Late-night jokes recap 8/10
"Well, Barack Obama and John McCain have both switched their positions on offshore oil drilling. They both used to be against it, but now they say they are for it under the right circumstances, like if it helps them get elected." --Jay Leno
"The big presidential debates coming up. Are we still excited about that? Barack Obama wants to debate about foreign policy, and John McCain wants to debate about the big band era." --David Letterman
"Since Congress went on recess, oil prices have dropped to $118 a barrel. That's, like, a $30 drop from the record high. You know, maybe Congress should take more vacations, huh? You ever notice, whenever these people leave town, things just seem to get better." --Jay Leno
"Actually, analysts say a weak economy is causing less energy use, resulting in falling oil prices. Yeah. Basically, the worse the economy, the lower the oil prices. Which means if Bush could serve one more term, oil would be free." --Jay Leno
"Hey, you see John McCain was at the country's biggest motorcycle rally. He was in Sturgis, South Dakota. You know, where all the Harley guys go? McCain showed up in a customized Rascal scooter." --Jay Leno
"Today, the moderators were announced for the upcoming presidential debates. Good, yeah. Apparently, Barack Obama insisted on someone who asks even-handed, probing questions, while John McCain insisted on someone who will talk into his good ear." --Conan O'Brien
"John McCain does not want Dick Cheney to attend the Republican Convention, because he says he's too unpopular. Yeah, and when asked to comment, Cheney said, 'I hope the senator reconsiders.' Then he turned into a bat and flew away." --Conan O'Brien
"They say John McCain is 71, but people are saying he may be older. No one knows for sure because his birth certificate was destroyed when the Wagon Train was attacked." --David Letterman
"China has announced that during the Olympics, protesters will be allowed to assemble in designated protest areas. Yeah. Or, as they're commonly called in China, jails." --Conan O'Brien
"Barack Obama has agreed to debate John McCain three times this fall. Both candidates have conditions. Obama wants the debates to be held on college campuses. McCain wants them to be held before 7:00 p.m." --Conan O'Brien
"Congress went on a five-week vacation starting today. And boy, they deserve it. Don't they? They got so much done this year: solved the energy crisis, health care, Social Security, immigration. Whew! Take a break, fellows." --Jay Leno
"You ever notice that Congress doesn't even call it a vacation? You know what they call it? A recess. You ever notice the only people that get recess are Congress, kindergarten and juries? Those are the only three." --Jay Leno
"I don't know if you noticed this. Last week, House Speaker Nancy Pelosi turned the lights out on Congress while the Republicans were talking. She killed the microphones and turned the lights off. Yeah, yeah. The Republicans called this outrageous, except, of course, for Senator Larry Craig, who called it romantic." --Jay Leno
"Oh, you hear about this? Here you go. Paris Hilton's mother is very upset because John McCain has put Paris in his campaign video. She's furious. Isn't that amazing? Of all the videos Paris Hilton has been in, this is the one mom's upset about?" --Jay Leno
"Oh, and the McCain campaign has accused Barack Obama of being elitist and using the race card. Yeah, yeah. The Obama campaign accused McCain of being old and using the Discover card." --Jay Leno
"Yesterday, President Bush announced there are going to be some big changes in intelligence in the White House. Yeah, he's leaving." --Jay Leno
"They say Barack Obama could decide to go with another woman. See that's what killed John Edwards' chances of being VP, he decided to go with another woman." --Jay Leno
"As you know, the McCain campaign ran that commercial where they're comparing Barack Obama to various Hollywood celebrities. And as you know, if there's one thing the Republicans will not stand for, it's electing some Hollywood celebrity to public office. Except for Ronald Reagan, Fred Thompson, Arnold Schwarzenegger, Clint Eastwood -- you know, except for those." --Jay Leno
"In a new report by the Center for Immigration Studies, researchers report that the number of illegal immigrants in the U.S. is down by 11 percent, and a lot of them are returning home. See, that's when you know the economy is bad, when illegal immigrants are fleeing to Mexico for a better way of life!" --Jay Leno
"Some good unemployment news, President Bush will be out of work soon." --Jimmy Kimmel
