Sooner Be Blue

"You're here on a good night. So far, none of our guests have cancelled. By the way, if you had a chance to get to Central Park today, did you see that David Blaine, you know what I'm talking about, the street magician. Here was a guy who was hanging for 60 hours in Central Park. And overnight, they left him. He was just hanging there. ... It's the same thing McCain did to me last night." --David Letterman

 

"I felt bad about this. Because we were all ready to go with John McCain and with an hour to go, he cancels. I felt bad about it. I was thinking about this, John, John, here's how it works. You don't come to see me? Well, we might not see you on Inauguration Day." --David Letterman

 

"That's how it works. Yeah, McCain got out of last night's show. I wasn't so lucky. But McCain wants the presidential debate postponed until after the big government bailout, you know. Sarah Palin wants the vice presidential debate postponed until after the election. But that's a different deal." --David Letterman

 

"President Bush met with John McCain and Barack Obama. McCain showed up without his running mate, Sarah Palin, which is a shame because she has a lot of experience with banking and financial matters. You know, she lives right next to a bank." --Jimmy Kimmel

 

"Hey, you probably heard John McCain suspended his presidential campaign to focus on the financial crisis. Well, you had to kind of expect this might happen. For a man his age, it's difficult to maintain an election." --Jimmy Kimmel

 

"I listened to President Bush's speech. I think I understand this whole economic crisis. See, rich people on Wall Street made a big mess. And they're too rich to clean it up. So the rest of America, you know, their maids and butlers, they have to clean it up for them. You see how easy it is?" --Jay Leno

 

"As far as this $700 billion bailout is concerned, they keep saying 'we have to act now, we have to act now.' It's like a bad TV offer. Just ten easy payments of $70 billion each, operators are standing by, but you have to act now!" –Jay Leno

 

"Actually, when Senator John McCain got personally involved in the bailout yesterday. Did you hear about this? Oh, it was unbelievable. John McCain was supposed to be a guest on David Letterman's show last night. And an hour before he was supposed to be on, he called Dave. Now, you never cancel an hour before. But he called and said, 'I got to get back to Washington. I'm on my way to the airport right now.' And Letterman was very gracious about it. So the guest dropped out at the last minute. I thought Letterman was very gracious. Then during Dave's show, they noticed on the feed McCain is in another building across the street doing an interview with Katie Couric when he's supposed to be with Letterman. Let me tell you, lying to the American people, that's one thing. But when you lie to a talk show host, there is no more heinous crime in this country." --Jay Leno

 

"And you know, John McCain wanted to suspend his debate with Barack Obama until the economic crisis is over. And Sarah Palin now wants to suspend her debate with Joe Biden until she can find Europe on a map. So we'll see what happens there." --Jay Leno

 

"Of course, everyone still talking about Sarah Palin. A Florida congressman has sparked a big controversy by saying Sarah Palin doesn't care about Jews or black people. Yeah. Palin insists that's not true, and says Alaska has one of each." --Conan O'Brien

 

"And then, after McCain canceled being on the show, he rushed right back to Washington to deal with the economic crisis, and I thought, whoa, well, he sure nipped that in the bud, didn't he?" --David Letterman

 

"Yup, John McCain said to me the economy 'is about to crater.' You folks worried about the economy? Whoo! Not me. Not me. I’ve got all my money in second-hand FEMA trailers." --David Letterman

 

"Oh, but Sarah Palin, you know, was at the U.N., and she was a big hit. She's over there meeting all of the world leaders. She's still learning who the world leaders are. Right now, she thinks that Warren Buffett is the head of Margaritaville." --David Letterman

 

"And she was at the General Assembly, Sarah Palin was, and somebody said, 'Look, over there, that's the president of Georgia.' And she said, 'Wow, Jimmy Carter?' And then she said, 'Boy, I hope I get to meet Queen Latifa.'" --David Letterman

 

"Sarah Palin was in New York City this week. While she was here, her family took the ferry to visit the Statue of Liberty. When she saw the ferry, Palin said: 'Can’t we build a bridge to that thing? It would be easier to get there.'" --Conan O'Brien

 

"No, no, he said he'd like to postpone the presidential debate until he's, you know, ahead in the polls." --Jay Leno

 

"In fact, right after he announced that, Sarah Palin said, 'That's okay, I don't really need him anyway.'" --Jay Leno

 

"In fact, his speech was a special episode of 'The Biggest Loser.' Yeah, it was good." --Jay Leno

 

"Do you even understand this Bush economic plan? Do you understand how it works? See, here's how it works. When you screw up, you pay. When they screw up, you pay! Yeah, actually very simple." --Jay Leno

 

"Some financial analysts are saying we're bailing out institutions with money we don't have, which makes the dollar even more worthless. In fact, today, God said, 'Could you take my name off the bill?" --Jay Leno

 

"Senator Chris Dodd said that the bailout plan would put the Constitution at risk, to which Bush said, 'Oh, please, we haven't used that old thing in years.'" --Jay Leno

 

"And all this week, the McCain campaign is trying to prevent Sarah Palin from talking to reporters covering the news, you know? They said, 'you can take her picture, but you can't ask her any questions.' What is she running for, vice president or 'America's Next Top Model'?" --Jay Leno

 

It's a very exciting time here in New York City. Yesterday Sarah Palin took some time away from real America to visit New York City. Her team of mushers safely escorted her through the ravenous throng of sodomites, Jews and media elites to get her foreign policy ticket punched with photo-ops with Henry Kissinger, Colombia's Alvaro Uribe, and Afghanistan's Hamid Karzai. Did you know he just had a baby? [on screen: Palin asking Karzai what the name of his new baby is -- Mirwais -- and that it means 'light of the house']. 'Mirwais, huh? What a weird name. My son is named Track. It means something you run around.'" --Jon Stewart