Late-night jokes recap 10/26/08
[Some of the late-night shows have been in re-runs]
"The Homeland Security Department said it will not meet a 2012 deadline set by Congress to scan the contents of every cargo container headed to US ports. 'Thanks for the heads up,' said terrorists." --Amy Poehler
"It wasn't such a great day for John McCain, who got some support today from an unwanted group. Al Qaeda picked him as their choice for president. Al Qaeda made this announcement on their website, which begs the question: al Qaeda has a website? Can't we use it to find them?" --Craig Ferguson
"In this election, Obama is so far ahead now it seems the only way he can lose is if his supporters screw it up. But Obama's supporters have a secret weakness. They're Democrats. They are perfectly capable of screwing this up. I'm not sure if Democrats remember how to win an election. They haven't won an election since 2000." --Craig Ferguson
"Anyway, the Democrats better watch out, because the Republicans are going to pull out all the stops. Did you see they spent $150,000 on Sarah Palin's wardrobe? Boy, nothing says hockey mom like dropping six figures on bling." --Craig Ferguson
"The Pentagon is buying a portrait of Donald Rumsfeld for $46,000. But it will probably cost 10 times that, serve no real purpose, and never be finished. Remind you of anything?" --Craig Ferguson
"Alaskan Governor Sarah Palin is taking heat today, because the Republican National Committee has so far spent $150,000 on wardrobe for her and her family. She spent $50,000 at Saks Fifth Avenue, $75,000 at Neiman Marcus and about $5,000 on hair and makeup. Hey, representing small town, common-folk hockey moms isn't cheap, folks." --Jimmy Kimmel
"Also yesterday, Palin told a bunch of third graders that the vice president 'runs the Senate,' which the vice president does not do. Not knowing what the job is? Even President Bush will tell you, the vice president doesn't run the Senate. The vice president runs the White House." --Jimmy Kimmel
The McCain-Palin campaign is spreading the love to all the middle class [on screen: McCain and Palin mentioning 'Joe the Plumber,' 'Ed the dairy man,' 'Rose the teacher,' 'Phil the bricklayer,' 'Molly the dental hygienist,' and 'Chuck the teacher']... The only person McCain's not talking about is George the President" --Stephen Colbert
"Obviously, for the past two months, we have been discussing Republican vice presidential nominee and gift from heaven, Sarah Palin. If there's one message she has been campaigning on, it's this: vote for us! We're just like you [on screen: Sarah Palin saying she and Todd are going through the same things as working-class Americans]... She is a regular guy, girl, average Joe, lady. It's not like that entire facade she has built up can crumble in the space of a single sentence [on screen: reports that the RNC paid $150,000 to outfit Palin and her family for the election]. [Stewart, singing] She was born in a small town. Doesn't shop in a small town. Gets her clothes in a big town. And buys lots of fancy s***. How do you spend $150,000 on clothes in two months? How does someone who just spent more on clothing in six weeks than most Americans make in two years, show that she can still relate to the common folk?" --Jon Stewart
"In other words, Sarah is not the only Palin who got an upgrade. Almost $5,000 was spent on clothing for her husband, Todd, and more on the Palin children. Now, that's just one scandal. Palin has also charged the Alaska state government for over $21,000 of airfare for her daughters and $700 hotel rooms and went back and amended the expense reports to justify the payments, not to mention $17,000 in per diems she was paid to live in her own home. My God! They're a family of grifters!" --Jon Stewart
"I know how they're doing it. The hot one [on screen: photo of Palin] finds an elderly victim [on screen: photo of McCain]. Then she seduces him with her unfancy-talk and once he pulls out the checkbook, boom! Here come the relatives. The old fart never had a chance!" --Jon Stewart
