Late-night jokes recap 9/25/08
"John McCain's vice presidential nominee, Sarah Palin, went to the United Nations today for the first time. Yeah, how about that? Up til now, most of her knowledge about foreign countries came from watching the 'Amazing Race.' ... She met with the presidents of Afghanistan, Colombia and Iraq. She was excited because these are all countries you can't see from Alaska." --Jay Leno
"Sarah Palin says she was very impressed with all of the landmarks in New York City. As they were driving over the Hudson River, she said, 'Wow! Your bridges actually go somewhere!'" --Jay Leno
"And you know, you can tell Sarah Palin is not really used to New York City. Like, today, she saw five rats, force of habit, skinned them for the pelts." --Jay Leno
"Earlier today, Governor Sarah Palin held a meeting with several leaders from other countries to showcase her foreign policy expertise. That's right, yeah. Experts say the meeting took 90 seconds." --Conan O'Brien
"More bad news from President Bush. Remember those rebate checks from a few months ago? He wants them back. We need to give that money to rich people on Wall Street. They need it more than you do." --Jay Leno
"The economy is in big trouble, but the Bush administration is now running it. So finally some good news." --David Letterman
"John McCain is introducing his running mate, Sarah Palin, to the world leaders over at the United Nations. And it was nice. It looked like Bring Your Daughter to Work Day." --David Letterman
"By the way, as the campaign goes on, we’re learning more and more about Senator John McCain, who apparently has 13 cars. But he can’t remember where he parked any of them." --David Letterman
"This is what I love about this whole thing. This is what Congress said today. 'The days of getting money just for the asking are over.' And then they asked for $700 billion. See, you know the way a bailout works? Here's the way a bailout works. A failed president and a failed Congress invest $700 billion of your money in failed businesses. Believe me, this can't fail." --Jay Leno
"And Governor Sarah Palin said, yes, she did watch Tina Fey portray her in that skit on Saturday Night Live, but she said she watched it with the volume turned down. Oh shut up! That's right up there with all the other political phrases, isn't it? Remember Clinton's, 'I smoked, but I didn't inhale'? John Kerry, 'I was for it before I was against it,' and John McCain's, 'I've fallen and I can't get up.'" --Jay Leno
"The federal government, you know them, they announced a plan to spend, like, a trillion of taxpayer dollars to buy out bad mortgages and debt. Wall Street was surprisingly enthusiastic about the plan to save their asses with other peoples' money. It was either that, or Sarah Palin's idea to sell it all on eBay." --Bill Maher
"The other financial genius, John McCain, said the fundamentals of our economy are strong, and next thing you know he wanted to fire the head of the SEC -- except you can't as president fire the SEC chairman, it's a non-governmental job. Sarah Palin said today one more gaffe from McCain, and she's going to drop him from the ticket." --Bill Maher
"Can you imagine if she was president right now? They hacked into her email account. She couldn't even keep that safe. Somebody hacked into her Yahoo! email account. They don't know who did it. They know it's someone who understood technology and was interested in her background. So we can rule out McCain." –Bill Maher
"Oh, I kid John McCain. He doesn't understand this stuff too well. They told him her firewall had been breached, and he said, she had another baby?" --Bill Maher
"These financial shenanigans that have been going on…like I was reading that they're now putting an end to something called short selling, which is when you borrow stock that you don't own, and sell it, hoping that it will go down so that you can buy it back at a profit. This was legal, but pot smoking isn't?" –Bill Maher
"Morgan Stanley today was looking for a merger partner on eHarmony. I'm telling you. You know these Sunni militias in Iraq that we're bribing not to shoot at us? Now they want to be paid in Euros." --Bill Maher
"Financial experts are saying we are entering a new chapter in the American economy. I believe it's Chapter 11." --Jay Leno
"To give you an idea how bad the American economy is, Mexico is now calling for a fence along the border. Stay on your side!" --Jay Leno
"And at a rally in Florida today, Barack Obama was interrupted by protesters called Blacks Against Obama. They all drove there together in the same car, a Mini Cooper, if I'm not mistaken." --Jay Leno
"Actually, the members of Blacks Against Obama, pretty serious group. Although not nearly as militant as Bathroom Attendants Against Larry Craig." --Jay Leno
"President Bush has issued a new warning to Iran that it faces new economic sanctions, after reports by the UN Atomic Watchdog Committee that Iran is still enriching uranium. President Bush promising new economic sanctions. And believe me, if there's one thing the president is an expert on, it is ruining a country's economy." --Jay Leno
