Late-night jokes recap 11/26
"NASA has developed a urine machine that will convert urine into water. Well, guess what? It's on the blink. And you thought the coffee was bad where you work." --David Letterman
"I guess Sarah Palin is back in Alaska, where she pardoned some turkeys for Thanksgiving. So she pardons them and then right behind her, someone kills some turkeys, and it was gruesome. I honestly haven't seen a slaughter like that since November 4." --David Letterman
"I heard today that the federal government was raising, like, $40 billion to bail out Citigroup. Honestly, when you think about it, who doesn't really feel sorry for credit card companies?" --David Letterman
"And down in Washington, D.C., the Capitol Hill Christmas tree arrived. And there is no surprise here. You know, they've got to decorate the tree. So the contract to decorate the tree, a $10 billion ornament contract, went to Halliburton." --David Letterman
"It looks like the government is going to bail out CitiGroup, yet they don't want to bail out the auto companies. See, I don't think this is fair. I mean, blue collar guys who make our cars, they don't get the bailout. But the white collar guys on Wall Street, they get the bailout. I think they should work together. I think the guys in Detroit should keep making the cars, and the guys on Wall Street should be making the license plates. See what I'm saying?" --Jay Leno
"Hey, do you believe how much the price of gas has dropped? It's unbelievable. Given today how far it's gone down, I saw somebody driving a Prius today without a smug look on their face." --Jay Leno
"Astronauts on board the International Space Station are trying to fix the machine that turns urine into drinking water. Well, actually, the urine converter was fixed days ago, but the astronauts keep saying, 'You try it. No, you try it.'" --Conan O'Brien
"Barack Obama announced his economic team. President Bush is working closely with them. Obama said his team has many obstacles to overcome, the biggest one being maybe that President Bush is working closely with them." --Craig Ferguson
"Alaska Governor Sarah Palin pardoned a turkey, though she said she was amazed to find out that, besides being a bird, Turkey is also a country. Did you see that all over the internet today? While Sarah Palin was pardoning a turkey, right behind her was a guy slaughtering turkeys. ... But, see, like most internet stories, a little half-true. Turns out that, after a couple of minutes listening to Sarah Palin's voice, the turkeys said 'Kill us now.'" --Jay Leno
"U.N. officials said today they desperately need $7 billion to help people cope with disasters, but they're having a hard time getting people to send rescue money. Here's what the UN should do: Invest in bad mortgages, run a bank into the ground, give yourself a bonus, get some spa treatments and, in no time, the government will send you $750 billion." --Jay Leno
"General Motors announced they are selling two of their private jets. The bad news? They're being bought by the executives at AIG." --Jay Leno
"Well, it doesn't look as if the U.S. automakers are going to get their bailout money. Congress said they were concerned about giving the Big Three automakers money just to keep making the same stupid mistakes. And, believe me, when it comes to making the same stupid mistakes, Congress knows what it's talking about." --Jay Leno
"In an editorial this week, Mitt Romney said we should let Detroit go bankrupt. He feels the car industry is not worth bailing out. The only industries that Romney would bail out? The tanning booth industry, tooth polishing industry and hair dye industry. Everything else can pretty much go to hell." --Jay Leno
"Wal-Mart has chosen a new CEO. They went a little different way this time, interesting. Seems this guy is an actual U.S. citizen." --Jay Leno
"How about Sarah Palin? What a gal! Making a $7 million book deal. And she's very excited because she claims she can see Barnes & Noble from her house. But she's got a tremendous deal, and she got a great guy working on the deal: Joe the Agent. He closed the deal." --David Letterman
"Officials in Missouri have finally finished counting the presidential ballots, and they say that John McCain won that state. As a result, Sarah Palin now thinks she's the Vice President of Missouri." --Conan O'Brien
