Late-night jokes recap 12/22/08
"Gay leaders are furious at Barack Obama because he picked an anti-gay minister to deliver a prayer during the inauguration ceremony. Yeah. Gay leaders are also furious at Obama because the tie he’s planning to wear is all wrong." --Conan O'Brian
"Hey, it snowed in Malibu. That is unbelievable, isn’t it? Yeah. Five inches of snow in Malibu, where people aren’t used to snow. They were trying to snort it. They didn’t understand." --Jay Leno
"This week President Bush hosted the annual White House Hanukkah party. Yeah, there was an awkward moment when Bush made a wish and blew out all eight candles." --Conan O'Brian
"Mexico City has begun working on expanding its subway system. That’s right. Apparently, they’re adding stops in San Diego and Los Angeles." --Conan O'Brian
"Thank you for coming out on such a cold day. It is cold, isn’t it? Man, everybody was shivering. It’s like the whole city’s in rehab." --Jay Leno
"And it’s not just here. It was so cold in Chicago, Illinois Gov. Rod Blagojevich was trying to sell Senate seat warmers." --Jay Leno
"The roads were closed in Malibu. In fact, there was so much snow, a lot of celebrities couldn’t get to the global warming conference." --Jay Leno
"In Barstow, people were really excited. It never snows there. They were going, “It’s raining crystal meth! We can’t believe it!”" --Jay Leno
"And the big financial story, Bernard Madoff, the man they call the most hated man in New York, as you know, has been arrested after confessing to running this Ponzi scheme that defrauded investors out of $50 billion. That’s almost hard to believe. But the good news, today he was named A.I.G.’s man of the year." --Jay Leno
"I tell you, the economy’s rough. People are standing behind President Bush just to get the free shoes." --Jay Leno
"The nice thing about the holidays is the holiday spirit. Let me give you an example of how the holiday spirit affects people. You know that guy that threw the shoes at President Bush? Well, today, he was throwing fruit cakes."--David Letterman
"Now here’s something historical. In January, all five living presidents are scheduled to have lunch together. Clinton suggested the VIP room at Hooters."--David Letterman
"Everybody looks forward to 'Time' magazine naming their 'person of the year.' And today, they named Barack Obama person of the year. That's right. Finally, things are starting to go his way." --David Letterman
"Sarah Palin also honored today. She was named 'person of the year' by LensCrafters. And in about an hour, they'll name somebody else." --David Letterman
"We're talking about Sarah Palin, who has a brand new Christmas album. It's entitled 'I Can See Bethlehem From My House.'" --David Letterman
"Dick Cheney said that we made the right decision to go to war in Iraq. And I said to myself, 'Well, that's good enough for me, by God.'" --David Letterman
"The Illinois Supreme Court refused to hear a motion to throw Governor Blagojevich out of office. Afterwards, Blagojevich thanked the Supreme Court and said, 'Your check is in the mail!'" --Conan O'Brien
"This week, Dick Cheney was interviewed by ABC News, and he said that he will miss being vice president. Then he said, 'And I'll really miss being president.' That was the best part." --Conan O'Brien
"The economy is in bad shape. I went shopping over the weekend. I got an Illinois Senate seat for $149. Amazing, marked down from half a million." --Jay Leno
"And it's not just here in America. Queen Elizabeth has announced that the economy is so bad in England, she is asking all members of the royal family to reduce their spending, otherwise, they would face the ultimate disaster, you know, having to get a real job." --Jay Leno
"In New Jersey, the state Senate is working on a bill to legalize medical marijuana. They say it's the one thing that could actually ease the pain of having to live in New Jersey, so that's good." --Jay Leno
"And a big surprise on the Sunday morning news shows. Senator John McCain said he may not support Sarah Palin if she's around in 2012. Of course, the bigger question, will McCain be around in 2012? That's probably the bigger question, but hey." --Jay Leno
"The current administration, of course, is winding down, not just President Bush, but everybody is sort of talking about the eight years. Yesterday, Dick Cheney was interviewed by ABC News, and he reflected on his eight years in office. Yeah. And he turned into a bat and disappeared in a puff of smoke." --Conan O'Brien
