Sooner Be Blue

 

"McCain said he'd balance the budget by the end of the year, and Barack Obama said he'd would bring peace between Israel and the Palestinians. I don't know who not to believe." -Jay Leno

 

"Well, here's the latest on John Edwards' vice presidential chances. Too much vice, not enough presidential. Have you heard this story? The mainstream media is now starting to report on a story that was first broken by the National Enquirer this week. The National Enquirer claimed they caught John Edwards visiting his mistress at 2:40 in the morning at the Beverly Hills hotel Monday night. And when a team of reporters confronted him, he ran and hid in the men's room! And you know who was in there? Senator Larry Craig. What are the odds?" -Jay Leno

 

"Oh, the price of oil has dropped to under $125 a barrel for the first time in two months. And gasoline is down six cents a gallon. You know what this means. The White House will call for an emergency bailout to help the struggling oil companies. 'We got to stop the bleeding!'" --Jay Leno

 

"When Barack Obama was in the Mideast he met with the Israelis, also met with the Palestinians. But not to steal the spotlight, John McCain also had a very busy day. He spent the entire day in the waiting room of Just Tires. But later he went to the park and played checkers with Ed Koch." --David Letterman

 

"It was time for the most anticipated event on Senator Obama's itinerary: his speech in Berlin. And so, at 7pm local time, a crowd of over 200,000 gathered to listen to Barack Obama. There was dancing, there was the climbing of lampposts to gaze upon the junior senator from Illinois and, of course, the requisite [flag waving]. Hay, I don't want to say anything, but I think your American flags are broken. They're not on fire. When was the last time you saw that overseas? You know, I've got to tell you. There's something about a charismatic leader rallying huge crowds of Germans in a large public square." --Jon Stewart

 

"While Obama was speaking to 100,000 adoring fans in Germany, McCain made his own impressive German appearance [on screen: McCain with Senator Lindsey Graham after a meal at Schmidt's Sausage Haus]." --Stephen Colbert

 

"Well, actually, history shows it's pretty easy to get a big crowd of Germans together. The problem comes when they start marching." --Jay Leno

 

"Hey, have you heard John McCain's new campaign slogan? 'Hey guys! I'm over here!' Not a lot happening. You can tell McCain is starting to get a little desperate to get publicity. In fact, last night he was photographed leaving A-Rod's hotel room at 2:00 in the morning." --Jay Leno

 

"NBC News defended their coverage of Barack Obama. They've been accused of giving him more favorable treatment than John McCain. And today NBC News denied it. They said, 'That's ridiculous, we've never even heard of John McCain.'" --Jay Leno

 

"Now, you know, I don't want to say McCain is running a lackluster campaign, but his Secret Service code name is 'Bob Dole.' That's not good." --Jay Leno

 

"After a quick meet-and-greet with King Abdullah, Obama was off to Israel, where he made a quick stop at the manger in Bethlehem where he was born." --Jon Stewart, on Barack Obama's Middle East trip

 

"Hey, did you see [Barack Obama] playing basketball with our troops in Iraq? Did you see that one shot he made from 40 feet? 40 feet. Let me tell you something. If shooting baskets now is a requirement to be president, a white guy may never have that job again." --Jay Leno

 

"Barack Obama is very popular in the Middle East. I guess a lot of people over there saw the cover of the New Yorker." --Jay Leno

 

"Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi is calling the Bush presidency a total failure. Total failure. I don't know, I think he's done okay. I think he's done okay if you don't count Iraq, the economy, the environment, Afghanistan, the mortgage crisis. I think he's done all right..." --David Letterman

 

"Well, Nation, you've all heard the news. Jesus has returned to earth on a spaceship, cured cancer, and won the British Open. Did no one hear about that? Oh, maybe it's because Barack Obama decided to go backpacking overseas with a couple of his friends. You probably know his friends by their professional name: The entire media." --Stephen Colbert

 

"See Barack Obama on the news? He's becoming a workout fanatic. He is at the gym, like, twice a day. Sometimes three times a day at the gym. Yeah, according to his staff. Well, he has to stay in shape to do those flip-flops. Those are not easy, believe me!" --Jay Leno

 

"Hey, do you like celebrity birthdays? Here's one, Senator Larry Craig from Idaho. Do you remember Senator Larry Craig? Happy Birthday, Senator Larry Craig. 63 years old on Sunday. So happy birthday. He has a big party planned. Earlier today, he shoved invitations under all the stalls. But if you are going to Larry Craig's birthday party, it is easy to find the party, just look for the airport men's room with the balloons" --David Letterman