Late-night jokes recap 9/21
"Earlier this week in Colorado, Barack Obama gave a speech in the middle of a rodeo ring. Yeah. Obama began his speech by saying, “Hello, I am what is known as a black guy.”" --Conan O'Brien
"While he was in Florida, John McCain answered the questions that were on the minds of a lot of seniors, like “What’s for dinner?” “Is it going to be too spicy?” “If I go outside, will I need a sweater?”" --Jay Leno
"Somebody hacked into vice presidential candidate Sarah Palin’s e-mail account and posted it all online. Apparently, the hacker was able to figure out her password, which turned out to be “bible hockey lipstick gun.”" -- Jimmy Kimmel
"This week, someone hacked into Sarah Palin’s Yahoo! account and read her e-mails. Yeah. Yeah, reading Palin’s e-mail is a great way to hear what she has to say without having to listen to her voice." --Conan O'Brien
"The stock market crashed this week, but market analysts are not calling it a crash. They're calling it a 'correction.' Oh, shut up! A correction. You never hear that at NASCAR. 'Oh, we had a fiery correction on turn three. Four men are dead.'" --Jay Leno
"I swung by my bank today to make a withdrawal. It’s now a nail salon, so that is not a good sign." --Jay Leno
"And another day, another federal bailout. This is unbelievable to me. The Federal Reserve has just loaned the AIG Insurance Company $85 billion to keep it afloat. $85 billion. That is almost as much money as Barack Obama raised in Beverly Hills." --Jay Leno
"Let me ask you, why are we bailing out an insurance company? I mean, what's the first thing an insurance company does when you have a loss? They cancel your policy, right? That's what we should do, cancel their policy. 'Ooh, sorry, you're too much of risk.'" --Jay Leno
"And AIG has assets of over $1 trillion. Not billion, $1 trillion. How do you have $1 trillion and still get into financial trouble?" --Jay Leno
"You know? I mean, I understand if you're living in a dumpster, rooting through trash cans, you need a couple bucks, okay. But if you have $1 trillion, don't hit me up for a loan. Think about it. Has anybody ever had $1 trillion and still failed? Okay, besides the New York Yankees." --Jay Leno
"You know, what happened to the old days when we had corporations we could trust, like Enron and WorldCom? Where are those blue chip companies?" --Jay Leno
"President Bush has a plan to get us out of this financial mess. It takes place in January when he leaves office, that's the first step." --Jay Leno
"I had a great dinner last night. Put on a Barbra Streisand CD, ordered Domino's, saved $28,488. Last night, Barack Obama hosted a dinner with Barbra Streisand singing. It was $28,500 a plate. $28,500 a plate! But, to be fair, that did include an all-you-can-eat salad buffet. That was included. I guess the food was pretty exotic. The main course was roasted pig in a lipstick glaze." --Jay Leno
"See, that's the problem in this country. You see, Washington is out of touch with the common people. They have no idea what regular people are doing or thinking on a regular basis. You know, just this morning, I was telling that to my valet, Alejandro, as he was putting the toothpaste on my brush for me." --Jay Leno
"Everybody is trying to find out more about Sarah Palin. Everybody is trying to find out who she is. This is the latest. This week, true story, someone was able to hack into Sarah Palin's Yahoo! email account because she hadn't taken the proper security measures. Yeah. So, folks, it's official. No one in the Palin family uses protection. This is a problem. It starts with mom." --Conan O'Brien
"Barack Obama had a big night last night, he attended a fundraiser headlined by Barbra Streisand that raised $9 million. $9 million. Yeah. It's big. This was historic. This was historic, this is the most money raised in one night, and it's the first time a black man has ever attended a Barbra Streisand concert." --Conan O'Brien
"John McCain's wife, Cindy, is angry. She lashed out at the ladies of 'The View' after the McCains appeared on the show. The McCains were on the show and then Cindy McCain is mad now. In response, Barbara Walters said, 'She's just mad because I dated her husband during the Civil War.'" --Conan O'Brien
"The big news story today is Sarah Palin. Every day, Sarah Palin. And it is not exactly hard-hitting stuff. I haven’t seen the media fawn over a celebrity this much since -- Barack Obama." --Craig Ferguson
"But the dirt is beginning to come out. Apparently, one of Sarah's first acts as Governor of Alaska was getting a tanning bed installed in the governor’s mansion. The Republican Party is okay with it, which is weird, because usually they ask themselves, 'How can we make our candidate more white?'" --Craig Ferguson
