Sooner Be Blue

"U.S. Treasury Secretary Henry Paulson tried to calm growing fears, vowing that the U.S. financial markets will remain stable. And he said, 'You can take that to the bank, assuming you can find one that's still open.'" --Jay Leno

"Experts say we're going through what's known as a lock, stock and barrel financial phase. You know what that is, and how that works? People are locked out of their homes, their stocks are worthless, and the oil companies have us over a barrel. That's how it works." --Jay Leno

"The presidential election now down to the choice of Barack Obama and what's his name, versus Sarah Palin and what's his name." --Jay Leno

"I'm not sure if Sarah Palin knows what to do about the economy either. Do you think she has any experience? She was asked today what to do in a bear market. And she said, 'Well, you should shoot it, then skin it.'" --Jay Leno

"But John McCain campaign said that Sarah Palin will not talk to the media, this is a quote, until reporters can address her with respect and deference. Oh, what is she running for, vice president or queen?" --Jay Leno

"I tell you, you know who's got to be depressed about all of this? Hillary Clinton. I mean, look at this woman. She works hard, goes to Wellesley, goes to Yale, graduates with honors, devotes her entire life to public service. Now she's starting to realize if she had just put on some makeup and shot a moose, she'd be on her way to the White House." --Jay Leno

"A weird thing came out of the John McCain campaign. An adviser to John McCain ... claimed that McCain helped create the BlackBerry. That's what he said, yeah. Or, as McCain calls it, 'the fancy garage door opener.'" --Conan O'Brien

"Vice Presidential nominee Sarah Palin today said she thinks the economy needs some shaking up and some fixin'. I'm pretty sure is also her recipe for oven-baked chicken." --Jimmy Kimmel

"This weekend, Karl Rove said John McCain's attack ads have gone too far. When Karl Rove says you've gone too far, that's like Mel Gibson saying you’ve had too much to drink." --Craig Ferguson

"Both presidential candidates reacted to the market turmoil. Barack Obama laid out a detailed five-part plan, but John McCain's plan is much simpler. He’s just going to have his wife fix it." --Craig Ferguson

"For some reason, the Secret Service revealed this, that Sarah Palin's Secret Service code name is 'Denali.' Turns out 'Denali' is an old Eskimo name that means 'Dan Quale.'" --Jay Leno

"And of course, August was a big month for the campaigns. Barack Obama set a record for fundraising in August, raised $66 million. John McCain raised $47 million. And Ralph Nader got a $10 gift card from Jamba Juice." --Jay Leno

"And according to the Associated Press, Sarah Palin's church in Alaska is promoting a conference that promises to convert gays into heterosexuals through the power of prayer. They call it 'Pray away the gay.' ... I'm not making it up. That's the name of it. That's the name of the sermon, 'pray away the gay.' Hey, it's a lot better than the original title, 'think outside the box.'" --Jay Leno

"The Washington Post reported this week that Sarah Palin billed taxpayers in Alaska for travel expenses for 312 nights she spent in her own home. You know, maverick style." --Amy Poehler

"Well, here's a great scandal. Federal investigators say that members of the Bush administration who were in charge of overseeing billions of dollars in oil royalties received gifts and had illicit sex with oil company employees. They actually had sex with the oil company employees. You know, when the Republicans said, 'drill everywhere,' I had no idea." --Jay Leno

"Senator Larry Craig, you all remember Larry Craig, America's favorite restroom enthusiast. Well, he, somehow, he got a Minnesota court to hear an appeal of his case involving soliciting gay sex in an airport men's room. Unfortunately, the court recessed for a ten-minute bathroom break, and he got arrested again." --Jay Leno

"Larry Craig's lawyer told a three-judge panel in Minnesota that the foot tapping in a men's room must be protected under the first amendment right to free speech. Boy, the Republicans using the Constitution? When was the last time you saw that happen?" --Jay Leno

"No, that's what the lawyer said. The lawyer said, 'foot tapping in the men's room was a form of protected expression, like dancing.' Like dancing? Shut up! This guy is lord of the toilet dance now, apparently." --Jay Leno

"Because of Sarah Palin, people are now asking the question: is she ready to be president? Is Sarah Palin ready to be president? If, God forbid, something happens to John McCain, is Sarah Palin ready to be president? I don't think we need to worry about that, because Bush has lowered the bar so tremendously." --David Letterman

"Reporters asked her if she could ever be president and commander-in-chief. They asked Sarah Palin. Finally got a hold of her...Sarah Palin said, 'Yeah, sure, you betcha!' Does that make any sense?" --David Letterman

"The government is spending, what, $200 billion to bail out Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac. Unemployment, five-year high. Foreclosures are at a 19-year high. This means the Democrats are going to have to work extra hard over the next few weeks to blow this election." --Jay Leno

They say that John McCain's biggest challenge is to convince people that he's not George W. Bush. Hey, just the fact he went to Vietnam shows he's not George W. Bush." --Jay Leno

"Oh, got a little testy on the campaign trail today. A reporter asked John McCain if he ever Googled Sarah Palin, and McCain said, 'Hey, you take your filthy mouth, and get out of here!' There is no room for that kind of talk." --Jay Leno