad that is - the oil companies are at 12%." --Jay Leno
"John McCain also in the news. At a campaign event yesterday, John McCain refused to answer any questions about Viagra. That's what he said. Yeah, mainly cause all the Viagra questions came from his wife, Cindy. 'We should just try, just a little.'" --Conan O'Brien
"Jesse Jackson is now apologizing to Barack Obama for some extremely crude comments he made about Obama after an interview on Fox News. Jackson didn't know the microphone was on and he said some nasty stuff. So yet another reverend Obama has to distance himself from. What is this, this guy has the worst luck with preachers of anybody I know! Oh man!" --Jay Leno
"And the African-American cable network TV One is coming under fire for its plans to cover the Democratic convention, but not the Republican convention. And believe me, black Republicans are very upset -- both of them." --Jay Leno
"This is what I love about America. According to a new report, after people started getting their government stimulus checks in the mail, internet porn sites had a 30% increase. You know what that means? People use their stimulus package to stimulate their packages." --Jay Leno
"The Democratic party announced this week that Barack Obama will give his acceptance speech at an 80,000-seat stadium, and that they will not serve fried food at the Democratic convention. Those are the two things they announced. Yeah, which begs the question: where are they gonna find 80,000 Americans who don't eat fried food? It's not gonna happen." --Conan O'Brien
"See, that shows you the difference between the two parties, the Democrats have nothing fried, the Republicans like everything covered in oil, so you have a real choice." --Jay Leno
"Well, happy birthday to President Bush, he turned 62 last Sunday. 62 years old. ... He is now twice his approval rating, that's amazing." --Jay Leno
"President Bush was in Japan for the big G-8 summit. The G-8 Summit is where the world's top economies get together. The bad news -- we are no longer one of them." --Jay Leno
"Yeah. Actually there was one embarrassing moment for the President at the G-8 Summit, they asked him if he supported alternative drilling, and he said he was fine with them as long as they don't get married." --Jay Leno
"Actually, you know what's interesting, here's some interesting political trivia for you. The last time that the Democrats had their convention in Denver was when they nominated William Jennings Bryant in 1908. And coincidentally, you know who the Republican nominee was that year? John McCain. It's amazing." --Jay Leno
"Barack Obama is campaigning very hard, going everywhere these days to get the vote out. Barack Obama's staff recently announced that Barack is planning to hold a campaign event at a NASCAR race. Yeah. The event will be called 'Meet your first black guy.'" --Conan O'Brien
"McCain, of course, also out there. In Denver, a 60 year-old woman was kicked out of a John McCain rally for heckling him. Yeah, afterwards McCain said 'I'm just not popular with young women.'" --Conan O'Brien
"Hey, big scare today for Barack Obama. His airplane had to make an unscheduled landing because of mechanical problems. While the pilot was steering to the left the plane was apparently drifting to the right, nobody could really quite figure out what was happening " --Jay Leno
"And Barack Obama is now denying that he is email pals with the beautiful actress, Scarlett Johansson. Remember that story? They were saying that Scarlett Johansson and Barack Obama were emailing each other. He says no, it's not true. In fact his exact words were 'I did not have textual relations with that woman.'" --Jay Leno
"And here's a comment many people are calling racist, this is a stupid thing to say, it seems a Republican party operative, a man named Grover Norquist, told the LA Times that Barack Obama was just John Kerry with a tan. That's what he said, stupid thing, that's what he said. Well using that logic, if Barack Obama is John Kerry with a tan, then John McCain is George Bush with an enlarged prostate." --Jay Leno
"Actually, speaking of John McCain, I thought this was nice, John McCain went to North Carolina last week to visit 89 year-old evangelical legend, the Reverend Billy Graham, and he was frail and confused and couldn't visit for long. But Billy Graham looked great ... very sharp." --Jay Leno
"And President Bush, trying to get up to speed on this energy crisis, and not a moment too soon, this guy is on top of everything. But Bush said now he's not just for offshore drilling, but now he says he's looking for other alternatives -- like today he supports drilling for solar energy, see I don't think he quite understands, I think he's a little confused" --Jay Leno
"Over the Fourth of July, did you hear this, President Bush gave a speech at the home of former president Thomas Jefferson. That's right, yeah. Yeah, there was an awkward moment when President Bush said 'I'd like to salute both President Thomas Jefferson and his wife Wheezy.'" --Conan O'Brien
"China has announced that they're shutting down several of their largest factories for the rest of the summer -- so that there will be less pollution for the Olympics. Chinese officials say: 'Sorry, but for the next few months, you're going to have to buy your lead-coated toys somewhere else." --Conan O'Brien
