Late-night jokes recap 8/2
"Have you seen the new commercial? The McCain campaign compares Barack Obama to Britney Spears and Paris Hilton. And today the Obama campaign released an ad comparing John McCain to Zsa Zsa Gabor and Bea Arthur." --Jay Leno
"McCain is not backing down. He's defending the commercial, where he compared Barack Obama to Paris Hilton, as being 'all talk and little action.' That's what he said. Like Paris, Barack Obama is all talk and little action. Really? Has he seen her sex video? There is no talk. It is all action." --Jay Leno
"A new campaign ad from John McCain unfavorably compares Barack Obama and Britney Spears. Reporters tried to contact McCain to get a response to this criticism, but they couldn’t get a hold of him. He was busy having his dinner on a TV tray watching 'Jeopardy.'" --David Letterman
"Barack Obama told Tom Brokaw, the other day, what he's looking for in a vice president is someone who would tell him when he’s wrong. Wouldn't Hillary be the best candidate? She's been telling him he's been dead wrong since the beginning on this." –Jay Leno
"There's excitement in the air over the Olympics...also lead, arsenic, benzene." --David Letterman
"The Olympics start next week. For some reason, they're having them in Beijing, and the government right now is very hard at work trying to cover up all the horrible things they do in that country every day. It's like when your mom comes to visit your dorm." --Jimmy Kimmel
"It looks like Hillary Clinton still has a shot at being vice president. Yeah, if John McCain picks her." --Jay Leno
"The latest politic gossip is that Hillary Clinton is not particularly high on Barack Obama's vice presidential list. In fact, turns out she's somewhere between the Reverend Wright and Jesse Jackson." --Jay Leno
"And according to the TV show 'Extra,' former vice president Dan Quayle, remember him? He's in the running to join the cast of 'Dancing with the Stars.' That's true, Dan Quayle, you remember, he was vice president under the first George Bush. See, that was back in the day when the president was smart and the vice president was an idiot. Now, of course, everything's turned around" --Jay Leno
"Time magazine says that many top Republicans are worried that lately, John McCain has been taking too negative a tone. When he heard this, McCain said, 'Shut your piehole.' Good for him." --Conan O'Brien
"I don't like this silent picking thing. I think Obama should pick his vice president the old-fashioned way -- put 16 candidates in a mansion, make out with them in a hot tub and eliminate them one-by-one." --Jimmy Kimmel
"Heard about this group called 'Prayer at the Pump'? There are prayer groups that are springing up, and they go to gas stations and they hold hands and they pray for lower gas prices. Otherwise known as the Bush energy plan." --Jay Leno
"Now you think I'm exaggerating, but they had a practice today in Beijing for the Olympics and a javelin thrower threw the javelin up into the air and it stuck." --David Letterman
"While Barack Obama was campaigning in Germany, he spoke to a half million people in Germany, a half million people. And while he was doing that, John McCain, he wasn't laying around, no, no, John McCain was out driving in his driveway and he backed over the mailbox." --David Letterman
"The mayor of Denver announced if people at the Democratic Convention sleep in his park, he will turn the sprinklers on them. And he said if John Edwards and his girlfriend show up, he will turn the hose on them. So, there you go." --Jay Leno
"There's a million of these jokes. Poor John McCain. The media is so in love. They're all over Barack Obama. And McCain can't get any media attention. Did you see what McCain did today? He kept getting in and out of his limo today with no underwear on, just to get the photographers." --Jay Leno
"Yesterday, federal immigration officials arrested 43 illegal immigrants from Mexico in Hawaii! In Hawaii! How lost were they? Boy! And today, President Bush called for building a fence around Hawaii." --Jay Leno
