Late-night jokes recap 11/20/08
"It's great to be here in Los Angeles, what's left of it. These wildfires continuing to burn here in LA. I haven't seen anything go up in smoke like this since my 401(K)." --Jay Leno
"How about that Sarah Palin? A lot of people said, what will happen to her when she goes back to being the governor of Alaska? Don't worry: book deal, $7 million. She got it through a guy named Joe the Publisher." --David Letterman
"Barack Obama, like many people, uses a Blackberry, but the Secret Service says this is a security hazard, so they took it away. I'm thinking, well, this is not fair. George Bush, do they let him keep his Gameboy? What's the problem?" --David Letterman
"According to the New York Post, Sarah Palin may appear on the season finale of 'Desperate Housewives.' And, a related story: John McCain just got a big Flomax commercial." --Jay Leno
"Well, according to MSNBC, Sarah Palin could get $7 million when she signs her book deal, $7 million. You know who's really excited about this? Neiman Marcus." --Jay Leno
"Happy birthday, convicted Senator Ted Stevens of Alaska, 85 years old. He didn't get any gifts. At least, he didn't report any." --Jay Leno
"President-elect Barack Obama now, while he is the president, he can't use his Blackberry. Fortunately, the good news for John McCain, he can continue to use the Clapper. That's not a problem." --David Letterman
"In Chicago, for the first time since the election, John McCain sat down with President-elect Barack Obama. Pretty impressive. Obama agreed to sit down and talk to McCain without any preconditions." --Jay Leno
"When Sarah Palin heard about McCain meeting with Obama, she accused McCain of palling around with terrorists." --Jay Leno
"President-elect Barack Obama is still looking for a new White House dog. The search is on. In fact, do you realize he has spent more time selecting a dog than John McCain did selecting a running mate?" --Jay Leno
"President Bush visited Wall Street yesterday, nothing to do with the economy. He just wanted to see something that had dropped more than his approval rating." --Jay Leno
"According to CNN, Barack Obama's popularity going into office is higher than Clinton's, Reagan's or either of the President Bush's when they entered office. It's much higher. Well, hang on, hang on. That's on CNN. On Fox, he's somewhere between Attila the Hun and lead poisoning." --Jay Leno
"President Bush briefed President-elect Obama on the state of the nation this week. You know, look, I don't want to say things look bad, but Barack Obama's new slogan? 'Maybe We Can.'" --Jay Leno
"Well, it looks like Guantanamo Bay is going to be closed. Hey, that shows you how tough times are, when even terrorists are losing their homes." --Jay Leno
"The Republican party is considering naming the first African-American chairman in their party's history. Isn't that incredible? That's big news. First African-American, yeah. Yeah, unfortunately, Republicans are having a hard time finding an African-American who's white." --Conan O'Brien
"Sarah Palin is trying to be bipartisan. She said she actually wants to help Barack Obama. And I said, 'Well, hasn't she helped him enough already?'" --David Letterman
"Well, the National Enquirer now says that after campaign staffers blamed her for losing the election, Sarah Palin went on a rampage of yelling and screaming and throwing things. But see, that's the National Enquirer. Are you going to believe them? Come on. Hey, these are the same people who, a year ago, said John Edwards was having an affair. See what I'm saying?" -Jay Leno
"Actually, Sarah Palin is being courted by a lot of big Hollywood talent agencies. The rumor is she could get her own talk show. She'd be a lot like Rush Limbaugh, but with smaller breasts." -Jay Leno
"American Express is now looking to borrow three and a half billion dollars from the taxpayers. Three and a half billion dollars. You know what? I think we should lend them the money, but, do like they do with us: charge 18% interest, which will go to 34% if they miss a payment. I think that's the way to do it" --Jay Leno
"The Republican Party is considering choosing an African-American to be their party's chairman. Yeah. Unfortunately, neither guy wants the job." --Conan O'Brien
