Late-night jokes recap 1/17
"President Bush has four days left in office, and he made his farewell address to the nation this evening. He was very gracious regarding Barack Obama. He said Obama offers hope to the nation. And I thought this was nice. He actually went shopping with Laura and personally picked out the bag he's going to leave Obama holding." --Jimmy Kimmel
"Barack Obama says one of the first things he'll do as president is sign an executive order closing down Guantanamo Bay, to which President Bush said, 'Hey, well that's nothing. I've closed down factories, car dealerships." --Jay Leno
"Anyway, a spokesman for Barack Obama says the prisoners that are released from Guantanamo will either be sent back to their home countries or enter the New York City cab driver training program." --Jay Leno
"In a last-minute complication to what looked like an otherwise smooth path to confirmation, Timothy Geithner, President-elect Obama's nominee for the secretary of Treasury admitted that from 2001 to 2004 he failed to pay $34,000 in Federal tax. Fortunately for him, this is not his field of expertise. You know, he's just nominee for Secretary of the Treasury!" --Jay Leno
"A Democratic spokesman called the issue today 'an honest mistake.' How come, in Washington, the only time anyone is honest is when they make a mistake? Well, you ever notice this? Whenever politicians don't pay their taxes, 'Oh, it's an honest mistake.' Huh? You know what they call it when you and I don't pay our taxes? 'Exhibit A for the prosecution.'" --Jay Leno
"And the adult film industry, better known as the porn industry, has asked Congress for a $5 billion bailout. Five billion. You know, between the porn industry and Congress, I don't know who's screwed more people." --Jay Leno
"Neiman Marcus announced they are cutting 400 jobs. See, I knew this would happen when the Republicans took away Sarah Palin's campaign credit card.'" --Jay Leno
"Larry King interviewed President Bush, and Bush told him, 'My favorite color is blue and I love enchiladas.' Unfortunately, Bush was answering the question, 'What was your greatest achievement as President?'" --Conan O'Brien
"And during Hillary's confirmation hearing, Louisiana Senator David Vitter - remember the guy that got caught with the hookers? Well, he's Mr. Ethics now. He was very concerned about who's contributing to Bill Clinton's campaign, you know the library deal. But he had to leave when an aide told him it was time for his '3 o'clock with Bambi and Thumper.'" --Jay Leno
"I think everybody has warm feelings for George Bush now. He held his final press conference, and he admitted -- it takes a big man to do this -- he admitted that a couple of things didn't go according to plan. A couple of things went haywire. Yeah, his first term and his second term. Those two things." --David Letterman
"But it's nice to know that there is one person untroubled by the Bush presidency [on screen: Bush saying he gave the presidency his 'all' for eight years and he didn't 'sell his soul for the sake of popularity']. You didn't need to! You sold ours." --Jon Stewart
"Toyota's developing a miniature, environmentally-friendly car that is powered entirely by a rechargeable battery. Yeah. Meanwhile, Detroit is still hard at work on an SUV that runs on rain forest trees and panda blood." --Conan O'Brien
"The mayor of Baltimore, a woman named Sheila Dixon, has now been charged with 12 counts of felony theft, perjury, fraud and misconduct in office. The good news? She's now eligible to become either mayor of Detroit or governor of Illinois. So congratulations to her." --Jay Leno
"It's cold here in New York City. The temperature is actually lower than President Bush's approval rating." --David Letterman
"I tell you, it's cold all over the East Coast. And did you see those blizzards all over the place? The whole country was so white the Republicans thought they were back in charge again." --Jay Leno
"After eight years, it is kind of sad President Bush had his final press conference. And you know what that means for us here at the 'Late Show.' We're going to have to start writing our own comedy again." --David Letterman
"Lawmakers in Illinois voted 114-1 to impeach Governor Blagojevich. Did you see his press conference? I love this. He quoted the British poet Tennyson. He quoted Tennyson, which was weird, because usually he quotes the movie 'Jerry Maguire.' 'Show me the money!'" --Jay Leno
"All five living presidents met for a historic lunch at the White House. Administration officials said that the idea for the gathering came from Barack Obama and not, as originally thought, from Agatha Christie." --Seth Meyers
"On Tuesday, Barack Obama warned that the country could face trillion dollar deficits for years to come, in an address many said was reminiscent of Martin Luther King's famous 'I Had a Bad Dream' speech." --Seth Meyers
"The current national debt is estimated at over $10 trillion, which breaks down to about 35,000 dollars for every man, woman and child in the country. If you lay that much money end to end in $1 bills, most of it would be stolen by Bernie Madoff." --Seth Meyers
"In a speech about the economy, Barack Obama said that Americans will soon be able to go online and see where the bailout money is being spent. In response, Americans said, 'Thanks, but we'll stick to downloading porn.'" --Conan O'Brien
"On Inauguration Day, Barack Obama will be riding in a brand new presidential limousine made by General Motors. Yeah, the parade route is five miles long, so GM says Obama should only have to stop for gas twice." --Conan O'Brien
